04 July 2010

So Scared of Employment, But Excited as Well…

Tomorrow is the big grand day.  I start work bright and early in the morning at eight.  I am so very, very nervous, but I am not feeling that terrible anxiety today as I normally would on such an occasion. I am actually feeling very, very good today mentally and it is so nice for a change.  Mental Illnesses are so funny as in weird.  You never know what each day may bring.  Maybe that is a good sign – a good omen. Maybe I will go to work tomorrow and stun and dazzle them with my ability to do a good job without agonizing and debilitating anxiety attacks and crazy mental shit. I don’t want to embarrass myself on the first day of work with my mental illnesses. My biggest fear is having a big enough anxiety attack where I have to leave work and go sit in the quiet of my air conditioned car for an hour until it passes. How could I ever explain that to my supervisor?

The little details are going to be the hardest for me.  Not drinking at night.  Working in the mornings and dad coming at night is going to extremely curtail my drinking for those of you worried about it. It will leave me with little opportunity to imbibe in old John Barleycorn as my schedule will not allow it. Eating a good and nourishing breakfast every morning so I have the energy to work.  Getting into the regular schedule of working.  Being steady and reliable.  Taking a shower every morning despite being in a hurry and keeping nice clothes at the ready. Setting my alarm clock so as not to be late.  Sleeping at night so I am well rested for work instead of staying up listening to my favorite radio show.  Remembering to bring lots of bottled water as the heat will be oppressive. It is going to take planning and that is not my forte. These are all things they would be teaching me in vocational rehabilitation over several months and I am bypassing that. I am jumping directly into the fray.  These are things I am going to have to relearn after not working for so long.  I am going to have to relearn a work ethic as well. Eight years is a long time to have a completely open schedule with which what to do with your day is up in the air.  I am tired of that, though.  I’ve wandered through life enough these days. I want schedules and routines – something for which to get out of the bed in the morning. I’ve seen enough of the Internet, blogs and TV to last a lifetime over the past eight years.   

They showed me yesterday what I will be doing.  It was as I had expected. I won’t have to deal with customers  which will be a boon for my social anxieties.  I will be gathering the carts with this little battery powered contraption that pushes them. It comes replete with this bright little yellow light that blinks to warn motorists.  I will bring the carts inside through a large opening in the building and ready them for the elderly greeter to pass out to incoming customers.  The guy that currently has my job said he is going to work at McDonald’s in a few days for better pay.  We talked awhile.  He said the job can be physically taxing at times getting all the carts together for the pusher.  He said the supervisor is cool though.  He also exclaimed how hot is was in the summer out in the parking lot, but you know me and I love the heat.  “You will fry,” he said with me being so white. “Bring plenty of sunscreen for your face and neck, and wear long sleeves, pants, and a hat.”  He is going to show me the ropes tomorrow so the morning should prove easy being coached along.  I hope the four hours fly by so I can get home to write about it for which I will be very excited to tell you all about it.

I am scared – very scared.  I am going to have to hide this from my father unfortunately. He just wouldn’t understand. Luckily, I work in the mornings and I only see dad at night around ten for thirty minutes.  I hate the subterfuge and should just be honest about it, but then again, I have to be able to make choices about my own life for a change without having to ask for permission.  I so want to work and be partly self supporting. I am tired of sitting around this house all day with nothing to do.   I think it will be so crucial to my self esteem that has been so lacking for years. I really have felt like the dregs of society lately not being able to support myself and earn money.  It is demeaning my parents having to do everything for me. No 38 year old man should be in the position I am in with regards to dependency on their aging parents.

