Friday, October 24, 2014

I’ve Got a High Maintenance, High Strung Kind of Gal…

gas pricesAnd I wouldn’t trade her for anything in this whole wide world.  You don’t know how lucky I have been to find someone who is uncannily like me and understands our mental illnesses and our most profound and stymie inducing peculiarities.

Lori was scolding me pretty harshly tonight in that she always has to drive to see me and I never drive down to Auburn to spend the night with her.

“I quite honestly can’t afford the gas, sweetheart,” I sheepishly, but honestly told her, and then I apologized for not coming more.

“You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip,” I then told her callously with a half chuckle met by her not amused harrumph.

The Medication Ritual Has Beckoned And I Answered and Met its Call…

th4QPRFISHDo I take the green pill or the red one? Ah hell, let’s take both of them! lol  That has often been the cavalier  attitude I’ve taken towards pharmaceuticals over the years.

You know I am also pretty lucky as well to have a father who comes over every night to administer my crazy medications.  I used to think it was just one more way he could control me and now I do know he just cares.  I’m just one of his progeny who he tries to help and support and he has many times done this for my brother and sister as well.  He often tells me that with my medications I can live a somewhat normal existence. We do have mental illness hiccups from time to time, though.

Dope Man Meets Drug Fiend…

Sonic_Drive_in“Take me to get a chocolate shake!” my mother pleaded with me over the phone.

She knows all too well she better not drive on Hwy 29 and lose her driving privileges.  Maggie and I had both been in a very deep slumber in the bed when the phone rang. I rubbed my eyes and cursed myself about forgetting to unplug the landline and turning off my cellphone.

“Dad says I am a bad influence on you about this kind of stuff,” I told my mother with an air of aggravation and worry in my voice. “He says we both enable each other and our food addictions.”

Papa has been doing very well on his diet lately and has lost quite a bit of weight. I think he has lost five pounds. I seem to be stuck at 200 pounds.

Mom pleaded very pitifully one more time and in five more minutes I picked her up under the portico of their house to go.  I got a large blue raspberry slush with Nerds candy sprinkled on the top and my mother got a large, almost gargantuan, chocolate shake.

Helen Friday…

Today we had what is probably the last of the fresh summer squash of the year.  We also had green beans, turnip greens, and creamed potatoes to round out our vegetables.  The baked chicken was very tender as well.  It can be tough to cook chicken baked in the oven and it still come out fork tender. Helen said it is easy if you leave the skin on while you bake it and take it off before you eat.

President Taft once visited the South on a diplomatic visit.  When he got back to the White House after several weeks of travel, an aide asked him what was most notable about the South.

“They served meals of bread made out of desiccated and ground corn and cooked us greasy vegetables,” he replied.

I guess that is a very utilitarian way of putting it.

Helens's Meal

Thursday, October 23, 2014

See Papa Come and See Papa Go…

BMW_X5_04The Magster was the first to see Pops pull up in front of the house.  I heard her squeal with delight as I looked over my computer monitor and saw dad’s metallic silver X5 parked at the curb.  Dad ambled across my yard, med-pack in hand, as I opened the front door so Maggie could greet him firsthand.  My father was dressed to the nines as he had a funeral to attend today.  It was a longtime customer of his. I know this sounds macabre, but dad has attended hundreds of funerals over the years of elderly customers.

We took my medications and I exclaimed to my father what a busy day both mentally and socially I have had today.  This put my father on alert status. He could hear it in my voice and my inability to get out all I wanted to say out as fast as possible.

“I’m hyper and manic,” I honestly told my father. “My mind is going one hundred miles per hour.”

Dad told me the six Klonopin I just took would take care of that.

“You will be sleeping like a baby in the next hour or so,” my father replied.

Bat Shiat Crazy…

airbagThese kinds of things can literally drive my mother crazy.  The airbag malfunction light has lit up on the dash of her Honda Civic.  Mom pulled up in front of my house with supper tonight and started to ask me a hundred questions about it. I was the first person to notice it the other day when I drove us for slushes at Sonic.

