Extended Tour of Duty

"Will you wait two more weeks for the money?" my father asked me tonight.

"Why two weeks?" I asked.

"I am going to Houston for a wedding and want to be home to see how you do," Dad replied. 

"I would love nothing more than to go eat lunch tomorrow.  Or drive to Auburn to buy a trains magazine," I said. 

"I know," Dad replied. "But you would be doing me a favor.  I just want you to be okay."

"Well, my brother and sister always listened to you and your advice and they turned out to be doctors.  I am going to listen to you as well."

"Love you, son," Dad said as he hugged me.  "Love you so much."

Extended Tour of Duty

"Will you wait two more weeks for the money?" my father asked me tonight.

"Why two weeks?" I asked.

"I am going to Houston for a wedding and want to be home to see how you do," Dad replied. 

"I would love nothing more than to go eat lunch tomorrow.  Or drive to Auburn to buy a trains magazine," I said. 

"I know," Dad replied. "But you would be doing me a favor.  I just want you to be okay."

"Well, my brother and sister always listened to you and your advice and they turned out to be doctors.  I am going to listen to you as well."

"Love you, son," Dad said as he hugged me.  "Love you so much."

Green...

Tomorrow is the big day.  I will have a steady supply of cash for the first time in many months.  I've gone over and over in my head what I am going to buy.  A bought cup of coffee in the morning would be a luxury unheard of before this.   Simply driving to McDonalds and buying a dollar double cheeseburger would be heavenly.  The jingle jangle of change in my pocket -- a sound I haven't heard in forever.

Temperance is the key.  Twenty dollars has got to last me for a week.  How will I handle the sudden impulse to drink?  Will I succumb and prove my father right?  Will the call of alcohol be all encompassing?  I pray I keep a level head on my shoulders as I begin this new chapter in my life.  I am almost giddy with excitement and anticipation.   

Green...

Tomorrow is the big day.  I will have a steady supply of cash for the first time in many months.  I've gone over and over in my head what I am going to buy.  A bought cup of coffee in the morning would be a luxury unheard of before this.   Simply driving to McDonalds and buying a dollar double cheeseburger would be heavenly.  The jingle jangle of change in my pocket -- a sound I haven't heard in forever.

Temperance is the key.  Twenty dollars has got to last me for a week.  How will I handle the sudden impulse to drink?  Will I succumb and prove my father right?  Will the call of alcohol be all encompassing?  I pray I keep a level head on my shoulders as I begin this new chapter in my life.  I am almost giddy with excitement and anticipation.   

Good Deeds Done Cheap...

Helen was surly this morning when I swung by my parent's house to get some Tylenol.  She only said two words to me.  I broke a tooth this morning eating my cereal and it was oh so sensitive. Mom was still in the bed as I walked down that long hall to her bedroom. 

"I don't want to go buy groceries and get my hair fixed," she told me with the covers still over her head.

"I'll go get you and dad's groceries, but I can't do anything about your hair appointment," I told her.

"Really?" Mom asked jubilantly as she threw the covers off her head.  "You don't mind?"

"It means you will have to give me a check though.  I don't think dad would approve."

"I am not worried about that," Mom said as she jumped out of bed so spritely I almost didn't recognize her. 

An hour later, I had returned with a Honda CR-V full of groceries.  Mom was so appreciative and I had done my good deed for the day.  

Good Deeds Done Cheap...

Helen was surly this morning when I swung by my parent's house to get some Tylenol.  She only said two words to me.  I broke a tooth this morning eating my cereal and it was oh so sensitive. Mom was still in the bed as I walked down that long hall to her bedroom. 

"I don't want to go buy groceries and get my hair fixed," she told me with the covers still over her head.

"I'll go get you and dad's groceries, but I can't do anything about your hair appointment," I told her.

"Really?" Mom asked jubilantly as she threw the covers off her head.  "You don't mind?"

"It means you will have to give me a check though.  I don't think dad would approve."

"I am not worried about that," Mom said as she jumped out of bed so spritely I almost didn't recognize her. 

An hour later, I had returned with a Honda CR-V full of groceries.  Mom was so appreciative and I had done my good deed for the day.  

New to Homelessness?

 

When You Fall...You Fall to the Bottom

Every few days, we get a call at the office from people who are new to homelessness, and they cannot believe that they have to go to a shelter. They are losing their home or their apartment, and are calling around a long list of numbers hoping for some help. There are some who had no idea that their landlord was being foreclosed on, and were told that they had to find some other place to live. The middle class has shrunk over the last 25 years, and there are many more people who are in danger of being homeless. Here are a few things that you need to know in order to prepare for the "Brave New World" without a safety net:

When You Fall...You Fall to the Bottom

This is the kind of altruistic information on homelessness that you never get to read at The Homeless Guy.  Practical advice for when you find yourself at the bottom of the heap. 

New to Homelessness?

 

When You Fall...You Fall to the Bottom

Every few days, we get a call at the office from people who are new to homelessness, and they cannot believe that they have to go to a shelter. They are losing their home or their apartment, and are calling around a long list of numbers hoping for some help. There are some who had no idea that their landlord was being foreclosed on, and were told that they had to find some other place to live. The middle class has shrunk over the last 25 years, and there are many more people who are in danger of being homeless. Here are a few things that you need to know in order to prepare for the "Brave New World" without a safety net:

When You Fall...You Fall to the Bottom

This is the kind of altruistic information on homelessness that you never get to read at The Homeless Guy.  Practical advice for when you find yourself at the bottom of the heap. 

The Winds of Change...

Our warm 80 degree day yesterday turned into a 48 degree day today.  It is overcast and murky looking outside. 

"It's cold!" Charlie exclaimed, walking into my house with goodies.  "I brought you a fish dinner that you may not like."

I assured Charlie I was just glad to get a hot cooked meal.  I was going to have leftover chicken pot pie.  Charlie also brought a bag of sliced smoked ham for Maggie.  I am doling it out to her so she won't eat too much at one time. 

"What are you going to do with your day?" Charlie asked me as he sat on my couch.

"Most likely read and listen to the radio today," I replied. 

"I'm doing yard work which I hate," Charlie told me.

It is a joke in the family that when Charlie does yard work the result is "The Desert Look."  Charlie doesn't have a green thumb.  My father, who is gifted with a green thumb, cajoles Charlie about this. 

"Your mom and dad should be home soon," Charlie said as he was leaving. 

I had wanted to ask Charlie for my medications early, but resisted.  I have to be very careful not to do anything out of the ordinary until after Tuesday -- the day I am supposed to get my disability money again.  I feel like I am walking on eggshells in anticipation.  Tuesday can't get here quickly enough.  I am driving to a local college town to buy some magazines with the first twenty dollars of my long lamented disability money. 

The Winds of Change...

Our warm 80 degree day yesterday turned into a 48 degree day today.  It is overcast and murky looking outside. 

"It's cold!" Charlie exclaimed, walking into my house with goodies.  "I brought you a fish dinner that you may not like."

I assured Charlie I was just glad to get a hot cooked meal.  I was going to have leftover chicken pot pie.  Charlie also brought a bag of sliced smoked ham for Maggie.  I am doling it out to her so she won't eat too much at one time. 

"What are you going to do with your day?" Charlie asked me as he sat on my couch.

"Most likely read and listen to the radio today," I replied. 

