Dad to the Rescue…

Last night, I was getting ready for work when my father stopped by to my great relief.  It was as if the cavalry had arrived.  I had another hard and struggle filled day – a day where I couldn’t just get comfortable not able to sit or stand up.  It was maddening.  He had been to Waverly to check on my 93 year old great aunt who still lives alone in her little house.  He had also called my new doctor out of concern and explained my current symptoms.  They both agreed the Klonopin was no longer working. That I needed something stronger.

“Here’s some Percogesic and some Xanax,” my father told me after having left his pharmacy to come over handing me a handful of pills. “Take two Percogesic now and three Xanax later. You will get to feeling better. They will both slow you down and allow you to relax giving you some peace.”

We ran and got dad and I gasoline for our cars which I badly needed neglecting such matters the past few days.  I needed my father last night very much and he couldn’t have arrived sooner. I know I have sometimes disparaged my father in the past, but he does love me and cares for me deeply.  I felt I had come to an impasse and was too afraid to call my doctor for help – my phone phobias getting the better of me.  I hugged dad deeply telling him thank you as I snuggled my head against his arm.  He rubbed my hair and hugged me tightly telling me he loved me.

“Get some drinks,” dad said as we stood in the store. “I know you love caffeine. It will perk you up!”

I smiled and got two 1-liter Coca-Colas – dad smiling at my obsessive compulsiveness with my drinks.

“You have it tough, son,” he said. “I worry about you. That quitting smoking was just too much on you. You have a fickle brain chemistry.”

“I am going to Lexington this weekend for the Auburn game,” my father then told me as we filled our cars with gasoline. “I am having Charlie stop by every night to bring you something to eat and to check on you.  He will bring you two Percogesic per night – the anti-histamines helping to calm the abrupt effect your Risperdal has on your brain. It will calm your mind and give you some peace.”

All I needed was some TLC – some help.  It is hard to explain my mental illness – the way my body and brain malfunctions.  It is truly one of the scariest things I have ever experienced in my life – this great malaise I encounter that can completely stop me in my tracks.  I can do so well for months and then this great period of malfunction will hit me.  It is as if my body and brain goes haywire. 

I have taken a lot of solace in the news and CNN lately. It is all so bad, the news, and I realize I don’t have it that badly. I could be in far, much worse shape, or even worse, dead. I relish in life every day and that I am living and getting to experience the little things.  Yesterday, I relished my bed and the warm, comforting covers. So soft. Sleep is my great escape. Maggie and Caramel lay next to me my constant companions. They had both gotten very cold as I had all the windows and doors open to the house as I slept and it was a very, very cool day. I remember curling up with the dogs in my arms as they drew close to me and pulling the covers around them.  It was truly a cherished moment wrapping them up in the covers and going back to sleep.  Despite my malaise, I couldn’t have been happier or more content at that moment. 

Work has thankfully been slow tonight. I took my three Xanax early and have felt this complete and total calm – able to go about my job with an alacrity that has surprised even me.  I’ve stocked all night putting up cases of items and helped a handful of customers. I am determined to keep working to afford me my current level of independence.  This malaise will hopefully pass and I will be back to my former level of functioning.  It is just going to take some time – something I have in abundance these days.  It is the great waiting game.