I like how Maggie sticks her legs out back when she is content like this. Comfort!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S...
George came back by to get his whiskey.
"I poured it out!" I told him.
He wasn't pissed, but he was perturbed.
"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked of George's khaki pants and Polo shirt.
"I'm dressed as a white guy for Halloween," he said with a big toothy grin.
I burst out laughing. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen. George relished the attention.
"Momma said I should dress this way more often," George replied.
H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S...
George came back by to get his whiskey.
"I poured it out!" I told him.
He wasn't pissed, but he was perturbed.
"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked of George's khaki pants and Polo shirt.
"I'm dressed as a white guy for Halloween," he said with a big toothy grin.
I burst out laughing. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen. George relished the attention.
"Momma said I should dress this way more often," George replied.
Damn That George...
George was sipping from a flask of Southern Comfort this morning. Southern Comfort was about the only hard liquor I drank during my drinking career and I have a weakness for it. I wasn't feeling well this morning when George left the house and also left that flask of Southern Comfort sitting on my piano. George is going to be pissed as I went directly and poured that expensive liquor out. I just didn't want to deal with the temptation today.
I awoke with an abscessed tooth. Nothing a regimen of antibiotics won't cure. Dad is bringing some after lunch. My gum is swollen twice it's size.
Mrs. Florene also called me this morning. She wanted to know if I was participating in Halloween candy giving. I told her I had a big bowl of Reese's peanut butter cups to hand out. I carved my pumpkin yesterday just a little late. I will light the candle inside when it gets about dark. Looking at my handy work will bring me a lot of satisfaction this afternoon. I carved the pumpkin into the DeathStar from Star Wars. I found instructions online. It looks so cool.
Yesterday, Helen cooked a huge pan of cornbread. Much larger than usual. I had cornbread crumbled into warm milk for breakfast. I do love that meal. I bet it sounds odd.
Damn That George...
George was sipping from a flask of Southern Comfort this morning. Southern Comfort was about the only hard liquor I drank during my drinking career and I have a weakness for it. I wasn't feeling well this morning when George left the house and also left that flask of Southern Comfort sitting on my piano. George is going to be pissed as I went directly and poured that expensive liquor out. I just didn't want to deal with the temptation today.
I awoke with an abscessed tooth. Nothing a regimen of antibiotics won't cure. Dad is bringing some after lunch. My gum is swollen twice it's size.
Mrs. Florene also called me this morning. She wanted to know if I was participating in Halloween candy giving. I told her I had a big bowl of Reese's peanut butter cups to hand out. I carved my pumpkin yesterday just a little late. I will light the candle inside when it gets about dark. Looking at my handy work will bring me a lot of satisfaction this afternoon. I carved the pumpkin into the DeathStar from Star Wars. I found instructions online. It looks so cool.
Yesterday, Helen cooked a huge pan of cornbread. Much larger than usual. I had cornbread crumbled into warm milk for breakfast. I do love that meal. I bet it sounds odd.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Helen's Supper...
Tonight, Helen cooked fried pork cutlets, butter beans, baked sweet potato, english peas, green salad, and cornbread. It was green vegetable night, tonight!
Helen's Supper...
Tonight, Helen cooked fried pork cutlets, butter beans, baked sweet potato, english peas, green salad, and cornbread. It was green vegetable night, tonight!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Camouflage...
George wanted me to ride with him to get gas tonight. I wanted a "leaded" Coca-Cola so I tagged along. We were passing the elementary school just down the road from my house when a bunch of kids in dark hoodies walked across the road in front of us. George slammed on the brakes and said, "Damn! Those little niggas be camouflaged!"
I died laughing. I thought it was the funniest thing I had heard in weeks.
"If dey don't watch out, dey gonna be little grease stains on the highway," George furthered.
I was rolling in the floor. George never fails to make me laugh. I've missed him and was glad to find him no worse for wear tonight.
Camouflage...
George wanted me to ride with him to get gas tonight. I wanted a "leaded" Coca-Cola so I tagged along. We were passing the elementary school just down the road from my house when a bunch of kids in dark hoodies walked across the road in front of us. George slammed on the brakes and said, "Damn! Those little niggas be camouflaged!"
I died laughing. I thought it was the funniest thing I had heard in weeks.
"If dey don't watch out, dey gonna be little grease stains on the highway," George furthered.
I was rolling in the floor. George never fails to make me laugh. I've missed him and was glad to find him no worse for wear tonight.
The Old Soul...
Don't ask me why I am up at five. I've been up since four. I went to bed at eight, though.
Last night, mom came over and helped me make a homemade chicken pot pie. It was okay, but I wanted more dumplings in the pie. I will have to work on perfecting mom's old recipe. A tradition with pot pies growing up was that Rene, our cook and maid, would add whole hard boiled eggs to it. I think this is so delicious and I did the same last night.
