18 July 2010

Broken Sleep and a Day Off…

Strange dreams kept plaguing me last night.  I dreamt of Neil Young’s song Old Man over and over – trying to sing it and remember the words in my sleep.  I also dreamt I was still married and Rachel and I were fighting.  Some things never change.

7:30am found me at dad’s sitting in the den.  I watched as he handed me my handful of medications.  He yawned sleepily as he asked me how my night was.

“I had my first passionate kiss in years last night and it was wonderful,” I replied.

“Who?” dad asked shockingly surprised.

“A woman I’ve met at work.”

Dad didn’t know what to say.  He looked kind of confused.  For years, I wasn’t dateable and suddenly I am.  I don’t think dad knows how to handle it.  For years, I have been like a child to him and I don’t think he believes I will make good decisions about this.

“Just don’t get her pregnant,” was all he could say. “The last thing you need is children.  Your life would really be in more of a mess than it already is.”

A Day Off…

Sunday’s have traditionally become my day off from work.  I don’t quite know what to do with myself today.  I have decided not to do any yard care business work as well.  I am just going to rest and play the new video game I bought the other day.  I also want to explore the features of my new phone some as well.  It is going to be strange not being busy all day passing the time.  I hope Kim calls.  I am so excited about hearing from her again.  She has to work a full day today and I don’t envy her of that eight hours.

A Letter to George I Wrote this Morning…

Dear George,

I am so worried about work.  Would you have thought I could have gone back to work before you went to jail? I am scared, though.  Scared of failure.  I have so much riding on this and I want to prove my father wrong.  He thinks I will soon end up a drunk again like I have in the past.  He has no confidence in me whatsoever and still treats me like a sick mentally ill adolescent child. It angers me the way he treats my mother and I.  We are marginalized individuals in the family – without the basic rights him and my brother and sister hold.  He talks so happily to my brother and sister on the phone and acts surly when I call.  It hurts my feelings deeply.  I feel like I don’t matter.  He would never tell my brother or sister how to live their lives.  They wouldn’t stand for it.  They can do no wrong in his eyes.  

I am still having those strange anxiety attacks.  It’s as if my body goes into overload and shuts down.  I feel flushed and I can distinctly feel them coming on.  My arms and hands will go numb as I feel heat in my face.  It is about one of my biggest fears about work – having a serious one that will incapacitate me.  I can’t just go sit in my car for 30 minutes to an hour until I get to feeling better.  I have to just work through them despite the EXTREME discomfort they cause me.  I am taking four Klonopin (similar to valium and xanax) a day and I am still having them.  I think it is all the medications I am on.  I’ve had these anxiety attacks for years now and didn’t have them when I was just on Risperdal.  That was back when you and I were hanging out down at the Piggly Wiggly everyday.  These attacks started when my father and doctor added countless other medications for me to take on daily basis.  I have no choice in what medications I can take.  Dad still forces them upon me – watching me for ten minutes every morning to make sure I keep them down.   

I’ve got you several magazines on the way.  You should get them in the next week or so.  I hope you enjoy them.  I got you a subscription to Model Railroader as well and I hope you enjoy the photography.  I know you don’t hold the same interest in trains as I, but maybe being in jail with all that time on your hands will make you grow to like them.  Model Railroading is truly an art form and a craft. 

I had my first French kiss last night in years and it was wonderful.  Kim and I were sitting in my car and it just happened just like that.  Things got really heated for a moment there.  Hands started to wander as we began to make out.  It was the first time I’ve touched a breast in almost three years.   You would like her.  She’s very open minded and eclectic.  She also has a great sense of humor.  We laugh A LOT!  She says I have the easiest job at Wal-Mart and she is probably right.  Work has been very slow lately.  I spend much of my time wandering the store aimlessly with nothing to do. 

Well, I hope you are home soon.  Your mother said she is sending you more money for the commissary when I talked to her the other night.   Don’t get too tired of eating salmon and tuna.  I personally enjoy tuna on crackers.  Take care of yourself and I will write again tomorrow.

Your sincerest friend,

Andrew

10 comments:

Tee said...

Andrew, why don't you write a letter to your dad. That first paragraph of your letter to George would be a good place to start. Mail it to him, don't present it to him in person. That way he would read it and then the two of you wouldn't get into it verbally fuss. Hopefully, it will give him something to think about. Tell him your dreams, goals and yes your fears and hurts. He might not have a clue how you really feel.

