Friday, July 16, 2010

Triggering…

I find a lot of mental health focused blogs and people on Twitter to be triggering.  Anxiety will well up as I read the desperate cries of a fellow mental illness sufferer on Twitter – some of the more frantic Tweeting can be overwhelming.  I will wince in pain at the ponderings of some of the lady’s blogs I read as they write about being bipolar and various other dysfunctions.  Mental illness frankly sucks.  It destroys lives and takes away your humanity.  It effectively took away my manhood for years.  It made me this scared shell of a person. 

I still struggle everyday, but I don’t write about it much.  I want this blog to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative to quote that 1940s song.  Today, as I was mowing a lawn in my neighborhood this wave of panic overcame me.  “I can’t do this today,” my mind screamed. “I just want to crawl home and escape to the bed.”  It is during these moments that I have to face my fears and my anxiety head on.  I am not saying what works for me will work for you as each mental illness seems to be a distinctly different case as in our abilities to function in society.  I just find that I have to face my illness with the brute force of a charging rhinoceros.  “Carry on,” as the ever stalwart British would say in the military during the second world war.

I have also been cringing at the way many people on Twitter with mental illnesses obsess over their medications.  Lately, I am becoming less pro medication.  I shy away from taking pills, but I am forced by my family to do so.  It is inherently in my psychiatrist’s best interest that I take these pills.  Without pills there would be no modern psychiatry.  If we could only solve all our problems through therapy then the world be a better psychiatric place.  I have found this past two weeks for my job and my social interactions to be the best therapy I have received in years – working wonders for my perceived illnesses.  I am building lasting bonds and relationships.  I am forming a foundation for a resume and gaining working skills lost over eight years of idleness and unemployment. I am also getting out in the world and experiencing life for a change – not constantly sitting at home dwelling on my mind and it’s ailments.

Next week, I could be a quivering mess of man.  Unable to work or function in society again.  That’s the nature of true mental illness if I actually have them.  I am under the extremely strong suspicions that all the medications I am taking are the problem and not the solution, though.  What kind of doctor would be fine with a patient that is sexually dysfunctional when sex should be a healthy and normal part of life?  Procreation should be a basic human right. All animals do it except me.  I can’t.  I can’t look at Kim and think, “Boy, I sure would like to jump her bones and get her in bed.”  I am ambivalent on the subject.  It holds about as much interest to me as baseball does.    

You know what scares me the most? My father. For years, he has gone about his life un-impinged as two of his closest family members suffered in quiet acquiescence.   Medications are forced upon us to keep us sleepy, quiet, and complacent.  “I can’t deal with you un-medicated,” he will tell my mother and I in moments of anger.  It wasn’t fair that he got to live his full life while my mother and I sat at home with nothing to do.  No real friends.  Little ambition to get out of the bed.  We couldn’t even take even the most basic satisfaction out of life for being so heavily medicated for decades.

Well, enough of  my ranting.  I just felt the need to vent and blogging is therapy for me.  I hope I didn’t embarrass myself too terribly by writing this.

11 comments:

C.A. said...

No, wasn't fair that your Father "dealt" with you both by medicating you. :(

It does my heart good to hear of your new life....keep fighting the good fight.

Keep calm and carry on....


Hugs,

C.A.

justLacey said...

Sometimes people do the wrong things when they don't really know what to do. Sometimes you have to choose one thing over the other as well. For instance, I don't think drs want you to be sexually dysfunctional, but a choice of that or some sort of madness may be the lesser of two evils. Truly we don't and won't know what your diagnosis really is if you don't find a new dr and at least attempt to see what is going on inside. Your strides have been great in these last few weeks. I think this is one you can manage in the near future. Perhaps just one or 2 meds and little or no alcohol is possible. You need some sort of advice on what is and isn't working and how to wean off of them though. I find it sad that you are so afraid of your father. That alone gives him more power than he actually has. There is no need to fear him anymore and you may even be able to help your mom. I don't think your dad means for you to fear him, I just think he is what he is and is doing what he can with what he has been given. You are a compassionate man and without the fear you can have a real father son relationship with your dad.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

I don't fully understand the subject matter - but I'll pose a question. Is it possible that when the heavy medications were first started, you really did need them? Could something have changed since then that would make all these pills not required?

I really do wonder if conditions change and the medications should change right along with those conditions.

Do you know the answer to this? Send me an email or tweet - I'm really curious about this!

Love ya,
Grannie

Sharyna said...

If, as you think, the shrink is in cohoots with Dad then it's obvious why the shrink didn't care if you had a sex life or not. Dad doesn't care if you have a sex life! Just imagine *if* you and Kim got serious and, say, Kim gets PREGNANT! Dad would have a cow!! lol Andrew, you're doing good! I, for one, am soooo proud of you!

pattycakes said...

wow i love the fact that you are facing your anxieties face on and wont back down . good for you . at least try and see thru your new doctor if u really need all the meds you take , who knows maybe your body has changed and yu might not need as many . hope all goes well for you , your doing great keep it up , and keep putting your true feelings online no matter what they are , they help us and they help you , how could that be wrong :)

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Tee said...

You are doing so much better. Does you dad recognize the improvement in you and your life in general? He must be choosing to ignore it. It's great that you have drawn a line in the sand (so to speak) and decided to get out of those four walls and have a life. Go for it! Can you translate that last comment, please. LOL

forsythia said...

Keep on "carrying on." You're on to something good.

Golden To Silver Val said...

You've finally put into words some things I've wondered about since I first started reading you, several years ago. I honestly and truly do think you need another professional opinion. Start at square one again and try and remember what happened that caused you to be prescribed all those mind-numbing drugs in the first place. Find another psychiatrist and get another opinion unless you think the one you have now will go along with lowering or eliminating your dosages. The change in you is almost miraculous, Andrew. I'm so happy that you're happy but please remember that alcohol has the ability to take that all from you. MODERATION is the key in all things. God Bless and good luck to you. I don't comment often, but read religiously. I just had to tell you how proud I am of you for taking charge of your own life and showing that you CAN do it. You know, maybe with your guidance and help, you can eventually help your mom eliminate some of those drugs so she, too, can experience some freedom....only if she's able, of course. What does Charlie think? Has your dad seen how well you're doing? I could not BELIEVE he was giving you your only meds at night when you really needed them during the day. Oh well....you figured that one out. Big hugs.....and "Carry On". LOL

Beth said...

I'm all for your getting a new psych doc and re-evaluation. Perhaps you don't need all the meds. But if you stop taking them without medical supervision, you will be in such a world of hurt and pain -- you cannot imagine.

As far as your dad getting "to live his full life," you have GOT to be kidding. Your dad stayed with your mom through her illness. He has not abandoned you through yours. Believe me when I tell you that having someone with either an addiction or a mental illness -- and ESPECIALLY a child -- affects your life dramatically. What would he really have been able to accomplish -- what depth of true joy would he have been able to know -- if he had had a 'normal' spouse or a 'normal' child? Your illnesses have changed HIS whole life, too, and to completely ignore that is selfish and dismissive.

Sharon said...

You don't have to ever apologize to us for venting and speaking your truth. That's what blogs are for. Continue saying what's in your heart for as long as you choose to.