"I'm doing yard work which I hate," Charlie told me.

It is a joke in the family that when Charlie does yard work the result is "The Desert Look."  Charlie doesn't have a green thumb.  My father, who is gifted with a green thumb, cajoles Charlie about this. 

"Your mom and dad should be home soon," Charlie said as he was leaving. 

I had wanted to ask Charlie for my medications early, but resisted.  I have to be very careful not to do anything out of the ordinary until after Tuesday -- the day I am supposed to get my disability money again.  I feel like I am walking on eggshells in anticipation.  Tuesday can't get here quickly enough.  I am driving to a local college town to buy some magazines with the first twenty dollars of my long lamented disability money. 

A Clean Fridge...

I was sitting at my kitchen table last night eating the spaghetti supper Charlie's wife had brought me.  Charlie begins to clean out my fridge on a whim.

"You've got four bottles of mayonnaise in here!" he exclaimed.

"I like mayonnaise," I replied.

Charlie is such a busy body -- always having to stay active.  I watched as he took everything out and put it on my kitchen counters, and then wiped all the shelves with paper towel and Formula 409.

"What else can I do?" he asked as he finished.

"I didn't want you to do that," I told him. 

"Let's change the filter on your central heating and air!"

Charlie took the filter outside along with a broom and swept it clean. 

"Are your medications making you sleepy yet?" he asked, coming in. "Your father says they put you to sleep."

"They will soon," I replied, and I could just feel the first calming effects of my psychiatric medications. 

Charlie soon left and I realized I hated to see him go.  He was my only company all day except for a strange conversation with Joyce about ear drops and doctor visits.  Joyce is still not doing well -- getting confused over simple matters.  I waved to Charlie as he and his son pulled away as Maggie stood in the window wagging her tail vigorously.  It was the end of a quiet Saturday -- a Saturday I should be thankful for after all the chaotic ones in my life.  C'est Le Vie.   

A Clean Fridge...

I was sitting at my kitchen table last night eating the spaghetti supper Charlie's wife had brought me.  Charlie begins to clean out my fridge on a whim.

"You've got four bottles of mayonnaise in here!" he exclaimed.

"I like mayonnaise," I replied.

Charlie is such a busy body -- always having to stay active.  I watched as he took everything out and put it on my kitchen counters, and then wiped all the shelves with paper towel and Formula 409.

"What else can I do?" he asked as he finished.

"I didn't want you to do that," I told him. 

"Let's change the filter on your central heating and air!"

Charlie took the filter outside along with a broom and swept it clean. 

"Are your medications making you sleepy yet?" he asked, coming in. "Your father says they put you to sleep."

"They will soon," I replied, and I could just feel the first calming effects of my psychiatric medications. 

Charlie soon left and I realized I hated to see him go.  He was my only company all day except for a strange conversation with Joyce about ear drops and doctor visits.  Joyce is still not doing well -- getting confused over simple matters.  I waved to Charlie as he and his son pulled away as Maggie stood in the window wagging her tail vigorously.  It was the end of a quiet Saturday -- a Saturday I should be thankful for after all the chaotic ones in my life.  C'est Le Vie.   

Doors Wide Open...

Doors Wide Open...

Railroad Dreams...

Railroad Dreams...

Chicken Tango...

Helen's chicken pot pie was delicious.  I had never had it this way before, but Helen put sliced boiled eggs in her pie.  It was delicious.  Me and Maggie had some more warmed up for lunch today along with a slice of lemon meringue pie.

I was talking to Dad last night about Helen.

"I just feel uncomfortable about this," I told him. "I don't want her to go to too much trouble."

"It's only one day a week," Dad told me. "Helen needs the extra money.  You would be doing her a favor by letting her work."

"I never thought of it that way," I replied which made me feel better about the whole situation.

Today is going to be a railroad day.  I am fixing to drive down to the railyard and do some railfanning.  Only two more days till I get money again as well.  I am worried Dad is going to renege on his word and say I am not ready for that yet.  I would be devastated if he does.  

Chicken Tango...

Helen's chicken pot pie was delicious.  I had never had it this way before, but Helen put sliced boiled eggs in her pie.  It was delicious.  Me and Maggie had some more warmed up for lunch today along with a slice of lemon meringue pie.

I was talking to Dad last night about Helen.

"I just feel uncomfortable about this," I told him. "I don't want her to go to too much trouble."

"It's only one day a week," Dad told me. "Helen needs the extra money.  You would be doing her a favor by letting her work."

"I never thought of it that way," I replied which made me feel better about the whole situation.

Today is going to be a railroad day.  I am fixing to drive down to the railyard and do some railfanning.  Only two more days till I get money again as well.  I am worried Dad is going to renege on his word and say I am not ready for that yet.  I would be devastated if he does.  

Crimson Bright!

Crimson Bright!

Unsure...

Today was Helen's first day of cooking and cleaning at my house.  This was completely my father's idea.  I feel kind of uncomfortable about it.  Helen is now in the kitchen cooking a homemade chicken pot pie and biscuits.  I had to ride with her to get groceries this morning. 

Don't get me wrong.  I love Helen and she is like one of the family.  I just feel uncomfortable with someone in my "space."  I never was good at having someone underfoot.  I guess I should just be grateful of this gift my father is bestowing upon me. 

One thing I did get excited about was Helen started to read one of my Model Railroaders as she was dusting and cleaning in my den.

"Can I take this to my husband?" she asked. "He would love this hobby. He loves trains."

I smiled and said, "sure" always glad to bring someone new into the hobby.  I told Helen to have him call me if he ever wanted to talk "shop" or Model Railroading.

Oh, if you could only smell the wonderful aromas coming out of my kitchen.  It is driving Maggie crazy.  I can't wait to eat in a few hours.   

Unsure...

Today was Helen's first day of cooking and cleaning at my house.  This was completely my father's idea.  I feel kind of uncomfortable about it.  Helen is now in the kitchen cooking a homemade chicken pot pie and biscuits.  I had to ride with her to get groceries this morning. 

Don't get me wrong.  I love Helen and she is like one of the family.  I just feel uncomfortable with someone in my "space."  I never was good at having someone underfoot.  I guess I should just be grateful of this gift my father is bestowing upon me. 

One thing I did get excited about was Helen started to read one of my Model Railroaders as she was dusting and cleaning in my den.

"Can I take this to my husband?" she asked. "He would love this hobby. He loves trains."

I smiled and said, "sure" always glad to bring someone new into the hobby.  I told Helen to have him call me if he ever wanted to talk "shop" or Model Railroading.

Oh, if you could only smell the wonderful aromas coming out of my kitchen.  It is driving Maggie crazy.  I can't wait to eat in a few hours.   

Spring is Here!

Spring is Here!

Spring Harkens...

What a gorgeous day!  Blues skies and sunshine is the focal point today.  They say we may even get up into the seventies. 

Nengaku wrote in his blog yesterday something that really touched a chord with me...

One line in the movie that I had a very strong reaction to - "Happiness is never real unless it is shared." My first reaction was "what a load of crap - I'm happy as a clam and I'm living all alone...." and then suddenly it occurred to me that I'm sharing my happiness every day with all my (blog) readers!

