George has been busy this week. The circus is in town and he wanted me to go tonight. He also used his paycheck to get a cellphone and has been calling me constantly. “What now?” I will ask. “I just wanted to see what you were doing,” George will reply. I will chuckle some and hang up the phone after telling him nothing much has changed since the last call.
Earlier in the week. Monday, I think. George and I were sitting in my car eating a burger and fries. My hands were shaking so furiously and violently that I could barely eat.
“That’s not normal!” George told me, biting into his Big Mac. “You need a cigarette to calm your nerves.”
Traditionally, George has always smoked cigars, but has been smoking cigarettes ever since he got out of prison.
“Oh, I don’t think I could go through the withdrawal of quitting a second time,” I told him as I spilt more fries on the floor of my Civic.
“Just smoke one and see how you feel,” George said, very coyly.
I smoked a cigarette and my hands instantly quit shaking. I felt calm and collected again. I was still going through withdrawal after having smoked for 24 plus years very heavily.
Well, I felt terrible as I went out and bought a carton and started smoking again. It set forth into motion this deep depression of the likes I haven’t experienced in years. I didn’t want to write my blog. Going to work was a chore. All I wanted to do was sleep. That is easing up some now. I wanted to kick George in the ass for coercing me back into smoking, though. He meant well, but it sent me into a tailspin. Cigarettes are so god-awful expensive these days.
Cock of the Walk…
Dad stopped by tonight after we haven’t spoken in about a week. Dad is finally coming round to my new way of life. I told him there have been some bumps in the road regarding me and he said that was to be expected. I love my father dearly and want his approval. We just rode around in his car tonight buying and drinking sodas. Dad let me smoke in his new CR-V which surprised me. “Ah, have you a a few smokes,” he told me very casually. “My daddy would love to be alive to have him a few cigarettes with his father.”
Dad was bitching about mom. I always seem to get caught in the middle. Dad was taking mom down to the “Cock of the Walk” restaurant to eat tonight.
“You want to go?” he asked me very excitedly like he wanted a man along to talk football with.
“I better stay at home,” was my shy and forlorn reply.
“I love you, son,” dad said, putting his hand on my knee. “I really do and I am so proud of you. You’ve really surprised me.”
I also told dad how my psychiatrist had bumped me up from 2mg to 4mg of Risperdal fearing I am showing signs of schizophrenia – the paranoia and other symptoms I have been having lately.
“Are you taking it?” he asked very warily.
“Yes,” I said. “But it makes me so sleepy!”
“You need something to calm your mind down,” he told me. “You have always had a busy, overactive mind.”
This fact about my medication regimen also deeply depressed me and disturbed me. I don’t want to be mentally ill. I want to be just like you. Normal. I don’t want to always have to be dependent upon these myriad of substances just to function and go about my daily life.
Dad took me home then came inside to feed Maggie and Caramel. This thrilled Maggie and Caramel to death. I do her water and dad will put a cup of fresh kibbles out for her to eat. He remarked on how nice and clean my house was which made me proud. I have worked this week to keep it clean despite all that I have been going through depression-wise.
15 comments:
You'd have to define 'normal'!! I don't think there's too many of us who are 'normal' and what is normal anyway? I always thought I was normal but now I'm not so sure...
From what I can see, you've been doing really, really great. A few rough days are OK ... they will pass.
We all have rough days, trust me!!! Glad you are doing okay otherwise.
I am glad you were able to hold it together even with your symtoms, going to work, keeping your house clean, If you have to take medications to remain normal then so be it..Just think what it would be like if there were no drugs to control these bouts you are going through..
I've never smoked, so I can only guess how hard it is to stop. I can only compare it to dieting. You go along doing very well, then you fall off the wagon, so to speak. So, you just have to get back on the diet and start over the next day. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just try to stop again. I can't believe your dad allowed you to smoke in his new car. LOL!
Hang in there, you are doing better than you realize. It's good that you talked with your doctor and she has adjusted your meds. It doesn't mean you will stay on the increased dose forever. When this rough spot passes hopefully she can reduce the dose once again. You managed to work and keep your house clean, that within itself is a huge accomplishment!