“It’s not going to go off while I am driving is it?” my mother asked me with a scowl across her face. “I better not drive my car until it is fixed.”

“You will be fine,” I told my mother. “It is just a precautionary thing.”

Well, that wasn’t very reassuring to my mother – not very reassuring at all. She doesn’t take these matters as lightly as I or my father would.  I told mom just to take my Honda and I will use hers.  She sounded relieved at this simple offer.

“But what if it pops out on you while your driving?” my mother asked. “I don’t want you to get killed as well.”

It was getting dark and I wanted to get my mother home safe and parked in the garage before nightfall.  She finally left in my CR-V and I parked her Civic in my driveway.  I looked longingly down the street as mom drove off as it may very well be the last time I see my car in one piece.

Making a Run for South of the Border…

shrimp chicken and beef fajitas“What do you want from the Mexican restaurant?” mom just has asked me over the phone. “Your usual?”

“Rio Grande fajitas,” I happily replied.

The Rio Grande fajitas have steak, chicken, and shrimp in them. I am hoping the portions will be larger as well. I am starving and dangerous tonight choosing to sleep most of the day away.

“Tomorrow, we are going to eat Chinese at the Zen House and then go to Sonic and get a chocolate shake,” mom decreed as if it were an edict. “Your daddy will be gone to that crazy Auburn ballgame all day.”

I also asked mom if we could get me a $30 computer part down at Best Buy sometime soon. 

“We will go eat at Jim Bob’s chicken fingers afterwards,” mom told me and we agreed to go next week sometime when we both felt up to the task.

I need an inexpensive gamepad to play old Playstation, Super Nintendo, and Sega Genesis video games on my computer.  My keyboard is not very conducive to those endeavors.


And There Shall Be Risperdal Consta For All The Mentally Addled Souls Fighting Their Harsh Realities…

elfin princess“How are you feeling?” my nurse Rebecca asked me with a glowing white smile this morning.

I sat down in the chair in the examining room as Rebecca, the Elfin princess, began to prepare my injection.

“Scatterbrained!” was my feeble, but honest reply. “I can’t focus on anything even for a few short moments.”

“Last night my heart was racing as if I was having some kind of cardiac problem.”

“Withdrawal,” Rebecca said. “You were suffering from withdrawal.”

Rebecca has been the only person who has noticed and acknowledged my new glasses besides my immediate family.  I was surprised as she had on glasses as well – quite stylish glasses I might add.  The look I was striving for. She also commented on how good I smelled and I told her it was the new Irish Spring deodorant I was wearing courtesy of Fred’s Dollar Store.

“You used to would always smell like an ashtray and it could make my allergies flare up,” Rebecca told me carefully not to hurt my feelings.

“Aren’t we glad those days are over?” I asked. “I would be a complete fool to start back smoking now.”

As soon as I stepped outside Kamath Medical and was headed to my car, Lori called me to see if things were okay.  I calmed her worries and told her everything was going to be fine.

When I got back to the Pharmacy, the power was out and the door was locked.  Dad let me in to give him the next appointment card and to let me get my two melon flavored sports drinks.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Welcome to the Digital Age…

wireless router“My internet has gone out,” my father said worriedly over the phone this afternoon. “And the cable company says my internet should be working fine – saying something about pinging the modem and getting a reply.”

I came prepared with a couple of extra Ethernet cables and a used wireless router I had on hand when I upgraded my own. I also brought my cable modem as well just to be sure. All things any self said computer repairman would have on hand. 

It turned out to be dad’s wireless router which had gone kaput and I had him back online in a few moments. He pulled out his iPhone just to check the connection.  Dad sighed with relief that he could once again check the weather and visit his many gossip websites about the Royal Family. I wrote the wireless password down for the router and told my father to stick it somewhere he wouldn’t lose it. I made doubly sure it was alphanumerical.

“What did we do without the internet?” my father asked. “I had my heart set on drinking wine and browsing the web until way after midnight.”