What has been so joyful and meaningful lately is to share with you on this blog my recovery from alcoholism and mental illness.  Like Nengaku, I am sharing my happiness with you all.  There have been some days where I am almost giddy with joy and happiness.  This is not normal for me.  Normal was dour, drunk, and depressed. No wonder most people in my life had left me by the wayside seeking greener pastures.  If they could only see me now!

I've spent a lot of time this morning at my hobby desk.  I like nothing more than assembling and painting my rolling stock kits.   Little works of art get to grace my bookshelves until the day arrives that I erect some bench work and rails and get a railroad running.  Hobbies are made of dreams, and I dream everyday now. 

Spring Harkens...

What a gorgeous day!  Blues skies and sunshine is the focal point today.  They say we may even get up into the seventies. 

Nengaku wrote in his blog yesterday something that really touched a chord with me...

One line in the movie that I had a very strong reaction to - "Happiness is never real unless it is shared." My first reaction was "what a load of crap - I'm happy as a clam and I'm living all alone...." and then suddenly it occurred to me that I'm sharing my happiness every day with all my (blog) readers!

What has been so joyful and meaningful lately is to share with you on this blog my recovery from alcoholism and mental illness.  Like Nengaku, I am sharing my happiness with you all.  There have been some days where I am almost giddy with joy and happiness.  This is not normal for me.  Normal was dour, drunk, and depressed. No wonder most people in my life had left me by the wayside seeking greener pastures.  If they could only see me now!

I've spent a lot of time this morning at my hobby desk.  I like nothing more than assembling and painting my rolling stock kits.   Little works of art get to grace my bookshelves until the day arrives that I erect some bench work and rails and get a railroad running.  Hobbies are made of dreams, and I dream everyday now. 

Twit the Twitterer Tweets

Who would have thought that I would add a few new Internet lingo words to my vocabulary so soon this year. A co-worker of mine was in my office a few minutes ago as I was reading my Twitter updates.

"What's the deal with Twitter?" she asked me. "I've heard of it, but never tried it."

The best description I could come up with is that it is micro-blogging. Things you normally wouldn't share on a blog are now shared with twitter. People have a choice of reading the minutia or not. I have found it completely addicting. I love reading the people I am following. You get to share in their days.

_________________________________________

Earlier today they had to deliver a hospital bed when I wasn't available. They should have called me. They delivered a bed whose lift motors didn't work. I had it sitting in a corner waiting on the new motors I had ordered.

Well, Johnny Watts was pissed at me. Johnny is in his eighties and still working for my father. He does odd jobs for spare cash and has long been a customer of my father.

"Sorry," I told Johnny as he fumed. "I should have put a sign on the bed. Out of all the beds we have, I would have never thought y'all would pick that one."

It is so hard admitting you screwed up, though. I had to swallow my pride and be humble. Those beds are heavy to move. I also tend to be an incorrigible perfectionist. I am learning to be imperfect. You can't always bowl a strike!

Twit the Twitterer Tweets

Who would have thought that I would add a few new Internet lingo words to my vocabulary so soon this year. A co-worker of mine was in my office a few minutes ago as I was reading my Twitter updates.

"What's the deal with Twitter?" she asked me. "I've heard of it, but never tried it."

The best description I could come up with is that it is micro-blogging. Things you normally wouldn't share on a blog are now shared with twitter. People have a choice of reading the minutia or not. I have found it completely addicting. I love reading the people I am following. You get to share in their days.

_________________________________________

Earlier today they had to deliver a hospital bed when I wasn't available. They should have called me. They delivered a bed whose lift motors didn't work. I had it sitting in a corner waiting on the new motors I had ordered.

Well, Johnny Watts was pissed at me. Johnny is in his eighties and still working for my father. He does odd jobs for spare cash and has long been a customer of my father.

"Sorry," I told Johnny as he fumed. "I should have put a sign on the bed. Out of all the beds we have, I would have never thought y'all would pick that one."

It is so hard admitting you screwed up, though. I had to swallow my pride and be humble. Those beds are heavy to move. I also tend to be an incorrigible perfectionist. I am learning to be imperfect. You can't always bowl a strike!

Somnolence...

I've come to the realization that I need 12 hours of sleep every night.  I woke up the morning before dawn and felt tired for the rest of the day.  I think my psychiatric medications may have a part to play in this.  They are notorious for making you drowsy. 

Mom agreed to buy me a new pair of glasses.  Well... she has been shopping around for prices.  She came by this morning to tell me she's once again changed my appointment to another optometrist.  Mom will do what I would never do because of my social anxieties.  She will walk in a strange store and office and ask them a thousand questions about the services they offer and their prices.  I just want to look stylish -- my current glasses look like a fashion disaster out of eighties.  

Somnolence...

I've come to the realization that I need 12 hours of sleep every night.  I woke up the morning before dawn and felt tired for the rest of the day.  I think my psychiatric medications may have a part to play in this.  They are notorious for making you drowsy. 

Mom agreed to buy me a new pair of glasses.  Well... she has been shopping around for prices.  She came by this morning to tell me she's once again changed my appointment to another optometrist.  Mom will do what I would never do because of my social anxieties.  She will walk in a strange store and office and ask them a thousand questions about the services they offer and their prices.  I just want to look stylish -- my current glasses look like a fashion disaster out of eighties.  

The Talk in the Office...

I got to work this afternoon and there was another note on my computer.  "Come get me when you get in and let's talk in my office," my father had wrote.  Oh! Shit!

My biggest fears weren't realized, though.  I thought dad was going to tell me he didn't need me anymore, or that I haven't been doing my job. 

"I am proud of you son," he told me as I sat down. "You've done so well lately and it makes me proud."

I sighed with relief and grinned with glee.

"Y'all tell me when I am doing good," I told him. "I get a lot of attention when I am doing badly, but no one says a word when I doing fine."

I have seven more days until dad is supposed to give me my disability money again.  We are going to start small and only give me $20 dollars a week.  Still, I will feel rich having a regular income again.  The first thing I want to do is put a donated dollar in all the baskets of my AA meetings.  What a relief!

The Talk in the Office...

I got to work this afternoon and there was another note on my computer.  "Come get me when you get in and let's talk in my office," my father had wrote.  Oh! Shit!

My biggest fears weren't realized, though.  I thought dad was going to tell me he didn't need me anymore, or that I haven't been doing my job. 

"I am proud of you son," he told me as I sat down. "You've done so well lately and it makes me proud."

I sighed with relief and grinned with glee.

"Y'all tell me when I am doing good," I told him. "I get a lot of attention when I am doing badly, but no one says a word when I doing fine."

I have seven more days until dad is supposed to give me my disability money again.  We are going to start small and only give me $20 dollars a week.  Still, I will feel rich having a regular income again.  The first thing I want to do is put a donated dollar in all the baskets of my AA meetings.  What a relief!

The Biggest Meal of the Day...

My grandmother's favorite meal was breakfast. On her farm, she would begin breakfast at daybreak usually by frying bacon or sausage made from the pigs my great uncle raised. I would be laying in bed and the smell of freshly percolating coffee and frying breakfast meats would come wafting in. It was like an olfactory alarm clock.

I thought of Memaw this morning as I sat drinking my coffee and eating my cheese eggs -- always a favorite thing she would fix me. I always remember her using sweetened condensed milk in her coffee. She would slurp it loudly, often letting out a loud sigh of joy and satisfaction.