There is also so many things I want to buy as well after not having money for years. I only get nice things at Christmas.  I want to upgrade my computer.  A new DSLR camera would be nice as that is my favored hobby these days.  I would love an iPod Touch or an iPhone.  Just being able to buy extra food when I need it would be a windfall – to drive down to Sarah Jay’s eatery and eat breakfast would be a joy most mornings. There have been some weeks lately that I have run out of food and it is so demeaning to ask for more.  It will get mom and dad in such an extreme stir.  They make me feel like crap for asking and not being frugal with my food. I just get hungry sometimes.  I am a big guy and $85 dollars a week in groceries it proving not enough.    

I am going to give it my very best try tomorrow and see how I do.  I have two Klonopin to take before work for the anxiety.  This is my trial by fire after not working for eight years.  My supervisor assured me I would be able to handle the job since I walk miles every day as I told her.  She was being really supportive.  I think she could sense my apprehension and fear.  I was really nervous yesterday and about couldn’t sign all the paperwork from jittery fingers and hands. I also feel like I am doing something very terrible and wrong.  I guess I am as far as my father is concerned.  He will eventually find out for sure.  It will be World War Three no doubt.  I am a grown man, though, and should be able to make some decisions for myself and my life. Surely, you all can’t begrudge me for wanting to go back to work? Can you?  Can you at least try and see my point of view? 

10 comments:

glittermom said...

I hope you at least give it a try..It might not be so bad..That little bit of extra money will be nice..Please dont quite before you give it a chance...

Anonymous said...

Sure,we can see your of view.

just cant agree that you should have to lie and cheat the only people in the world who have given you support and love.

If you wanted to change certain things in your life, you could have done so in an upfront, honorable manner to your parents instead of lying behind their backs.

Lying, drinking....always the way to being a man of dignity, right?

justLacey said...

I am kind of excited to hear how it goes. I think the schedule part will be good for you as well as the physical. It may help quell the anxiety attacks. Make sure you take some water and keep yourself hydrated, the heat is brutal this time of year. I am off work tomorrow and will be waiting to hear how it goes. Good luck!

justLacey said...

I am wondering if anonymous might be grown up enough to find a way of expressing the same feelings without such an "edge". Do you really think someone wants to listen to advice when it's put out there so harshly? Perhaps you need a little help yourself?

Syd said...

Good luck with it.

Anonymous said...

Lacy, ever think that maybe he brings it upon himself?

I have, for the last several years, encouraged Jonathon to stand up to his father, "grow some balls" and take control of his life. I've been very blunt about it also, while the rest of you baby him.

I am actually surprised that he is finally doing that, but since there's drinking involved, we all know that he's only working to make money to drink.

I said it back when his mother was high on Xnanax and he was letting her drive w/o telling his father, i will NOT stand by and let innocent people be put at risk so he or his mother can get high, and drink and drive.

Of course he's not doing that now, but we all know how obsessive he is. He can't do ANYTHING in moderation. The drinking will increase as the money comes in, and he'll start making stupid mistakes.

Now the question is...should we sit by and let him do it?

I won't.

Jonathon, I admire you for wanting to work and get out of the house. But you're doing it all wrong. You started down this road with a lie. You took Florines money. You took advantage of Charlie's kindness. You're still a chicken. There's a right way to go about doing what you are doing. This is not it.

You're a hypocrite. You blast us anonymous commenters for speaking our mind then you go and speak out of both sides of your mouth. We might not tell you who we are, but we dont change our story time and time again to suit our needs, like you do.

One day your father is a saint, the next he's an oppressive ogre trying to ruin your life. You go on and on for years about how great it is to have all your needs met. Now here you stand today saying the total opposite. I dont think I'll ever believe what you say again.

There's other ways to get your father out of your business. When your fridge is empty, call social services. Have them come over and see that there's no food, week after week. Let them listen in on the phone call to your father, when you ask for food.

Have the social services person come with you to the doctors appt to see that your father wont let you speak in private.

Have them sit in when he comes to bring you medicine. Ask what the pills are, IN FRONT OF THEM so your father has to tell you.

Come on...you're on a slow road to nowhere. Last time your father caught you walking out the door to work at McDonalds, you caved and cried, and if memory serves, begged, like a baby.

