The convenience store down the street from my house fascinates me. Now that I have money, I find myself visiting it a lot these days. I walked down with my sunset brews in my backpack growing tepid and bought my favorite cheese on wheat crackers and a candy bar. I noticed today how so many things sold in a convenience store are addictive or easily abused. Junk food. Caffeine laden sodas and energy drinks. A myriad of forms of alcohol. Cigarettes and cigars. Smokeless tobacco. Countless condoms for the sex addict. America is also addicted to oil and thousands of gallons of gasoline are sold at this store everyday – cars are always lined up waiting for a free gas pump.
I didn’t see my “friend” – the teenaged black girl with a smoking habit. I missed her in a strange way. I like familiarity and routines. I was hoping she would once again jab me with language for a cigarette. As I walked down to the store, I thought of witty comebacks I could thwart her attempts with. My favorite was, “It’s going to stunt your growth!” She is already petite and tiny. I knew it would piss her off. Like I said yesterday, payback is hell. She has been so rude to me!
I find myself having to stay busy to keep the anxiety and mental problems at bay. If I sit too long or are too idle, I start to worry and feel out of sorts. It is as if I am over thinking things and willing my mental problems to happen. I’ve sat in this house for years miserable thinking these very same things. It has been so nice to live without extreme anxiety these past three days. Maybe it’s the medications in the morning or maybe it’s me staying busy. Who knows? It works and I am sticking with it.
The black boys weren’t in the park playing basketball tonight. I missed their playful banter. I didn’t stay in the park long finding Sunday’s offering of talk radio to be mediocre at best. I drank my two sunset brews and walked the thirty minutes home.
I’m probably writing to much on the blog and overwhelming my readers I thought tonight. Who wants to read all this gibberish? I just love writing about my days finding it so cathartic. It is such an effective means of therapy for me so I hope you don’t mind.