Out of the fourteen children that was my grandmother's brothers and sisters, only one sibling is left living -- my great aunt Myrtis. She is ninety years old and still lives alone in a little house in God's country. We are wondering how long this will last though. She keeps saying she sees and talks to her sisters and father -- all dead for many years. Her father, Papa, died in 1954.

The Biggest Meal of the Day...

My grandmother's favorite meal was breakfast. On her farm, she would begin breakfast at daybreak usually by frying bacon or sausage made from the pigs my great uncle raised. I would be laying in bed and the smell of freshly percolating coffee and frying breakfast meats would come wafting in. It was like an olfactory alarm clock.

I thought of Memaw this morning as I sat drinking my coffee and eating my cheese eggs -- always a favorite thing she would fix me. I always remember her using sweetened condensed milk in her coffee. She would slurp it loudly, often letting out a loud sigh of joy and satisfaction.

Out of the fourteen children that was my grandmother's brothers and sisters, only one sibling is left living -- my great aunt Myrtis. She is ninety years old and still lives alone in a little house in God's country. We are wondering how long this will last though. She keeps saying she sees and talks to her sisters and father -- all dead for many years. Her father, Papa, died in 1954.

A Bright, Sunshiny Day!

Maggie's had the right idea with staying outside all day.  I've kept a close eye on her -- the little Houdini.  The afternoon found me in the kitchen making my signature Chicken and Rice recipe.  It has lots of cream of mushroom soup, sour cream, whole milk, and butter. It is terribly rich and fattening.  My ex-wife used to love it when I fixed it and I can't help but think of Rachel when I do. 

I've waited all day for Mick Williams to update his webpage with last night's radio show.  I can't stay up that late and listen to it in the archives the next day.  I fear Easter has messed up our usual upload schedule.

Soon, it will be time to make the biscuits.  I've got some buttermilk, flour, and shortening all measured out.  This will go into a wooden bowl to then be rolled out on some wax paper.  The cut biscuits will be popped into a 500 degree oven until lightly brown.  I am also going to make some fruit salad which is basically assorted fruits, cherries, and bananas mixed lightly with mayonnaise and served on a bed of lettuce.  Delicious! 

Right!  All this talk of food has me hungry.  Let me get in the kitchen and get this show on the road.   

A Bright, Sunshiny Day!

Maggie's had the right idea with staying outside all day.  I've kept a close eye on her -- the little Houdini.  The afternoon found me in the kitchen making my signature Chicken and Rice recipe.  It has lots of cream of mushroom soup, sour cream, whole milk, and butter. It is terribly rich and fattening.  My ex-wife used to love it when I fixed it and I can't help but think of Rachel when I do. 

I've waited all day for Mick Williams to update his webpage with last night's radio show.  I can't stay up that late and listen to it in the archives the next day.  I fear Easter has messed up our usual upload schedule.

Soon, it will be time to make the biscuits.  I've got some buttermilk, flour, and shortening all measured out.  This will go into a wooden bowl to then be rolled out on some wax paper.  The cut biscuits will be popped into a 500 degree oven until lightly brown.  I am also going to make some fruit salad which is basically assorted fruits, cherries, and bananas mixed lightly with mayonnaise and served on a bed of lettuce.  Delicious! 

Right!  All this talk of food has me hungry.  Let me get in the kitchen and get this show on the road.   

A Trainy Easter

It is Easter morning and I am hanging out at the railroad tracks.  I am sitting on the bench by the railroad museum.  Not one train has graced my presence since I've been down here.  The train crews must have Easter off.  Disappointed, I walk on up to the shopping center.  It is closed.   It reminds me of how disappointed I always was when I was homeless and holidays arrived. The holidays always left you with nothing to do and reminded you of how lonely you were. 

I walk on around the shopping center and pass by the spot where Clara used to sleep.  It makes me think of her and the fact that I haven't heard from her in months.  You can still see the remnants of her addictions.  Beer and liquor bottles, and old discarded and empty packs of cigarettes.

On up the street from the shopping center, I pass by Rosa's dilapidated home.  She is soon to move into another apartment when it gets ready.   Her new apartment is being quickly remodeled.  I entertain the thought that I will call her today and see how she is doing.  "Nah," I think when I muse over it.  I don't want to sound desperate.  I don't want to exhibit weakness.

A mile later and I am walking by Joyce's and Mr. Ed's house.  The sun is hanging high on the horizon and the once chilly morning has turned into a gorgeous day.  I see Maggie sitting in the fence and sigh with relief.  She hasn't gotten out again.  My little jaunt is over as I walk inside and pull off my pull-over.  Maggie comes tearing into the den to thoroughly sniff me -- the smells on my clothes being a roadmap to where I have been.  It is good to be home.       

A Trainy Easter

It is Easter morning and I am hanging out at the railroad tracks.  I am sitting on the bench by the railroad museum.  Not one train has graced my presence since I've been down here.  The train crews must have Easter off.  Disappointed, I walk on up to the shopping center.  It is closed.   It reminds me of how disappointed I always was when I was homeless and holidays arrived. The holidays always left you with nothing to do and reminded you of how lonely you were. 

I walk on around the shopping center and pass by the spot where Clara used to sleep.  It makes me think of her and the fact that I haven't heard from her in months.  You can still see the remnants of her addictions.  Beer and liquor bottles, and old discarded and empty packs of cigarettes.

On up the street from the shopping center, I pass by Rosa's dilapidated home.  She is soon to move into another apartment when it gets ready.   Her new apartment is being quickly remodeled.  I entertain the thought that I will call her today and see how she is doing.  "Nah," I think when I muse over it.  I don't want to sound desperate.  I don't want to exhibit weakness.

A mile later and I am walking by Joyce's and Mr. Ed's house.  The sun is hanging high on the horizon and the once chilly morning has turned into a gorgeous day.  I see Maggie sitting in the fence and sigh with relief.  She hasn't gotten out again.  My little jaunt is over as I walk inside and pull off my pull-over.  Maggie comes tearing into the den to thoroughly sniff me -- the smells on my clothes being a roadmap to where I have been.  It is good to be home.       

Big Blessings...

Wanda was telling me this morning on the drive back about her deepest regrets. 

"My children," she told me. "I put them through hell with my drinking."

She said her son was in the Army and stationed in Germany.  He will not talk to her.  Her daughter is also in AA and trying to stay sober with several young children of her own.

"I was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," Wanda told me. "You put some tequila in me and I turned into an abusive bitch of a mother.  I was mean, too, and would fight and abuse my family."

"It is a sickness," I replied. "I reckon it is very similar to insanity.  Believe me.  I know."

My ex-wife couldn't have children and I think that was a blessing in disguise.  I never put children of mine through the hell that can be mental illness and addiction. 

Will I ever have kids?  Hopefully, not until I have many years of sobriety and recovery from schizophrenia.  I am not heeding the alarm of my biological clock.  Maggie shall be my furkid.   Now, if I can just keep her from digging out of the fence.  It is like a teenage daughter sneaking out a window late at night to be with a boyfriend. 

Big Blessings...

Wanda was telling me this morning on the drive back about her deepest regrets. 

"My children," she told me. "I put them through hell with my drinking."

She said her son was in the Army and stationed in Germany.  He will not talk to her.  Her daughter is also in AA and trying to stay sober with several young children of her own.