Well, my old soul, Maggie, is laying at my feet this morning. I've been calling her "The Old Soul" for days now. There seems to be so much wisdom and kindness in those brown eyes. I sometimes think I have someone like Ben Franklin reincarnated in my dog. And I take cues from Maggie about how to live life. Naps. Good food. Chasing Pussy. Maggie seems to have all the "food groups" covered.
This morning is my injection for my mental illness. It couldn't come sooner as I've been struggling these past two days. I keep having this sensation that I can't walk - my legs feel wobbly and pulsating. Dad is always kind on shot day and gives me two extra Klonopin to take. I look forward to taking my medications and truly relaxing for a few hours. It can be intoxicating.
Well, let me get a good breakfast started, feed Maggie, and take a bath. I've still got quite a few hours until time to head to the doctor's office.
The Old Soul...
Don't ask me why I am up at five. I've been up since four. I went to bed at eight, though.
Last night, mom came over and helped me make a homemade chicken pot pie. It was okay, but I wanted more dumplings in the pie. I will have to work on perfecting mom's old recipe. A tradition with pot pies growing up was that Rene, our cook and maid, would add whole hard boiled eggs to it. I think this is so delicious and I did the same last night.
Well, my old soul, Maggie, is laying at my feet this morning. I've been calling her "The Old Soul" for days now. There seems to be so much wisdom and kindness in those brown eyes. I sometimes think I have someone like Ben Franklin reincarnated in my dog. And I take cues from Maggie about how to live life. Naps. Good food. Chasing Pussy. Maggie seems to have all the "food groups" covered.
This morning is my injection for my mental illness. It couldn't come sooner as I've been struggling these past two days. I keep having this sensation that I can't walk - my legs feel wobbly and pulsating. Dad is always kind on shot day and gives me two extra Klonopin to take. I look forward to taking my medications and truly relaxing for a few hours. It can be intoxicating.
Well, let me get a good breakfast started, feed Maggie, and take a bath. I've still got quite a few hours until time to head to the doctor's office.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The Last of the Summer Wine...
This shot was hard. The wind was blowing and I finally got the bright idea to hold the stem of the flowers with my fingers. It is still kind of blurry. I tried to fix it in photoshop, but didn't do a good job.
The Last of the Summer Wine...
This shot was hard. The wind was blowing and I finally got the bright idea to hold the stem of the flowers with my fingers. It is still kind of blurry. I tried to fix it in photoshop, but didn't do a good job.
The Pseudo Drunken Phone Conversationist...
My speech has been slurred for the past four days because of something going on with my medications. It was alarming at first, but I just resigned myself that it's just the myriad of side effects my medications impart. Well, it has made it impossible to talk on the phone and the phone rang dozens of times yesterday.
"Mr. Delaney?" a voice would say.
"You have a wrong number," I would reply drunkenly.
The phone would ring again a few minutes later.
"Mr. Delaney?" Another voice would ask.
Sigh. Apparently some Delaney character was giving out my unlisted number as his. It almost got comical towards the end of the day.
On top of all this, I had mom calling constantly. I made the mistake of telling her I was almost out of gasoline in my Honda. Well, this drove my secretary crazy.
"I called your father and he is going to fill up your car," mom said at one point.
I know dad just loved me yesterday getting mom all riled up about my gas situation.
"Be careful what you tell your mother," he told me exasperated last night.
I couldn't help but smile. My mother can be such a driven and impatient creature.
The Pseudo Drunken Phone Conversationist...
My speech has been slurred for the past four days because of something going on with my medications. It was alarming at first, but I just resigned myself that it's just the myriad of side effects my medications impart. Well, it has made it impossible to talk on the phone and the phone rang dozens of times yesterday.
"Mr. Delaney?" a voice would say.
"You have a wrong number," I would reply drunkenly.
The phone would ring again a few minutes later.
"Mr. Delaney?" Another voice would ask.
Sigh. Apparently some Delaney character was giving out my unlisted number as his. It almost got comical towards the end of the day.
On top of all this, I had mom calling constantly. I made the mistake of telling her I was almost out of gasoline in my Honda. Well, this drove my secretary crazy.
"I called your father and he is going to fill up your car," mom said at one point.
I know dad just loved me yesterday getting mom all riled up about my gas situation.
"Be careful what you tell your mother," he told me exasperated last night.
I couldn't help but smile. My mother can be such a driven and impatient creature.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Pushing Maggie's Buttons...
Now, if you want to really rile Maggie up, play a video of cats fighting on your computer! She just went absolutely ape shiat bananas.
"Where's the kitty?" I asked loudly over the video to incite her further.