I ate supper with my parents and dad grilled large sausages and they were really good.  I’m not much of a fan of bratwurst, but my father’s cooking made me change my tune.  The side dish was roasted herbs, carrots and potatoes steamed on the grill in tinfoil packets.  My father has his mother’s culinary flair for cooking.  I love how my father will try cooking new things and be adventuresome with his meals. There was a well intentioned joke in the family as I was growing up that my grandmother could make a dishrag taste good. My father is carrying on the tradition.

Like Trying to Catch a Greased Pig at the County Fair…

Maggie started barking at dusk.  My usual trick to get her in is to persuade her with luncheon meat.  I  sat in the middle of my back yard holding out to Maggie the smoked shaved turkey I had in my fridge. I whet Maggie’s appetite by giving her one piece.  When she came close again, I grabbed her quickly, brought her inside, and locked the dog door. What indignation Maggie seemed to impart!

Peace, Calm, and Quiet…

wharf ratFor the first time in days, it doesn’t sound like a damn construction crew is working in my kitchen.  I guess the rat poison must have worked. 

Now, these weren’t your average stealthy rats.  They were LOUD, contemptuous, and fought all the time. The typical bull in the china shop type scenario was going on inside my kitchen cabinets. You could hear stuff loudly getting knocked over and the cabinet doors getting bumped open. High pitched squeaks could be cringingly heard often in all this mayhem.

Onwards! And Don’t Forget Your Derrière… 

I am feeling kind of down in the dumps today – a little off mentally. I got worried that what was going on with Lori yesterday must be contagious.  I just called my father on a hunch and my injection is tomorrow. I should’ve known it was due.  I am like a junkie needing his fix. I am lucky that I get to see the sweet smile on the face of my nurse, Rebecca. I call her the elfin princess these days. Dee Dee or Pat will have my next appointment set up as soon as they see me park in the parking lot.  Blessed be my wonderful ladies at Kamath Medical!

Computer Clownery…

pc-fansSomeone needs to lock the door to my computer and throw away the key. I am always in and out of my computer’s case. I was worried about the cooling in my gaming computer’s case. Temperatures were running quite high.  I hooked up all the fans in my Antec case to the motherboard fan headers and it sounded very much like a 747 taking off on the tarmac.  It was that loud.  ”This is unacceptable,” is what I thought. I finally figured out that I could adjust the fan speeds with an application that came with my motherboard. Ah, sweet silence once again and the fans will ramp up in speed if inside the case gets too warm.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

I Want More Happy Fathers and Partners in My Life…

asus-ve278hNo, this is not purely wanton and escapist capitalism.  They say money can’t buy you happiness, but it sure makes travelling the road of life much more fun. 

Dad was in a super jubilant mood tonight.  He was very upbeat and it was contagious. I got in the mood very quickly as well.  Even the Mag-dawg was joyous for my father’s arrival more so than usual. Maggie spent the whole time vying for my father’s and my attention. She finally settled on me as I was the only one giving out leg buckling back scratches. Maggie can get so enraptured in ecstasy that she collapses to the floor with an especially good scratch.

“Let me give you a big hug,” my father said to Lori who is still here tonight. “It is good to see you!”

“If you wanted to buy a computer part today, what would it be?”  my father asked frivolously as we sat on the couch and took my nightly crazy meds.

“I wanted to possibly get a $300 27-inch monitor for my blogging and writing computer amongst the other things I am getting for Christmas,” I replied glowingly. “Mom said she was going to pitch in and pay for $50 dollars of it.”

My father told me to email the details to the pharmacy so his computer guru, Matt, could look at them.

Regarding Our Rat Friends *cough*…

The rats are coming in through the dog door in the laundry room and eating Maggie’s dog food. They’ve also chewed a hole through the space under my sink in my kitchen.  It is a disconcerting sound when you are laying in bed in the pitch dark and you can hear a bunch of commotion in the kitchen. It sounds like my house is haunted!

Come On Inside this Broken Heart and Make it Whole…

a fall LoriLori is having a very rough and tough morning mentally. I call these the severe doldrums she gets from time to time.  Luckily, she doesn’t have to teach any classes today and she doesn’t experience these doldrums very often as well. 