"I was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," Wanda told me. "You put some tequila in me and I turned into an abusive bitch of a mother.  I was mean, too, and would fight and abuse my family."

"It is a sickness," I replied. "I reckon it is very similar to insanity.  Believe me.  I know."

My ex-wife couldn't have children and I think that was a blessing in disguise.  I never put children of mine through the hell that can be mental illness and addiction. 

Will I ever have kids?  Hopefully, not until I have many years of sobriety and recovery from schizophrenia.  I am not heeding the alarm of my biological clock.  Maggie shall be my furkid.   Now, if I can just keep her from digging out of the fence.  It is like a teenage daughter sneaking out a window late at night to be with a boyfriend. 

Overeater's Anonymous...

At this morning's AA meeting, I noticed on the bulletin board in the Fellowship Hall that they had Overeater's Anonymous meetings once a week.  Visions of large, lonely ladies came to mind that I had to push out of the way.  I am thinking of going to such meetings, but I don't look like your stereotypical OA meeting goer.  I am not very overweight.  I am male.  My eating disorder is hidden from the viewing world.  I rarely, if ever, talk about it in real life or on this blog.  I think I will try a meeting this week and see how it goes.  

Overeater's Anonymous...

At this morning's AA meeting, I noticed on the bulletin board in the Fellowship Hall that they had Overeater's Anonymous meetings once a week.  Visions of large, lonely ladies came to mind that I had to push out of the way.  I am thinking of going to such meetings, but I don't look like your stereotypical OA meeting goer.  I am not very overweight.  I am male.  My eating disorder is hidden from the viewing world.  I rarely, if ever, talk about it in real life or on this blog.  I think I will try a meeting this week and see how it goes.  

Dysfunctional Souls...

Went to another morning AA meeting.  Wanda had called me and asked me to go with her.  It was in a town with meetings I had never attended.  The Episcopal Church loomed large in my windshield as we pulled into the parking lot.  I had to ask a few passersby what room the meeting was in.

Inside the church smelled of burning candles and floral arrangements.  I grabbed Wanda's hand as we found the room and sat down.  Soon "Everybody ready for a meeting?" rang out in the fellowship hall. 

Wanda was excited and giddy today.  She kept telling me how good it was to be sober.  I responded by telling her my excitement as well.  To take joy out of life and to not have to have a drink to do it is amazing. 

We left and I drove Wanda back to her dilapidated single-wide trailer home.  Wanda's three big dogs jubilantly wagging their tails at her arrival. I realized how a lot alike me and Wanda are -- two dysfunctional souls whose lives hung on their dogs lives as we try to stay sober.   Two souls taking it one day at a time if only by the grace of God.       

Dysfunctional Souls...

Went to another morning AA meeting.  Wanda had called me and asked me to go with her.  It was in a town with meetings I had never attended.  The Episcopal Church loomed large in my windshield as we pulled into the parking lot.  I had to ask a few passersby what room the meeting was in.

Inside the church smelled of burning candles and floral arrangements.  I grabbed Wanda's hand as we found the room and sat down.  Soon "Everybody ready for a meeting?" rang out in the fellowship hall. 

Wanda was excited and giddy today.  She kept telling me how good it was to be sober.  I responded by telling her my excitement as well.  To take joy out of life and to not have to have a drink to do it is amazing. 

We left and I drove Wanda back to her dilapidated single-wide trailer home.  Wanda's three big dogs jubilantly wagging their tails at her arrival. I realized how a lot alike me and Wanda are -- two dysfunctional souls whose lives hung on their dogs lives as we try to stay sober.   Two souls taking it one day at a time if only by the grace of God.       

Ahhh, Veronica!

One of my father's pharmacy techs at the drug store is gorgeous. She has short red hair and always wears the most carefully applied and attractive makeup. She is not married and all her children are grown. I often like to walk up front to see her smile and to start up a conversation.

"She's really crazy and anal," my father said of Veronica today. "You don't want to get mixed up with her."

I still can't help but be mesmerized. Too bad I told myself to wait a year after Rosa to start dating again. I don't take it lightly that in AA they say to have a year of sobriety under your belt before you start dating. The last thing I need is for my tender heart to get stomped upon. I am still reeling over Rosa leaving.

Ahhh, Veronica!

One of my father's pharmacy techs at the drug store is gorgeous. She has short red hair and always wears the most carefully applied and attractive makeup. She is not married and all her children are grown. I often like to walk up front to see her smile and to start up a conversation.

"She's really crazy and anal," my father said of Veronica today. "You don't want to get mixed up with her."

I still can't help but be mesmerized. Too bad I told myself to wait a year after Rosa to start dating again. I don't take it lightly that in AA they say to have a year of sobriety under your belt before you start dating. The last thing I need is for my tender heart to get stomped upon. I am still reeling over Rosa leaving.

Enjoying the Sunshine!

This shot was a miracle!  Maggie is such a busybody that she will come check you out when you walk out the door -- just having to sniff you.  I snuck out the back door and caught her sleeping in the bright sunshine.  It is a beautiful day here in the Deep South. 

Enjoying the Sunshine!

This shot was a miracle!  Maggie is such a busybody that she will come check you out when you walk out the door -- just having to sniff you.  I snuck out the back door and caught her sleeping in the bright sunshine.  It is a beautiful day here in the Deep South. 

Breakfast with AA...

I keep telling myself that I am going to start going to more AA meetings.  In ten days Dad will start giving me money again and it is going to be a helluva temptation.  I need to be working my program and to be prepared.  I will be able to drink as long as I can hide it from my family.

This morning was a breakfast AA meeting.  The wives of many of our attendees brought breakfast casseroles, biscuits, and your staple breakfast foods.  Normally, I would shy from going to such a meeting as meetings out of the ordinary make me uncomfortable.  I went, though, and had a grand time.  I get lonesome and AA is the perfect cure for that condition.  On the whole,  AA members are so gregarious and social -- welcoming in any old wayward soul (as long as they are alcoholic).

We had a speaker for the meeting.  Some guy from near Chicago that cussed and cursed a lot.  Our rabidly conservative home AA group winced at every word.  I could feel it.  He was a bald fellow that had the exuberance of a southern Baptist preacher in the pulpit.  I enjoyed his message immensely.  It is amazing that people get sober with AA.  This guy's story reminded me that I was not alone.  That many people had struggled with the same addiction as I.  I left the meeting with a renewed fervor to stay sober, and that is always a miracle.  A day I decide to abstain and not drink is just another miracle of AA.   

Breakfast with AA...

I keep telling myself that I am going to start going to more AA meetings.  In ten days Dad will start giving me money again and it is going to be a helluva temptation.  I need to be working my program and to be prepared.  I will be able to drink as long as I can hide it from my family.

This morning was a breakfast AA meeting.  The wives of many of our attendees brought breakfast casseroles, biscuits, and your staple breakfast foods.  Normally, I would shy from going to such a meeting as meetings out of the ordinary make me uncomfortable.  I went, though, and had a grand time.  I get lonesome and AA is the perfect cure for that condition.  On the whole,  AA members are so gregarious and social -- welcoming in any old wayward soul (as long as they are alcoholic).