She finally went tearing outside barking ferociously as no cat could ever invade our humble abode. The fighting cats could only be outside.
I'm not mean, but it is going to be awfully hard not to play this video tomorrow to incite her further. Nothing gets her more riled up than a cat. I know all my cat loving readers just find me so appealing and adorable right now. My dog: The Pussy Police!
Pushing Maggie's Buttons...
Now, if you want to really rile Maggie up, play a video of cats fighting on your computer! She just went absolutely ape shiat bananas.
"Where's the kitty?" I asked loudly over the video to incite her further.
She finally went tearing outside barking ferociously as no cat could ever invade our humble abode. The fighting cats could only be outside.
I'm not mean, but it is going to be awfully hard not to play this video tomorrow to incite her further. Nothing gets her more riled up than a cat. I know all my cat loving readers just find me so appealing and adorable right now. My dog: The Pussy Police!
It's Raining...It's Pouring...
It's really been raining here this morning. I love it! Maggie's in the bed. I am sitting mostly in my LazyBoy. We are having a quiet day just to ourselves.
Mom called me and told me she is going to get my groceries tomorrow instead of Thursday. We go through the same routine every time with me or her having to name each individual grocery out. I get the same things every time.
"You need eggs and butter?" she asked.
"Of course," I replied.
"Bacon?"
"Yes."
"Now I can only get you 8 cans of Chef-Boy-R-Dee instead of 10," she told me.
They are only .99 cents a can so I couldn't understand how two dollars is going to make much difference in my grocery bill. Only in the mind of my mother. Another one of those peculiarities I have to put up with to get my groceries home delivered.
The big changes this week were that I didn't want cheddar, raisin bran, bologna, or grits.
It's Raining...It's Pouring...
It's really been raining here this morning. I love it! Maggie's in the bed. I am sitting mostly in my LazyBoy. We are having a quiet day just to ourselves.
Mom called me and told me she is going to get my groceries tomorrow instead of Thursday. We go through the same routine every time with me or her having to name each individual grocery out. I get the same things every time.
"You need eggs and butter?" she asked.
"Of course," I replied.
"Bacon?"
"Yes."
"Now I can only get you 8 cans of Chef-Boy-R-Dee instead of 10," she told me.
They are only .99 cents a can so I couldn't understand how two dollars is going to make much difference in my grocery bill. Only in the mind of my mother. Another one of those peculiarities I have to put up with to get my groceries home delivered.
The big changes this week were that I didn't want cheddar, raisin bran, bologna, or grits.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Rain on the Horizon...
Today was another stir crazy day. I sat. Sat. Sat. Uncrossed my legs. Crossed them. Uncrossed them. Swung them wildly about in a moment of restless leg syndrome. It wasn't bad. Just uncomfortable.
Today was a big Maggie day, though. I had five bucks and went and spent it on my dog. I bought her some rawhide and she chewed and chewed and chewed. She had the best time of her life and I said was going to have to treat her more often. I want to get her beef jerky, but the price is prohibitive. I bet she would absolutely love it.
I was also thinking about George and Pookie off and on. George was such a staple in my life and abandoned me temporarily for that woman. I realized today that her first parole officer meeting will be soon. They will drug test her. She will fail and land back in jail. There is a silver lining to that cloud for sure. Aren't I dastardly and conniving?
Dad was really hard on me yesterday before I went with Mrs. Florene. He said I had been doing badly since August. I was shocked. I thought I've been doing better in the past two years than I have my whole life. It really knocked me down a few notches. I realized I have got to quit trying to live up to his standards. Me and mom have a tough row to hoe as they say.
Rain on the Horizon...
Today was another stir crazy day. I sat. Sat. Sat. Uncrossed my legs. Crossed them. Uncrossed them. Swung them wildly about in a moment of restless leg syndrome. It wasn't bad. Just uncomfortable.
Today was a big Maggie day, though. I had five bucks and went and spent it on my dog. I bought her some rawhide and she chewed and chewed and chewed. She had the best time of her life and I said was going to have to treat her more often. I want to get her beef jerky, but the price is prohibitive. I bet she would absolutely love it.
I was also thinking about George and Pookie off and on. George was such a staple in my life and abandoned me temporarily for that woman. I realized today that her first parole officer meeting will be soon. They will drug test her. She will fail and land back in jail. There is a silver lining to that cloud for sure. Aren't I dastardly and conniving?
Dad was really hard on me yesterday before I went with Mrs. Florene. He said I had been doing badly since August. I was shocked. I thought I've been doing better in the past two years than I have my whole life. It really knocked me down a few notches. I realized I have got to quit trying to live up to his standards. Me and mom have a tough row to hoe as they say.
She's a Lady...