The drinking puts a whole nother spin on it. Your father will never listen to you if and when he finds out you're drinking.

I swear Jonathon, you start writing about driving and drinking, I'm all over your shit like white on rice, you got it?!?!

Marsha

By the way, I REALLY DID call the pharmacy. No one answered.

Anonymous said...

Lacy, ever think that maybe he brings it upon himself?

I have, for the last several years, encouraged Jonathon to stand up to his father, "grow some balls" and take control of his life. I've been very blunt about it also, while the rest of you baby him.

I am actually surprised that he is finally doing that, but since there's drinking involved, we all know that he's only working to make money to drink.

I said it back when his mother was high on Xnanax and he was letting her drive w/o telling his father, i will NOT stand by and let innocent people be put at risk so he or his mother can get high, and drink and drive.

Of course he's not doing that now, but we all know how obsessive he is. He can't do ANYTHING in moderation. The drinking will increase as the money comes in, and he'll start making stupid mistakes.

Now the question is...should we sit by and let him do it?

I won't.

Jonathon, I admire you for wanting to work and get out of the house. But you're doing it all wrong. You started down this road with a lie. You took Florines money. You took advantage of Charlie's kindness. You're still a chicken. There's a right way to go about doing what you are doing. This is not it.

You're a hypocrite. You blast us anonymous commenters for speaking our mind then you go and speak out of both sides of your mouth. We might not tell you who we are, but we dont change our story time and time again to suit our needs, like you do.

One day your father is a saint, the next he's an oppressive ogre trying to ruin your life. You go on and on for years about how great it is to have all your needs met. Now here you stand today saying the total opposite. I dont think I'll ever believe what you say again.

There's other ways to get your father out of your business. When your fridge is empty, call social services. Have them come over and see that there's no food, week after week. Let them listen in on the phone call to your father, when you ask for food.

Have the social services person come with you to the doctors appt to see that your father wont let you speak in private.

Have them sit in when he comes to bring you medicine. Ask what the pills are, IN FRONT OF THEM so your father has to tell you.

Come on...you're on a slow road to nowhere. Last time your father caught you walking out the door to work at McDonalds, you caved and cried, and if memory serves, begged, like a baby.

The drinking puts a whole nother spin on it. Your father will never listen to you if and when he finds out you're drinking.

I swear Jonathon, you start writing about driving and drinking, I'm all over your shit like white on rice, you got it?!?!

Marsha

By the way, I REALLY DID call the pharmacy. No one answered.

justLacey said...

He doesn't bring your wrath upon himself and I don't really thing you are helping the matter. Perhaps his mental illness makes him see things differently at different times. Either way, I don't necessarily think you are helping the matter. If you think his father doesn't know his mother is driving on Xanax, my guess would be you are wrong. I assume he is trying to keep the family peace and maintain some kind of relationship with his parents. In his own time he will come forward and stick up for himself, until then I think he can use more direction and support and maybe less criticism. I don't agree with the drinking, but I don't really see the need for anyone to drink alcohol in moderation or otherwise. Like you that is just my opinion. I can certainly see why he might use it to calm his anxiety, but to put other options out there instead of belittling him might be a better approach is all I am saying.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Best of luck tomorrow! Be sure to let us know how it goes!

Love ya,
Grannie

Anonymous said...

Marsha,

soooo, you're at it again. Are you really so miserable and sick that you can't get your jollies any other way? You've done this to other bloggers (remember "Such a Pretty Face'? Yeah...small world. You will recall that she had your personal information and your work contact information. Guess what? I have her contact info, and if I explain that you're terrorizing someone else like you did her, she will, in all likelihood, give it to me. How would *you* like to have people in your life contacted by someone on the internet, to be told that you are so unbalanced you are actively trying to ruin someone's life? Doesn't sound too appealing, does it?

Didn't think so.