She called me pitifully crying early this morning about how worthless she was and how her life will never amount to anything. She cursed mental illness as well as the blight on life it often is. It was quite a rude awakening for me per se, but I know the feeling and have felt that way many times.  I told her just to drive up from Auburn and spend the day with Maggie and I.  Maggie adores Lori and that should make her feel better when Maggie fawns all over her. I also have a computer with Lori’s name on it.

Lori’s only misgivings about coming was leaving her four cats to fend for themselves all day. Lori will admit that she is one of those crazy cat lady types.

“I am going to get you some some of those beloved steak biscuits at Hardee’s before I leave Opelika,” Lori told me as we ended our conversation.

Ah Bless! A woman of my very own heart! We can have his and hers heart attacks together after that greasy, fatty, and calorific meal – two peas in a pod.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Holy Grail of Grocery Shopping Some Would Say…

Self-Checkout - $83.99 was the damage to my disability shopping account.

kroger-self-checkout-laneDad urged me to go through the vacant self checkout lines tonight. He was also a very quiet soul this evening for some reason or another. I did smell wine on his breath so maybe he was just very relaxed.

“It is easier than you think,” my father reassuringly told me.

I’ve used it before once, but I only had four items.

I apprehensively wheeled my cart to an open lane. Kroger was very busy this evening as if everyone in the Valley tried to shop at the same time and at the last minute.  I know it sounds preposterous but I kept wondering if there was snow or inclement weather in the forecast thus all the fuss and feathers tonight.

That self checkout contraption is persnickety and cantankerous to say the least as well.  I finally swiped my disability account debit card, punched in my pin number, got the green light to go along with a receipt, and then started to load my food back into the cart with my father’s help.

“Sorry about going over eighty bucks again,” I told my father timidly as if I was going to get scolded.

“It was my fault,” he surprisingly replied. “I got you up all those many plastic Solo cups, paper bowls, and paper plates to use. They are expensive.”

Beware of Precarious Perches…

d-con-art7Mom and I just went and got two Sour Raspberry slushes at Sonic.  Those things are so good.  As we were pulling up in front of my house, my father’s car was sitting in my driveway.  I guess I am just the popular person in the family today.

“I’m declaring war on these goddamned rats that are getting in your house!” my father decreed as he left my backyard to meet my mother and I in the front.

Mom wanted to come in and see how well I have cleaned my house the past few days.  I couldn’t have done it without Charlie’s help. My father was also still fussing up a storm as he put more rat poison under my kitchen sink and under my basement.

“Don’t you dare let Maggie get into this rat poison!” my father exclaimed to me with a menacing look on his face. “It will kill her too!”

I shuddered at that thought. I made doubly sure that dad put the rat poison in places where Maggie couldn’t reach.

Compliments From the Commander In Chief…

I was also in my favorite Fred’s Dollar Store earlier today.  The manager was flirting up a storm calling me sweetheart and darling.  I felt very flattered and would have asked her out to dinner if it wasn’t for me already dating Lori. She looks about double my age as well. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is probably still married to boot.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Bio-Hazard Battle

Au Revoir, Oh Charlie and Papa…

How to Fold ClothesCharlie and my father have just left after a great and grand fanfare from the Magster.  Charlie once again got in my kitchen and started to clean.  He walked through the den with empty pizza boxes in one hand at one point to take to the trash bin. My father was ready to leave, but Charlie said he was going to fold the clothes in my dryer first.

“Bring them in here,” I told Charlie of the den and we all got to folding and we were done in just a few minutes. 

Dad brought me two burritos from Taco Hell and set them on my piano.  I am hungry, but I want them to last and to get the chance to savor them. I will eat them before bed which will most likely be after midnight. Andrew will meet indigestion most likely if eat so late.

Carnage On the Railways…


I was walking the tracks today near my father’s river house this afternoon.  I kept noticing animal bones strewed about the rails today.  Mainly deer.  It seems there is some kind of disconnect between deer and the danger of railroads. They will just stupidly and blindly walk out in front of a moving train as if it wasn’t even there.  It kind of made me feel melancholy about all this loss of life. 