Last night Mrs. Florene called me. Mainly about George, but then she asked me if I would take her to the grocery store, she would cook me a good supper. I called dad and asked when he was bringing my medications and he said he was on the way. Good.
We went to the Piggly Wiggly and I followed Mrs. Jones around as she shopped.
"We're gonna have some cubed steak, rice and gravy, steamed broccoli, and biscuits," she told me.
"Let's cook some Brussels' sprouts, too!" I told her.
She said she had cooked them only once in her life.
"I remember cooking them with butter and lemon," she said.
So that's what we did. I also learned how to make true Southern sticky rice. It was delicious with a heaping helping of steak gravy.
Amazingly, the conversation didn't keep gravitating towards George. We talked mainly about cooking and mine and her's favorite foods. I told her I loved a ribeye, baked potato, and salad.
"Too tough to chew for my dentures," she replied.
I smiled. I bet it would be. I left, drove home, and Maggie snuggled up on the couch with me which was odd for her. She kept wanting me to scratch her back and her persistence was heart warming. So, we spent a quiet evening watching TV and giving one way back scratches. It was a good evening and I needed it.
She's a Lady...
Last night Mrs. Florene called me. Mainly about George, but then she asked me if I would take her to the grocery store, she would cook me a good supper. I called dad and asked when he was bringing my medications and he said he was on the way. Good.
We went to the Piggly Wiggly and I followed Mrs. Jones around as she shopped.
"We're gonna have some cubed steak, rice and gravy, steamed broccoli, and biscuits," she told me.
"Let's cook some Brussels' sprouts, too!" I told her.
She said she had cooked them only once in her life.
"I remember cooking them with butter and lemon," she said.
So that's what we did. I also learned how to make true Southern sticky rice. It was delicious with a heaping helping of steak gravy.
Amazingly, the conversation didn't keep gravitating towards George. We talked mainly about cooking and mine and her's favorite foods. I told her I loved a ribeye, baked potato, and salad.
"Too tough to chew for my dentures," she replied.
I smiled. I bet it would be. I left, drove home, and Maggie snuggled up on the couch with me which was odd for her. She kept wanting me to scratch her back and her persistence was heart warming. So, we spent a quiet evening watching TV and giving one way back scratches. It was a good evening and I needed it.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I Need More Compassion...
I feel much better this morning. I noticed today that I am able to daydream again. I can't do this when I am feeling mentally unwell. Dad was kind of grilling me yesterday about my appearances, though.
"You're hair is sticking up and looks wild. You need to shave. You just look disheveled," he told me. "You can usually pull yourself together."
That's just it! I can't! I can't pull myself together when my mental illness grabs hold of me. I tried to tell dad that's like telling a cancer patient to suck it up and feel normal. He still doesn't get it though. I've learned my mental illness works in cycles just like mom's. I have to weather the stormy periods and relish the good.
It certainly is nice to feel better this morning. I feel content and that is something worth a million dollars to me. Just to be able to sit and watch TV without feeling like I am going to jump out of my skin is a wonderful thing. To be able to use the computer and actually concentrate on what I am doing is worth a thousand words - more than I could ever write in a blog post.
I Need More Compassion...
I feel much better this morning. I noticed today that I am able to daydream again. I can't do this when I am feeling mentally unwell. Dad was kind of grilling me yesterday about my appearances, though.
"You're hair is sticking up and looks wild. You need to shave. You just look disheveled," he told me. "You can usually pull yourself together."
That's just it! I can't! I can't pull myself together when my mental illness grabs hold of me. I tried to tell dad that's like telling a cancer patient to suck it up and feel normal. He still doesn't get it though. I've learned my mental illness works in cycles just like mom's. I have to weather the stormy periods and relish the good.
It certainly is nice to feel better this morning. I feel content and that is something worth a million dollars to me. Just to be able to sit and watch TV without feeling like I am going to jump out of my skin is a wonderful thing. To be able to use the computer and actually concentrate on what I am doing is worth a thousand words - more than I could ever write in a blog post.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
A Train of a Morning...
I drove into West Point this morning hoping to see Big S. I hadn't seen him in months and George had said he was hanging out at the shopping center across the river. No Big S. It was just too cold at 52 degrees. I did notice the train signal had just turned yellow meaning a train was on the way. I turned around, parked at the bank, and sat on the very same bench where Ferret used to sleep when he was homeless. How he could get any sleep on that cold concrete I will never know, but he did.
Soon, a train came roaring through downtown. This always perks me up and I get excited. The train must have been a 100 cars long as it took forever to pass. I always like the myriad of graffiti on the cars as they roll by. I always wonder what bored kids were in a train yard with cans of spray paint to do this. I imagine gangs of Latinos marking their territory with gang signs - letting the world know that this is their space. "This hopper car is now property of the little muchachos of East Miami."
