Strange dreams kept plaguing me last night. I dreamt of Neil Young’s song Old Man over and over – trying to sing it and remember the words in my sleep. I also dreamt I was still married and Rachel and I were fighting. Some things never change.
7:30am found me at dad’s sitting in the den. I watched as he handed me my handful of medications. He yawned sleepily as he asked me how my night was.
“I had my first passionate kiss in years last night and it was wonderful,” I replied.
“Who?” dad asked shockingly surprised.
“A woman I’ve met at work.”
Dad didn’t know what to say. He looked kind of confused. For years, I wasn’t dateable and suddenly I am. I don’t think dad knows how to handle it. For years, I have been like a child to him and I don’t think he believes I will make good decisions about this.
“Just don’t get her pregnant,” was all he could say. “The last thing you need is children. Your life would really be in more of a mess than it already is.”
A Day Off…
Sunday’s have traditionally become my day off from work. I don’t quite know what to do with myself today. I have decided not to do any yard care business work as well. I am just going to rest and play the new video game I bought the other day. I also want to explore the features of my new phone some as well. It is going to be strange not being busy all day passing the time. I hope Kim calls. I am so excited about hearing from her again. She has to work a full day today and I don’t envy her of that eight hours.
A Letter to George I Wrote this Morning…
I am so worried about work. Would you have thought I could have gone back to work before you went to jail? I am scared, though. Scared of failure. I have so much riding on this and I want to prove my father wrong. He thinks I will soon end up a drunk again like I have in the past. He has no confidence in me whatsoever and still treats me like a sick mentally ill adolescent child. It angers me the way he treats my mother and I. We are marginalized individuals in the family – without the basic rights him and my brother and sister hold. He talks so happily to my brother and sister on the phone and acts surly when I call. It hurts my feelings deeply. I feel like I don’t matter. He would never tell my brother or sister how to live their lives. They wouldn’t stand for it. They can do no wrong in his eyes.
I am still having those strange anxiety attacks. It’s as if my body goes into overload and shuts down. I feel flushed and I can distinctly feel them coming on. My arms and hands will go numb as I feel heat in my face. It is about one of my biggest fears about work – having a serious one that will incapacitate me. I can’t just go sit in my car for 30 minutes to an hour until I get to feeling better. I have to just work through them despite the EXTREME discomfort they cause me. I am taking four Klonopin (similar to valium and xanax) a day and I am still having them. I think it is all the medications I am on. I’ve had these anxiety attacks for years now and didn’t have them when I was just on Risperdal. That was back when you and I were hanging out down at the Piggly Wiggly everyday. These attacks started when my father and doctor added countless other medications for me to take on daily basis. I have no choice in what medications I can take. Dad still forces them upon me – watching me for ten minutes every morning to make sure I keep them down.
I’ve got you several magazines on the way. You should get them in the next week or so. I hope you enjoy them. I got you a subscription to Model Railroader as well and I hope you enjoy the photography. I know you don’t hold the same interest in trains as I, but maybe being in jail with all that time on your hands will make you grow to like them. Model Railroading is truly an art form and a craft.
I had my first French kiss last night in years and it was wonderful. Kim and I were sitting in my car and it just happened just like that. Things got really heated for a moment there. Hands started to wander as we began to make out. It was the first time I’ve touched a breast in almost three years. You would like her. She’s very open minded and eclectic. She also has a great sense of humor. We laugh A LOT! She says I have the easiest job at Wal-Mart and she is probably right. Work has been very slow lately. I spend much of my time wandering the store aimlessly with nothing to do.
Well, I hope you are home soon. Your mother said she is sending you more money for the commissary when I talked to her the other night. Don’t get too tired of eating salmon and tuna. I personally enjoy tuna on crackers. Take care of yourself and I will write again tomorrow.
Your sincerest friend,