We had a speaker for the meeting.  Some guy from near Chicago that cussed and cursed a lot.  Our rabidly conservative home AA group winced at every word.  I could feel it.  He was a bald fellow that had the exuberance of a southern Baptist preacher in the pulpit.  I enjoyed his message immensely.  It is amazing that people get sober with AA.  This guy's story reminded me that I was not alone.  That many people had struggled with the same addiction as I.  I left the meeting with a renewed fervor to stay sober, and that is always a miracle.  A day I decide to abstain and not drink is just another miracle of AA.   

Unbridled Joy!

What I wrote a moment ago on Cheryl's blog. 

You just enjoy your show and get a good night's rest. I am having the best day of my life today, Cheryl. I haven't ever felt this good. I just wanted to share that with you because I know you care. Sleep tight!

I feel so good I don't want to go to bed and it is my bedtime (10:00 PM).  I don't want to miss out on this feeling of happiness that has so eluded me all my life.  I always drank trying to feel this way is what I told my father tonight. 

Unbridled Joy!

What I wrote a moment ago on Cheryl's blog. 

You just enjoy your show and get a good night's rest. I am having the best day of my life today, Cheryl. I haven't ever felt this good. I just wanted to share that with you because I know you care. Sleep tight!

I feel so good I don't want to go to bed and it is my bedtime (10:00 PM).  I don't want to miss out on this feeling of happiness that has so eluded me all my life.  I always drank trying to feel this way is what I told my father tonight. 

Starting to Look Like Spring...

On the drive home from work, everyone was out cutting their grass for the first time this spring.  It means I must get my mower out as well, soon.  Spring has just seemed to have exploded on the scene this year.

All the trees are already leafing out.  I got so excited when I saw this today!

Starting to Look Like Spring...

On the drive home from work, everyone was out cutting their grass for the first time this spring.  It means I must get my mower out as well, soon.  Spring has just seemed to have exploded on the scene this year.

All the trees are already leafing out.  I got so excited when I saw this today!

No Norton for Me!

Today at work my father's co-pharmacist was going around to all the computers and installing an updated Norton Internet security suite.

"Don't install it on mine," I told her.

"Why?" she asked. "Aren't you worried about viruses?"

"I only use the computer to order supplies and parts," I told her.

Angie went and talked to my father about it. Dad sided with me. I didn't want my already slow computer to get slower. I only use the computer for the occasional blog post and to order stuff from our supplier's web page. You have to be visiting some pretty nefarious websites to get viruses and trojans. Like porn websites. As I had feared, we immediately started having problems with one of the computers used to fill prescriptions. Norton wasn't allowing a certain program access to the web. I had to call our tech support to get it fixed. Those anti-virus and anti-spyware programs cause almost as much trouble as they do good these days.

No Norton for Me!

Today at work my father's co-pharmacist was going around to all the computers and installing an updated Norton Internet security suite.

"Don't install it on mine," I told her.

"Why?" she asked. "Aren't you worried about viruses?"

"I only use the computer to order supplies and parts," I told her.

Angie went and talked to my father about it. Dad sided with me. I didn't want my already slow computer to get slower. I only use the computer for the occasional blog post and to order stuff from our supplier's web page. You have to be visiting some pretty nefarious websites to get viruses and trojans. Like porn websites. As I had feared, we immediately started having problems with one of the computers used to fill prescriptions. Norton wasn't allowing a certain program access to the web. I had to call our tech support to get it fixed. Those anti-virus and anti-spyware programs cause almost as much trouble as they do good these days.

Just Like Defaming Christ...

Lunchtime found me in Lagrange at an AA meeting.  My friend Wanda was there and was so anxious for us to talk afterwards.  The thoroughly routine meeting ended and we left.  

"You've got a sponsor, right?" she asked me as we were walking to our cars.

"No," I replied sheepishly. "I have never managed to keep one."

"Wasn't Philip your temporary sponsor?" Wanda then asked.

"Yeah, but Philip is an AA asshole!" I quipped.

You should've seen the look on Wanda's face.  It looked almost as if I had defamed the name of Christ.

"He was just a little too AA for me," I said backpeddling with kinder words.

Wanda left and I got in my car to drive home.  I kept thinking why I had never gotten a sponsor.  I won't call them for one thing.  My social anxieties get in the way.  It would take a very forceful and forward sponsor to bring me out of my shell.    

Just Like Defaming Christ...

Lunchtime found me in Lagrange at an AA meeting.  My friend Wanda was there and was so anxious for us to talk afterwards.  The thoroughly routine meeting ended and we left.  

"You've got a sponsor, right?" she asked me as we were walking to our cars.

"No," I replied sheepishly. "I have never managed to keep one."

"Wasn't Philip your temporary sponsor?" Wanda then asked.

"Yeah, but Philip is an AA asshole!" I quipped.

You should've seen the look on Wanda's face.  It looked almost as if I had defamed the name of Christ.

"He was just a little too AA for me," I said backpeddling with kinder words.

Wanda left and I got in my car to drive home.  I kept thinking why I had never gotten a sponsor.  I won't call them for one thing.  My social anxieties get in the way.  It would take a very forceful and forward sponsor to bring me out of my shell.    

So Lonesome, It Hurts!

One of the elderly ladies I delivered to tonight was so starved for companionship.  She invited me in and started showing me pictures of her grandchildren.  She talked as if she hadn't talked to someone in days.   I feigned interest and stayed a good fifteen minutes.  I wanted to get home, though, to settle in my nightly routine of Bruce Williams' radio show.  How do you kindly leave someone who so needs you -- needs anyone?  Sadly, I know how she feels and should be more sympathetic and less selfish.   I vow on this blog to try and make more time for others like her at work.  That could be me some day and I have often felt to the point of being crazed I was so lonesome.  

So Lonesome, It Hurts!

One of the elderly ladies I delivered to tonight was so starved for companionship.  She invited me in and started showing me pictures of her grandchildren.  She talked as if she hadn't talked to someone in days.   I feigned interest and stayed a good fifteen minutes.  I wanted to get home, though, to settle in my nightly routine of Bruce Williams' radio show.  How do you kindly leave someone who so needs you -- needs anyone?  Sadly, I know how she feels and should be more sympathetic and less selfish.   I vow on this blog to try and make more time for others like her at work.  That could be me some day and I have often felt to the point of being crazed I was so lonesome.  

We Don't Sell That!

I had a note on my computer at work to call a lady inquiring about our hospital beds.

"Hello?" she asked as she picked up the phone for my call.

"Yes ma'am.  I am returning your call about the hospital bed."

"Does it have a bed pan built in?" she asked. 

"Excuse me?" I asked flummoxed.

"You know!  Something to poop in!" The lady tersely responded.

"No ma'am.  We don't sell them like that."

"Well damn," The lady abruptly said and hung up the phone.

I burst out in a smile.  I wouldn't be surprised if you could find one like that, but we don't sell them.  Normally, phone calls send me in a tizzy, but one of the gals up front had wrote on the note "She's Flaky!"  I was interested in the call cause I am flaky, too!  I thought maybe I had found my soul mate.

Right!  I am off to do deliveries.   I have a grand total of two tonight.  That we can do!

DAD AND MOM GET HOME TONIGHT! WOO HOO!

We Don't Sell That!

I had a note on my computer at work to call a lady inquiring about our hospital beds.

"Hello?" she asked as she picked up the phone for my call.

"Yes ma'am.  I am returning your call about the hospital bed."

"Does it have a bed pan built in?" she asked. 