The phone was ringing when I arrived home shortly. It was mom.
"Come get your Diet Cokes and cigarettes," she said. "They are on the back porch."
Yee-Haw!!!!
"What are you doing up so early?" I asked, amused.
"Seeing about you, silly!" she said, matter-of-factly.
I got a good laugh out of that.
Well, I am now enjoying my Cokes as I browse the World Wide Web and write. I also took two Klonopin and they will affect me in about an hour. I shouldn't take them so frivolously, but I needed some extra comfort and oomph this morning. I still feel a little stir crazy.
A Train of a Morning...
I drove into West Point this morning hoping to see Big S. I hadn't seen him in months and George had said he was hanging out at the shopping center across the river. No Big S. It was just too cold at 52 degrees. I did notice the train signal had just turned yellow meaning a train was on the way. I turned around, parked at the bank, and sat on the very same bench where Ferret used to sleep when he was homeless. How he could get any sleep on that cold concrete I will never know, but he did.
Soon, a train came roaring through downtown. This always perks me up and I get excited. The train must have been a 100 cars long as it took forever to pass. I always like the myriad of graffiti on the cars as they roll by. I always wonder what bored kids were in a train yard with cans of spray paint to do this. I imagine gangs of Latinos marking their territory with gang signs - letting the world know that this is their space. "This hopper car is now property of the little muchachos of East Miami."
The phone was ringing when I arrived home shortly. It was mom.
"Come get your Diet Cokes and cigarettes," she said. "They are on the back porch."
Yee-Haw!!!!
"What are you doing up so early?" I asked, amused.
"Seeing about you, silly!" she said, matter-of-factly.
I got a good laugh out of that.
Well, I am now enjoying my Cokes as I browse the World Wide Web and write. I also took two Klonopin and they will affect me in about an hour. I shouldn't take them so frivolously, but I needed some extra comfort and oomph this morning. I still feel a little stir crazy.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Helen's Supper...
Helen cooked my favorite meal of her's tonight. Meat loaf, peas and carrots, macaroni and cheese, and biscuits. I haven't eaten so much in a very long time. It is going to be an uncomfortable evening as I digest this massive plate of food.
Helen's Supper...
Helen cooked my favorite meal of her's tonight. Meat loaf, peas and carrots, macaroni and cheese, and biscuits. I haven't eaten so much in a very long time. It is going to be an uncomfortable evening as I digest this massive plate of food.
George Has Left the Building...
George just disappeared. It has been three mornings since I've seen him. Pookie got out of jail and George went gallivanting through the underlife of our town. I know exactly what happened. George took Pookie to the crack house while he drank and she smoked up. All on George's money. She will no doubt steal his money again via his wallet after an amorous, but dangerous encounter de lah tey. I am sure Mrs. Jones is worried as am I. I hope he's going to work. It would be a disaster for him to lose that good paying job with Wal-Mart.
I am no stranger to such things. When I was married, I would get up some beer money and gather all my camping gear. I would head to our woods in God's country and go on a three or four day bender at my favorite spot in the piney woods of Alabama. I would just sit for days drinking copious amounts of beer and listening to talk radio. Rachel would somehow always find me and bring me home. So I understand George's thinking process right now.
We had a much ballyhooed cold front move through this morning with a whimper. I was getting my six Diet Cokes off of mom and dad's porch as it started to spit rain. The rain increased as I drove home and just quit. I looked at the radar online and the rain coverage looked kind of puny and pitiful. I was disappointed and wanted some more gully washers.
I stepped on the scales this morning and weighed 168 pounds. That the least I have weighed in decades. I am not intending to lose weight. I think it is my medications. I don't have much of an appetite and have to remind myself to eat. Dad said yesterday, "You're looking kind of skinny these days." They worry I am dabbling in my old nemesis eating disorders again.
George Has Left the Building...
George just disappeared. It has been three mornings since I've seen him. Pookie got out of jail and George went gallivanting through the underlife of our town. I know exactly what happened. George took Pookie to the crack house while he drank and she smoked up. All on George's money. She will no doubt steal his money again via his wallet after an amorous, but dangerous encounter de lah tey. I am sure Mrs. Jones is worried as am I. I hope he's going to work. It would be a disaster for him to lose that good paying job with Wal-Mart.
I am no stranger to such things. When I was married, I would get up some beer money and gather all my camping gear. I would head to our woods in God's country and go on a three or four day bender at my favorite spot in the piney woods of Alabama. I would just sit for days drinking copious amounts of beer and listening to talk radio. Rachel would somehow always find me and bring me home. So I understand George's thinking process right now.