However, I do agree with your dad's comment.

We all need a day of rest, just to relax. If you want to talk to Kim, you call her, don't wait for her to call you.

As far as having to just work through those anxiety attacks, we all have things we have had to work through while on the job, hurts, fears, anger, exhaustion, physical illnesses and it isn't easy, but we do it because we wanted to stay employed. You CAN work through those anxiety attacks, it won't be easy. It's like having a horrible headache, you know it will pass, so press on, my friend. Just think about your goals and dreams when the attack comes, focus on that and not on the anxiety. We are all cheering you on, so stay on track.

JTS said...

Your dad is just a wealth of positive influence and encouragement isn't he? It bothers me terribly how much he puts you down. I'm sure all these changes in you are terribly upsetting to him and as a parent I can understand why he worries about you, but the least he could do is cheer for all the things going right in your life right now and maybe at least try to give you credit for having the brains and maturity to handly a relationship with Kim wisely. If nothing else, he presents endless opportunities for you to prove him wrong, and each time you reach another personal victory the rest of us are cheering for you. I bet George is reading on in amazement! And even if there is a step backwards along the path to independence (and there will be, we are human and things don't always go as planned), I believe you will keep working toward your goal of being in charge of your own life and handling that freedom wisely.

Syd said...

A day off sounds great. Sounds like you are experiencing a lot of good things lately. Maybe a lot more good things than your dad is.

glittermom said...

Your dad is what he is...nothings going to change that...The less you say to him is probably for the best...It seems very hard for him to say something positive to you about you...At least your mother isnt that way...She understands you the most..and we know she loves you..

This IS The Fun Part! said...

You, dear, are almost as short on patience as I am. If I don't see instant results, I feel disappointed!

Dad has experienced what he sees as problems with you for quite a while. It will take more than a few weeks of great performance to show him just how well you can do.

Also, with the anxiety - you need to give yourself a chance. You have just started this new life! Every system in your body is adjusting to the new schedule, the new lifestyle and the new attitude. We also have to see what the new doctor has to say. The upcoming appointment may be a major piece of the puzzle.

If things are as you suspect, there will be a change in your medication routine coming up, too! That might take care of the anxiety problem. Wait and see what the new doctor says and does. It's only a few days away!

You have carefully educated yourself on mental illnesses. You can discuss what is going on with this doctor without the fear of having your dad in the middle of it. This, dear, is something you've been striving for!

Hang in there - - just a few more days!

We have faith in you!
Grannie

glittermom said...

Whens your new Dr. appt? anxious to see what she thinks would be your best way to go...You definetely need something changed..You shouldnt have to suffer anxiety bouts all the time..

justLacey said...

Some wise advice from Grannie. Change always brings on anxiety. I have had a little myself lately. Even change you are looking forward to. I guess it's a kind of fear of the unknown. Part of what quells it for me is the fact that I know what is causing it. Sometimes that is easier to see after the fact. I think a new dr might be a good thing. You need someone you can talk with in person. I suggest you try and find someone you feel some sort of rapport with. A good shrink is awesome a bad one is worse than what is already ailing you. Have a nice quiet wonderful Sunday!

Marsha said...

You know, you'll have to get a list of medications to take with you to your new appointment. Your new doctor can not even begin to help you if she doesn't know what you're taking.

If your father won't give you a list, I'd take a picture of the pills, up close, and take them to another pharmacy to have them identified. Either that or write down the numbers/names printed on the pills...some cameras can't take closeups that great.

You could always go the pharmacy when he's not there and tell them you're going to the doctor and need a printed list of meds. The workers cant possibly know you don't know what you're taking.

Good luck with the appointment. Don't forget, your father can't force you to take anything. I'm not saying don't take them, I'm just pointing out something you might have already thought about. You have the right to say NO.

One thing that worries me is your thinking you're not sick at all. You always hear that people with schziophrenia get to feeling "normal" and stop taking their meds because they think they are not sick, only to relapse.

Good luck to you.

Lena said...

Your dad has no filter for his thoughts. He is scared.

Annabel said...

Since your supervisor is aware that you have a disability, you should discuss with her what recourse you have if you do have an uncontrollable anxiety attack. Find out what she would want you to do - clock out and go home until it subsides - sit in your car - whatever. I would keep the communication open so she is not taken by surprise and knows what she should do to help you out. Just like someone that has seizures - employers should be aware of the potential and should have a plan in action it if occurs.