"Excuse me?" I asked flummoxed.

"You know!  Something to poop in!" The lady tersely responded.

"No ma'am.  We don't sell them like that."

"Well damn," The lady abruptly said and hung up the phone.

I burst out in a smile.  I wouldn't be surprised if you could find one like that, but we don't sell them.  Normally, phone calls send me in a tizzy, but one of the gals up front had wrote on the note "She's Flaky!"  I was interested in the call cause I am flaky, too!  I thought maybe I had found my soul mate.

Right!  I am off to do deliveries.   I have a grand total of two tonight.  That we can do!

DAD AND MOM GET HOME TONIGHT! WOO HOO!

BLISS!!!

BLISS!!!

A Rainy Day in the Valley...

A Rainy Day in the Valley...

Sunset A Few Days Ago...

Sunset A Few Days Ago...

The Rainy Dog Days of Winter...

Maggie amazes me with her ability to sleep around the clock and sleep on a whim.  We slept all night and she goes and crashes in the den on the couch.  When I am up, I am up, and there is no going back to sleep until nightfall. 

The Rainy Dog Days of Winter...

Maggie amazes me with her ability to sleep around the clock and sleep on a whim.  We slept all night and she goes and crashes in the den on the couch.  When I am up, I am up, and there is no going back to sleep until nightfall. 

120 Days In...

It is hard to believe it has been a quarter of a year sober.  It seems like yesterday I was waking up overcoming a hangover.  My relationship with my family was in chaos.   And I could never imagine going more than a few days without a drink.  I hid my drinking for the longest time.   On this blog and in my real life.   It got to where I could no longer hide it, though. 

It is pouring rain here this morning and I find that oddly comforting.  I slept well last night with the TV on and my bedside lamp glaring all night.  Maggie stayed right with me.  The first thing I did when I got up was step on my scales.   I weighed 218 pounds.  That's a long way from the 257 I once weighed.  I contribute the weight loss to not drinking 20 calorie loaded beers a day and drinking diet Coke. 

120 Days In...

It is hard to believe it has been a quarter of a year sober.  It seems like yesterday I was waking up overcoming a hangover.  My relationship with my family was in chaos.   And I could never imagine going more than a few days without a drink.  I hid my drinking for the longest time.   On this blog and in my real life.   It got to where I could no longer hide it, though. 

It is pouring rain here this morning and I find that oddly comforting.  I slept well last night with the TV on and my bedside lamp glaring all night.  Maggie stayed right with me.  The first thing I did when I got up was step on my scales.   I weighed 218 pounds.  That's a long way from the 257 I once weighed.  I contribute the weight loss to not drinking 20 calorie loaded beers a day and drinking diet Coke. 

Royal Aromas...

I sat at a lady's kitchen table a moment ago as she wrote me a check made out to my father's store.  She was cooking supper and it smelled absolutely incredible.  I never did know what it was, but it smelled like an Italian dish.  I had to come home and eat a sandwich I was so hungry from that. 

Today was a good day at work.  Quiet and I like them like that.  The criticism I received at work yesterday was not about my job performance, but about how I handled a situation with Joyce.  Joyce's mental illness and it's reputation precedes her even at my father's store. 

Well, let me settle in and enjoy a quiet evening.  I have issue #2 of a new Model Railroader to read.  Let's see if I can cajole Maggie into sitting on the couch with me for an hour.  She's been awful antsy and bark-ish today.   I get lonesome and having Maggie with me feels like having your best friend along for the ride.  I sure have been missing Rosa today. 

Royal Aromas...

I sat at a lady's kitchen table a moment ago as she wrote me a check made out to my father's store.  She was cooking supper and it smelled absolutely incredible.  I never did know what it was, but it smelled like an Italian dish.  I had to come home and eat a sandwich I was so hungry from that. 

Today was a good day at work.  Quiet and I like them like that.  The criticism I received at work yesterday was not about my job performance, but about how I handled a situation with Joyce.  Joyce's mental illness and it's reputation precedes her even at my father's store. 

Well, let me settle in and enjoy a quiet evening.  I have issue #2 of a new Model Railroader to read.  Let's see if I can cajole Maggie into sitting on the couch with me for an hour.  She's been awful antsy and bark-ish today.   I get lonesome and having Maggie with me feels like having your best friend along for the ride.  I sure have been missing Rosa today. 

More Joy...

I just wrote on The Homeless Guy's comments that I loved him and I hoped he was having a good day.  This is contagious.   He won't publish it though for fears of sending some of his readers my way.  That is just the way it is with him.  He'll have to read it to delete it, though. :-)

More Joy...

I just wrote on The Homeless Guy's comments that I loved him and I hoped he was having a good day.  This is contagious.   He won't publish it though for fears of sending some of his readers my way.  That is just the way it is with him.  He'll have to read it to delete it, though. :-)

Spreading the Joy...

I just walked over to Joyce's house and knocked on the door.   She opened it and I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.

"What was that for?" Joyce asked, smiling broadly.

"I feel good and I want to share it!" I replied as I hugged her once more. 

"Thank you," Joyce said, still smiling. "You made me feel better."

"That's the whole idea.  I haven't felt this good in days. I want you to feel good, too!"

I left with a spring in my step as Joyce stood at her door and watched me walk away.  I looked over my shoulder and winked at her.  It is just good to be alive.  I feel ecstatic!

Spreading the Joy...

I just walked over to Joyce's house and knocked on the door.   She opened it and I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.

"What was that for?" Joyce asked, smiling broadly.

"I feel good and I want to share it!" I replied as I hugged her once more. 

"Thank you," Joyce said, still smiling. "You made me feel better."

"That's the whole idea.  I haven't felt this good in days. I want you to feel good, too!"

I left with a spring in my step as Joyce stood at her door and watched me walk away.  I looked over my shoulder and winked at her.  It is just good to be alive.  I feel ecstatic!

The Amazing Multi-Personality Man

I feel so much better today.  I wish I could bottle this feeling and unleash it on the days I am struggling.  Yesterday was hell.  I wanted to get drunk or blitzed all day.  It was probably the closest I have come to drinking in all these one hundred days of sobriety.  I realize it is chemical and in my brain.

Bonus Round:  Two Model Railroaders were in the mail today.  It was like Christmas all over again.  I am fixing to curl up in my Lazy Boy with Nickelodeon on the TV and a Diet Coke in my hand and read for a few hours.  I need comfort -- soothing, calming comfort.   I am just so damned glad to be feeling better today!!!!!!!!!!

The Amazing Multi-Personality Man

I feel so much better today.  I wish I could bottle this feeling and unleash it on the days I am struggling.  Yesterday was hell.  I wanted to get drunk or blitzed all day.  It was probably the closest I have come to drinking in all these one hundred days of sobriety.  I realize it is chemical and in my brain.

Bonus Round:  Two Model Railroaders were in the mail today.  It was like Christmas all over again.  I am fixing to curl up in my Lazy Boy with Nickelodeon on the TV and a Diet Coke in my hand and read for a few hours.  I need comfort -- soothing, calming comfort.   I am just so damned glad to be feeling better today!!!!!!!!!!

Remarkable...

I arrived home from work last night and collapsed in my Lazy Boy.  I was so tired and it had been my longest day at work yet.  12 deliveries was a record amount for me.  Soon, there was a knock on my door.  It was Charlie.