We had a much ballyhooed cold front move through this morning with a whimper. I was getting my six Diet Cokes off of mom and dad's porch as it started to spit rain. The rain increased as I drove home and just quit. I looked at the radar online and the rain coverage looked kind of puny and pitiful. I was disappointed and wanted some more gully washers.
I stepped on the scales this morning and weighed 168 pounds. That the least I have weighed in decades. I am not intending to lose weight. I think it is my medications. I don't have much of an appetite and have to remind myself to eat. Dad said yesterday, "You're looking kind of skinny these days." They worry I am dabbling in my old nemesis eating disorders again.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Man Down...
I don't know what I did to suffer so much in this life. Today was almost unbearable. My heart was pounding in my chest. I had the stir crazies. I couldn't sit still. Something in the corner of my crazy mind told me to take a 3mg Risperdal. I did, and I felt 100 percent better within the hour. It seems my injection is running out a week early. This is my main anti-psychotic. The one thing that keeps me tethered to sanity. I am just glad I finally figured out what was wrong. I'm calling Dad to tell him and to see if he will bring me more Risperdal (fingers crossed).
Man Down...
I don't know what I did to suffer so much in this life. Today was almost unbearable. My heart was pounding in my chest. I had the stir crazies. I couldn't sit still. Something in the corner of my crazy mind told me to take a 3mg Risperdal. I did, and I felt 100 percent better within the hour. It seems my injection is running out a week early. This is my main anti-psychotic. The one thing that keeps me tethered to sanity. I am just glad I finally figured out what was wrong. I'm calling Dad to tell him and to see if he will bring me more Risperdal (fingers crossed).
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Knocking the Wind Out of my Sails...
Monday evening I suffered one of my worse anxiety/panic attacks yet. Mom stayed two hours holding my hand. I couldn't get my breath and felt like I couldn't breath. It was terribly scary. Well, this knocked the wind out of my sails as far as any feel better plans were concerned. I stayed in the bed all day yesterday. Today, I had four Klonopin and have taken them feeling much better and calmer. I've still spent a lot of time in the bed today. It seems I take one step forward and two steps back every so often. Sorry for the lack of updates. I just haven't felt like using the computer.
Knocking the Wind Out of my Sails...
Monday evening I suffered one of my worse anxiety/panic attacks yet. Mom stayed two hours holding my hand. I couldn't get my breath and felt like I couldn't breath. It was terribly scary. Well, this knocked the wind out of my sails as far as any feel better plans were concerned. I stayed in the bed all day yesterday. Today, I had four Klonopin and have taken them feeling much better and calmer. I've still spent a lot of time in the bed today. It seems I take one step forward and two steps back every so often. Sorry for the lack of updates. I just haven't felt like using the computer.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Was it an Omen? Or a Sign?
I was dressed in my favorite shirt and jeans this morning. I had just had a shower and was rearing to go. I was on my way to get my six Diet Cokes for the day, and then to hit all the fast food restaurants for applications. You can apply online now days, but I wanted the managers to see me first. Well, I got out to my car and turned the key. Nothing. My battery was dead. Was it an omen or sign I shouldn't be doing this?
I called mom and asked her to bring me my cokes when she went to get her hair poofed up at lunch. Well, if you want anything done and to get it done quickly, you tell my mother. She's my and dad's secretary. She called dad and within thirty minutes, there was a mechanic in the engine bay of my car getting the battery out.
"I'll be back with a new battery in thirty minutes," he told me and left.
Should I continue as planned, or should I talk to my father first? I feel dirty for doing this behind his back. I already know what he will say.
"You can't afford to lose Medicare Part D," he will say. "Your medications cost $2000 dollars a month."
Was it an Omen? Or a Sign?
I was dressed in my favorite shirt and jeans this morning. I had just had a shower and was rearing to go. I was on my way to get my six Diet Cokes for the day, and then to hit all the fast food restaurants for applications. You can apply online now days, but I wanted the managers to see me first. Well, I got out to my car and turned the key. Nothing. My battery was dead. Was it an omen or sign I shouldn't be doing this?
I called mom and asked her to bring me my cokes when she went to get her hair poofed up at lunch. Well, if you want anything done and to get it done quickly, you tell my mother. She's my and dad's secretary. She called dad and within thirty minutes, there was a mechanic in the engine bay of my car getting the battery out.
"I'll be back with a new battery in thirty minutes," he told me and left.
Should I continue as planned, or should I talk to my father first? I feel dirty for doing this behind his back. I already know what he will say.
"You can't afford to lose Medicare Part D," he will say. "Your medications cost $2000 dollars a month."
Sunday, October 18, 2009
That's How We Roll...
I got the house cleaning bug bite yesterday bad! I cleaned and cleaned until I could look in each room and feel satisfied. I'm not very domesticated so this was a major feat of mine. When I get in that mood, I just have to roll with it.