What is normal? I think many of us think that everyone else has it together more than we do. It is the know-it-alls, the judges and gossips of others that we think are normal. (But not me, I cannot stand them!) If I can tell you what is wrong with you and him and her, does it mean I have it together? No, it means that I am narcissistic and think I am perfect.
Normal is as normal does.
I can't tell you how concerned I have been for you this week. I think you have worked hard to be better. We all want to be perfect, don't we? If you think about it as the fact that you are still in a much better place than you were a year ago, you can congratulate your self. You did it. You, Jonathon, not your dad, your mom, or anyone else. You did it.
I give you credit for great progress. You were in a deep hole, and it so much more shallow now, because of you. Please, give yourself credit. Maybe writing down some of the progress you have made would help you feel better. Think of the progress, not the failure. Always wishing you the best. I miss you when you don't post.
Keep in mind that "normal" is a relative term. Can anyone really be considered normal? Sometimes I think I want to have a "normal" life where I'm married and have a partner - but even when I had that before - it was never normal. So do what you have to do and don't worry about labels. You are wonderful just the way you are because you are a strong person and you do what it takes to keep you on the most even keel you can. For that you should be proud.
You are an inspiration to many, no matter what the label.
I think we all want to be normal, but no one really knows what that is.
Many people have to depend on medications for various conditions for their entire lives. If the medication can help people cope with life better or keep them stabilized and able to function then it is a good thing.
Glad u are back to blogging.
Andrew,
Please repeat after me: I am like everyone else. I have issues and problems and bumps in my road. No one ever has it easy. This is my normal.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling like sh*t because you started smoking and that the symptoms of schizophrenia started peaking through once again.
Andrew, we like you because of who you are--and not the person you think you should be. You have a job. You have friends. You're a great writer. You know how to fix computers. You started a business (in the worst economy in 80 years!). What doesn't sound normal in this scenario?
I hope you feel better. You're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm rooting for you.
It was probably a bump in the road, a slip, but you can get back on track. Beating yourself up over smoking and such isn't a good idea. Be gentle with yourself.
Hello Sir:
I am glad you have your blog up and running again. The paranoia you speak of is hopefully something you will experience less and less as you continue to move forward with all your wonderful day-to-day pursuits.
As far as smoking goes, try to not feel chagrined about returning to the hobby. Look at it this way... fifty years ago, no one would have given the notion of smoking or not smoking a helluva lot of effort or consideration. Men either were smokers or not. If you enjoy smoking, then do not get down on yourself about it.
If the expense is something that bothers you, reconsider the idea of smoking a pipe and pipe tobacco. It is considerably less expensive... typically only about 1/4th the price of the cheapest cigarettes.
I am glad you are back on-line and writing. You are a good person.
PipeTobacco
http://frumpyprofessor.blogspot.com
It is good to see you back again Andrew. I don't always comment, but I always read. I care about you.
Normal is a very obscure term.
I have gone through the anger and why me's about taking the meds that help me to live in the world in a manner that is comfortable to me.
I try to remind myself that there is a purpose for my life. Even if I have no idea what it is. By being as public as you are concerning your difficulties I am sure you have helped more people than you can even begin to imagine.
Hang in there and enjoy your evening.
Blessings
Leann
Thrilled that dad is coming around. I know how much that means to you.
The smoking can be dealt with when you're feeling better.
Normal? As so many have said, there really isn't a normal these days. My husband takes 8 prescriptions for his problems. I have 6! Without those meds, we could not function well enough to take care of ourselves! Whether they are for mental or physical problems does not matter - they help us function - therefore we see them as being a real help.
I think if you could peek into the way some other folks live - you would find lots of similar stories.
You're doing so very well - be glad for all you've accomplished!
Love ya,
Grannie
I'm so glad you're back. We're always concerned when you drop out. Thankfully, you've always come back. One day at a time will get you by, in good times and in bad.
Hi buddy!
Wow, so glad to see you are back! You want to be "normal" but truly to be normal you have to be a little mentally ill. I think we all are.
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