"Meals on wheels!" he exclaimed as I opened the door.

Charlie's wife had cooked a pot roast, potatoes, carrots, green beans, and cornbread.  I was so hungry for a home cooked meal and was overjoyed.

"Tell your wife she is a saint!" I exclaimed back.

Charlie gave me my medications and I immediately started to feel better.  I had struggled all day yesterday.  My anxieties and worries melted away.  I soon crawled into the bed watching TV for a few hours.  I actually managed to watch Court TV last night instead of cartoons.  I am getting better slowly, but surely. 

Remarkable...

I arrived home from work last night and collapsed in my Lazy Boy.  I was so tired and it had been my longest day at work yet.  12 deliveries was a record amount for me.  Soon, there was a knock on my door.  It was Charlie.

"Meals on wheels!" he exclaimed as I opened the door.

Charlie's wife had cooked a pot roast, potatoes, carrots, green beans, and cornbread.  I was so hungry for a home cooked meal and was overjoyed.

"Tell your wife she is a saint!" I exclaimed back.

Charlie gave me my medications and I immediately started to feel better.  I had struggled all day yesterday.  My anxieties and worries melted away.  I soon crawled into the bed watching TV for a few hours.  I actually managed to watch Court TV last night instead of cartoons.  I am getting better slowly, but surely. 

The Thinnest of Skins...

I got criticized tonight at work and it hit me so hard.  That happens often when you're an under-achiever in an over-achieving family.  I need to be a man and suck it up.  Why do I want to cry, though?  I am so wire thin sensitive even after all the recovery I've experienced. 

I've got 12 deliveries to do tonight.  The store is closing in ten minutes.  I better get on the road. 

You know what my first thought was, though?  I wanted a drink.  I wanted to buy a twelve pack of beer and drown my sorrows.  I've got to grow some thicker skin.  

The Thinnest of Skins...

I got criticized tonight at work and it hit me so hard.  That happens often when you're an under-achiever in an over-achieving family.  I need to be a man and suck it up.  Why do I want to cry, though?  I am so wire thin sensitive even after all the recovery I've experienced. 

I've got 12 deliveries to do tonight.  The store is closing in ten minutes.  I better get on the road. 

You know what my first thought was, though?  I wanted a drink.  I wanted to buy a twelve pack of beer and drown my sorrows.  I've got to grow some thicker skin.  

Time for Work...

I always feel uneasy at work without Dad here.  As if the employees don't know what to do with me.   Dad and Mom are still in California. 

I came in to work saying hello to everyone and escaped to my office.  I have several notes of things needing doing waiting by my computer.  Right!  Let me get busy.  I have a lot of deliveries to do today.   I need this busy activity to take my mind off my addictions.  It has been one of those days.  

Time for Work...

I always feel uneasy at work without Dad here.  As if the employees don't know what to do with me.   Dad and Mom are still in California. 

I came in to work saying hello to everyone and escaped to my office.  I have several notes of things needing doing waiting by my computer.  Right!  Let me get busy.  I have a lot of deliveries to do today.   I need this busy activity to take my mind off my addictions.  It has been one of those days.  

Inner Demons...

Joyce came over at lunch.  I fixed us some ham sandwiches and listened quietly as she talked.  She has just struggled so lately.  She emphatically replied that she had taken her medications, though.

"My mind seems to spin out of control," she told me. "I lose my grasp on reality."

I kind of felt like her psychiatrist as she talked.  Just nodding and saying, "yes" at opportune moments. 

I had woken up this morning struggling with my own inner demons.  I got it in my head that it would be a good idea to ask Joyce for five bucks.  I wanted to go get some Benadryl and sleep my day away not wanting to face it.  Joyce's own problems made me feel like a shill for thinking this.  Addictions can have such a sway over a rational mind.  

Joyce finally left and I felt so guiltily thankful for my own sane mind these days.  Unlike Joyce, my medications seem to be working.  I get bored and lonesome, but at least I am not struggling with mental illness these days.

They say the powers that be work in mysterious ways.  I found a 3mg Risperdal under the cushion of my Lazy Boy on a whimsical search.  I took it and hopefully will feel calmer in a few minutes.   I took it in the hopes that I will feel anything, but what is normal for me.  It is that old addictive personality rearing it's ugly head.    

Inner Demons...

Joyce came over at lunch.  I fixed us some ham sandwiches and listened quietly as she talked.  She has just struggled so lately.  She emphatically replied that she had taken her medications, though.

"My mind seems to spin out of control," she told me. "I lose my grasp on reality."

I kind of felt like her psychiatrist as she talked.  Just nodding and saying, "yes" at opportune moments. 

I had woken up this morning struggling with my own inner demons.  I got it in my head that it would be a good idea to ask Joyce for five bucks.  I wanted to go get some Benadryl and sleep my day away not wanting to face it.  Joyce's own problems made me feel like a shill for thinking this.  Addictions can have such a sway over a rational mind.  

Joyce finally left and I felt so guiltily thankful for my own sane mind these days.  Unlike Joyce, my medications seem to be working.  I get bored and lonesome, but at least I am not struggling with mental illness these days.

They say the powers that be work in mysterious ways.  I found a 3mg Risperdal under the cushion of my Lazy Boy on a whimsical search.  I took it and hopefully will feel calmer in a few minutes.   I took it in the hopes that I will feel anything, but what is normal for me.  It is that old addictive personality rearing it's ugly head.    

Kicking a Dead Horse...

To borrow an old cowboy's euphemism.  Joyce asked me today if I hated anyone.  I thought long and hard, and finally told her I hated The Homeless Guy.  I hated the way he is using good and charitable people.  It bugged me for the rest of the day that I hated someone.  The Homeless Guy had taken the place of G.W. Bush in the annals of my most hated person.   Joyce also told me she hated my mother so we were a tough crowd to please today.  Joyce was very mentally ill, though.  I had no excuse. 

That bugged the shit out of me that I could harbor enough rancor to hate someone, though.   I decided that was the new thing to work on for me.  To forgive and to forget.   I deleted all the links and all the numerous blog posts and articles that had negatively been written about the guy.  I vowed that I had a choice in not bearing such malice for another human being.  They always say the best and hardest changes start at home.  I may even send the guy a few bucks when I start getting money again on April 1st, April Fool's Day.  I know he will laugh and see it as a joke.  

Kicking a Dead Horse...

To borrow an old cowboy's euphemism.  Joyce asked me today if I hated anyone.  I thought long and hard, and finally told her I hated The Homeless Guy.  I hated the way he is using good and charitable people.  It bugged me for the rest of the day that I hated someone.  The Homeless Guy had taken the place of G.W. Bush in the annals of my most hated person.   Joyce also told me she hated my mother so we were a tough crowd to please today.  Joyce was very mentally ill, though.  I had no excuse. 

That bugged the shit out of me that I could harbor enough rancor to hate someone, though.   I decided that was the new thing to work on for me.  To forgive and to forget.   I deleted all the links and all the numerous blog posts and articles that had negatively been written about the guy.  I vowed that I had a choice in not bearing such malice for another human being.  They always say the best and hardest changes start at home.  I may even send the guy a few bucks when I start getting money again on April 1st, April Fool's Day.  I know he will laugh and see it as a joke.  

The Canine Versus My Sock

The Canine Versus My Sock