Every time I get to feeling better, I want to go out and get a job. Any job. I just want a paycheck. So I've been plotting all day various avenues that would lead me to employment. If dad knew, he would go crazy!!! I want something repetitious and easy. Mind numbingly boring.
That's How We Roll...
I got the house cleaning bug bite yesterday bad! I cleaned and cleaned until I could look in each room and feel satisfied. I'm not very domesticated so this was a major feat of mine. When I get in that mood, I just have to roll with it.
Every time I get to feeling better, I want to go out and get a job. Any job. I just want a paycheck. So I've been plotting all day various avenues that would lead me to employment. If dad knew, he would go crazy!!! I want something repetitious and easy. Mind numbingly boring.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Helen's Supper...
Helen cooked fried center cut pork chops, sweet potato patties, yellow squash, steamed cabbage, and corn bread. I am so full I feel like I'm about to pop! Not pictured is a bowl of cole slaw and some fruit salad.
Helen's Supper...
Helen cooked fried center cut pork chops, sweet potato patties, yellow squash, steamed cabbage, and corn bread. I am so full I feel like I'm about to pop! Not pictured is a bowl of cole slaw and some fruit salad.
Zombieland...
Yesterday was my injection. Well, it made me so sleepy and drowsy that I slept for almost 24 hours straight. I woke up feeling like I had a hangover I slept so hard. One nice thing about my injection is that an hour afterwards I get this sensation of euphoria. It is like a two hour orgasm. It is one of the most pleasurable things I experience these days. The alcoholic in me loves to feel extra-ordinary.
Maggie got into something dead last night and stunk to high heaven. Well, she sleeps with me, and I certainly didn't want a dog that smelled like decomposing flesh to get in the bed. It took me giving her two baths in all to get the stench out of her hair. What is it about dogs and stinky stuff?
Zombieland...
Yesterday was my injection. Well, it made me so sleepy and drowsy that I slept for almost 24 hours straight. I woke up feeling like I had a hangover I slept so hard. One nice thing about my injection is that an hour afterwards I get this sensation of euphoria. It is like a two hour orgasm. It is one of the most pleasurable things I experience these days. The alcoholic in me loves to feel extra-ordinary.
Maggie got into something dead last night and stunk to high heaven. Well, she sleeps with me, and I certainly didn't want a dog that smelled like decomposing flesh to get in the bed. It took me giving her two baths in all to get the stench out of her hair. What is it about dogs and stinky stuff?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The Truth is More Preposterous than Fiction...
I was sitting here at my computer a moment ago when I see this guy in a wheel chair missing both his legs come rolling down the street. It was drizzling and he looked miserable. Well? He wheeled through my front yard and knocked on my door. How he got up the steps, I will never know. Maggie went ape-shit bananas - barking like I rarely ever hear her bark. She's a good judge of character so I didn't answer the door. It was like something out of the twilight zone. I didn't want to be the victim in the case of the legless killer.
The Truth is More Preposterous than Fiction...
I was sitting here at my computer a moment ago when I see this guy in a wheel chair missing both his legs come rolling down the street. It was drizzling and he looked miserable. Well? He wheeled through my front yard and knocked on my door. How he got up the steps, I will never know. Maggie went ape-shit bananas - barking like I rarely ever hear her bark. She's a good judge of character so I didn't answer the door. It was like something out of the twilight zone. I didn't want to be the victim in the case of the legless killer.
Year of thine sobriety day 701...
George came and drank his beers this morning after the nightshift.
"I was about to pour them out!" I told him tersely. "They were driving me crazy."
"Do you think you will ever be able to drink a beer again?" George then asked. "I miss you having a beer with me."
My only reply was that I am an all or nothing fellow. I will drink zero or I will drink twenty. My world has always been black or white.
Even Tylenol is rationed in my corner of the woods. I had a slight headache this morning. I had to call mom to put two Tylenol in a ziplock bag and to leave them on the back porch so she could go back to sleep. Dad's in Atlanta today and I was tempted to drive down to his pharmacy and just get a bottle. Caleb, his fill-in pharmacist, wouldn't mind, but it would never fly in dad's world. He's afraid I will take too many of them and ruin my liver.
Year of thine sobriety day 701...
George came and drank his beers this morning after the nightshift.
"I was about to pour them out!" I told him tersely. "They were driving me crazy."
"Do you think you will ever be able to drink a beer again?" George then asked. "I miss you having a beer with me."
My only reply was that I am an all or nothing fellow. I will drink zero or I will drink twenty. My world has always been black or white.