It was also good I had my cellphone with me today.  The phone rang and I quickly answered it when I saw it was one of my parents calling.

“Your mother fell down the steps to the basement and laundry room,”  my father told me solemnly.

“I’ve got a long walk, but I will be there soon,” I told my father fearing the worse and then I headed for my car which was parked in downtown West Point.

Mom’s okay with no broken bones.  She is just a little bruised and banged up.  The doctor said she should be back on her feet in a few days. She wants me to go get us some Sonic chocolate shakes to drink tonight when she gets home.

Don’t Laugh At My Hair…

hair-club-for-men“Don’t laugh at my hair!” Charlie said as he was handing me breakfast through my open front door 9am this morning. “I just have gotten up!”

A smile formed across my face as an opportunity formed in my mind. Mine didn’t look much better I might add as I had just gotten up as well.

“You about don’t have enough hair left to fuss about,” I told Charlie chuckling. 

“God-damn-it, I know it! Now you better eat your breakfast!” he replied laughing.

And the Bountiful Things Keep Coming for Me Today…

Janice's CasseroleCharlie’s wife cooked a casserole tonight and Charlie just brought me a plate.  I am obsessed about casseroles and everyone in the family knows about this.  Janice sent me through Charlie some poppy seed chicken casserole, yellow rice, a pasta dish marinated in a vinaigrette sauce.  Janice also sent a healthy slice of buttermilk pie.

I just called my father to see if we are still doing fried chicken Sundays.  He said it was up to me.

“I would love two of my burrito supremes tonight,” I told him. 

“Charlie and I will be by for the medication ritual in just a bit,” my father happily replied.

2:28 AM…

mcdonalds-menu-breakfast-dollar-5319I can’t sleep and decided to get out of the bed after what seemed like tossing and turning for hours. Maggie is being extremely needy this morning – confused as to why we are up so early.  She keeps ambling into my computer room with a swagger to get a vigorous back scratch.  Bless her dear soul – I need to go to bed and sleep so my dearest Magster can get some rest as well.

Charlie will be here in a few hours with breakfast. High anticipation abounds.  I am especially craving those hash browns Charlie brings – so salty, crunchy, fatty, and tasty.

Krystal’s is the only fast-food joint open at this time of the night.  I am tempted to go get a sack-full of twelve cheese Krystal's. There is not much food in the house at the moment as it is in the last bit of the week before buying groceries once again tomorrow.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

When Vigilante Violence is Justified…

bulliesI read a little article a moment ago about bullying being rife in modern day schools.  I was once badgered sporadically like a victim of bullying.

“Kick him as hard as you very can in his family jewels,” my father told me when I complained about it after school. I must have been around 10 yours old.  “He will be very hesitant to ever bother you again.”

The boy’s name was Heath Abner.  He tried to pick on me after the conversation my father and I had a day before. I ended up punching him in the mouth as hard as I could – busting several of my knuckles on his teeth and bloodying and breaking his nose as well.  The school suspended me for four days for that altercation.  I never got picked on again, though. I got the reputation of being a scrapper.

My Christmas Wish List...

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Friday, October 17, 2014

A Domesticated Man–Ruler of His Castle…

man's castleYes, I’m domesticated and quite the opposite of what my ex-wife would likely tell you. I’ve been cleaning house for most of the evening and tonight.  I stopped, Mags and I had a hotdog and some potato chips, and then I got back to work again as the Magster very warily looked upon the proceedings.  She’s was very worried that she might get a bath as well.  Water to Maggie is like kryptonite to Superman.

All of this just thrilled my father to no end when he arrived a moment ago for our nightly medication ritual.

“Damn boy!” he told me with emphasis as we sat on my couch. “You can really do it when you put your mind to the task. It smells so clean in here!”

“That’s my mother in me,” I told my father and we both agreed.

My father’s and my real inclination is to procrastinate.