Even Tylenol is rationed in my corner of the woods. I had a slight headache this morning. I had to call mom to put two Tylenol in a ziplock bag and to leave them on the back porch so she could go back to sleep. Dad's in Atlanta today and I was tempted to drive down to his pharmacy and just get a bottle. Caleb, his fill-in pharmacist, wouldn't mind, but it would never fly in dad's world. He's afraid I will take too many of them and ruin my liver.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Last Temptation of Andrew...
George left a six pack of beer in my fridge this morning. I kept expecting him to come back and get it, and it was of my highest hopes he would. Well, those damned beers are just about to drive me crazy! And this is my 700th day of sobriety. Wouldn't that be just my luck? Dad aptly said yesterday that if there was a small pile of dogshit in a huge coliseum, I'd find some way to step in it!
The Last Temptation of Andrew...
George left a six pack of beer in my fridge this morning. I kept expecting him to come back and get it, and it was of my highest hopes he would. Well, those damned beers are just about to drive me crazy! And this is my 700th day of sobriety. Wouldn't that be just my luck? Dad aptly said yesterday that if there was a small pile of dogshit in a huge coliseum, I'd find some way to step in it!
What's in a Name?
I asked George this morning why his mother didn't name him a more traditional African American name.
"Why didn't she name you something like Cornelius or Orenthal?" I asked laughing. "You're named after a country music singer for Christ's sake!"
George burst out laughing in between sips of beer.
"You just don't know how much hell I catch from other brothas about being named George Jones!" he replied chuckling.
We both laughed and laughed. At least, George has a sense of humor about it all! I love that dear man.
What's in a Name?
I asked George this morning why his mother didn't name him a more traditional African American name.
"Why didn't she name you something like Cornelius or Orenthal?" I asked laughing. "You're named after a country music singer for Christ's sake!"
George burst out laughing in between sips of beer.
"You just don't know how much hell I catch from other brothas about being named George Jones!" he replied chuckling.
We both laughed and laughed. At least, George has a sense of humor about it all! I love that dear man.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Grits That Rivaled My Father's...
I managed to eat breakfast with Mrs. Florene and George before the rain started. Mrs. Florene was cooking, George was watching the morning news in the den, and I was sitting at the kitchen table.
"He didn't come home at all last night," Mrs. Jones said of George as she fried some bacon.
"He was at the shot house playing poker," I replied.
Mrs. Jones grumbled and mumbled something under her breath that I couldn't hear.
Soon, we sat down for breakfast. My favorite thing was the grits. They were so buttery and creamy. It takes a real knack for Southern food to cook good grits. Most people's grits are runny and watery. Like what you would get at the Waffle House.
Mrs. Jones fixed an extra paper plate of food for Maggie which I appreciated and which Maggie devoured when I got home. I've given up on just feeding her Purina One. She won't eat it and will just starve. She is so stubborn.
Helen came by the house before work. She was running extra late and was in a hurry.
"Your daddy's gonna jump all over me when your mother tells him what time I got there today," she told me. "Here's some fresh Tuna fish salad. My husband won't eat it."
What a nice thing! I love tuna fish sandwiches and Helen makes the best Tuna salad. My day was set with lots of good food, good drinks, ample cigarettes, and a torrential rain falling out my windows. It is going to be a good day. I can just feel it.
Grits That Rivaled My Father's...
I managed to eat breakfast with Mrs. Florene and George before the rain started. Mrs. Florene was cooking, George was watching the morning news in the den, and I was sitting at the kitchen table.
"He didn't come home at all last night," Mrs. Jones said of George as she fried some bacon.
"He was at the shot house playing poker," I replied.
Mrs. Jones grumbled and mumbled something under her breath that I couldn't hear.
Soon, we sat down for breakfast. My favorite thing was the grits. They were so buttery and creamy. It takes a real knack for Southern food to cook good grits. Most people's grits are runny and watery. Like what you would get at the Waffle House.
Mrs. Jones fixed an extra paper plate of food for Maggie which I appreciated and which Maggie devoured when I got home. I've given up on just feeding her Purina One. She won't eat it and will just starve. She is so stubborn.
Helen came by the house before work. She was running extra late and was in a hurry.
"Your daddy's gonna jump all over me when your mother tells him what time I got there today," she told me. "Here's some fresh Tuna fish salad. My husband won't eat it."
What a nice thing! I love tuna fish sandwiches and Helen makes the best Tuna salad. My day was set with lots of good food, good drinks, ample cigarettes, and a torrential rain falling out my windows. It is going to be a good day. I can just feel it.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Fall Color and Spring?
The dogwoods are always the first to show color in the South.
The dwarf Japanese maple in Joyce's yard. I miss Joyce.
Fall Color and Spring?
The dogwoods are always the first to show color in the South.
The dwarf Japanese maple in Joyce's yard. I miss Joyce.
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