“I fear your quitting smoking has a lot to do with your recent troubles,” dad told me last night after stopping by before work. Mom has also been worried about this. They think my recent cold turkey quitting of my habit is effecting me mentally. “I read in a study where 90 percent of all schizophrenics smoke!”
This morning I left work and drove directly to mom’s after getting a few breakfast biscuits at a fast food place. I picked up my eight very cold diet drinks for the day and in the sack was some beef jerky for the dogs and two packs of Doral Gold 100’s cigarettes thrown in the fray. Mom had written a note…
“I can only afford to buy you two packs a day,” she wrote. “I hope this suffices. I worry about you and don’t want you in pain. Try not to smoke three packs per day. I worry about lung cancer as well. I love you, mom.”
I smiled as I climbed in my car to drive home, immediately lighting up a morning cigarette. It seems quitting smoking again is going to be much harder with this kind of enabling going on.
Tee asked what mudbugs were and they are fried crayfish – one of the specialties of the Cock of the Walk restaurant. Dad knew I loved them and wanted to treat me. They come with this spicy dipping sauce and spicy fried fries that are just delicious and decadent – a true Louisiana treat this far to the east.
The recent death of that Rutgers's student over bullying over his sexual orientation has put things into perspective for me. I often get really discouraged with my recent bouts with mental illness – coming to terms that I am actually mentally ill was a very hard thing for me to do. I know that feeling of loss and discouragement that such things can bring upon you. I know the desperation you can feel when the audible delusions start and you know you are about to have an especially bad bout with your mental illness for the day – much of which I have hidden from the blog recently. It has caused me to sleep a lot in depression lately – sleep being the one great escape. Many mornings coming home to sleep until work again another night. Death is so final, though, and not the answer. There are good days as well. Just having the joy of Maggie and Caramel. The curling up in bed as our usual morning ritual entails is such a joy as the dogs settle in for sleep and I quietly settle in myself. The joy of a good meal and that first cigarette after getting off of work. The call of Mrs. Florene as I am going about my nightly ritual of getting ready for work. There is much to live for and I don’t want to lose sight of this. It can really put things into perspective.
“I’m coming to terms with my job,” George also told me as I walked to my car this morning after clocking out. “I’ve gotten to where I like it!”
“Good!” I replied, relieved. “Your lucky to have it. It was no small feat to get it for you, you being an ex-con.”
“It helps that my boss is one smokin’ hot lady!”
I smiled. George is always thinking with his penis. Some things will never change – the absurd simplicity of it all.
Well, I am off for a much welcomed round in bed. I plan to sleep all day and hopefully wake up late this evening feeling renewed and refreshed. The dogs already know the routine and I can hear Maggie scratching at her cooties on the bed from my computer room. They are waiting on me – them enjoying this routine as much as I.
7 comments:
You know, all in all you have made a lot of great changes in your life. Even with the schiz you have functioned pretty well. Maybe just enough of the meds to allow you to live life enjoyably is all it will take. I am not sure if you have mentioned it or not and I just missed it, but are you still able to work? If not, you at least still have disability to fall back on and your medical expenses covered. You can still do wlawns on the side for a little extra cash. The fact that you didn't smoke for such a long while shows that you can at least cut down to what you can afford. Everyone has their own small vices. I think you are still in a way better place that you were. You have more independence than you did and hey look your family STILL loves you ;)
I missed your daily blogging so I am very happy that you are back and ok.
Lacey
I know that feeling all to well. I agree death is not the answer. Enjoy what you have with the people who love you. Look what you have achieved in a very short amount of time.
You are doing great! Hang in there!
great post. as always, thank you for sharing yourself with us. have been feeling sorry for myself today and your post helped me put things into perspective.
jane
Thanks for the education on the mudbugs.
Hang in there, you have come so far the past several months. Even though you are feeling well at the moment you know this too shall pass.
George is a trip. He is lucky to have the job thanks to you. How is the electronics department doing? Do you still like the iPad? I used mine a lot this weekend. Kicking the ciggies would be good. Lung cancer isn't a pretty thing.
It's just great to read your thoughts and have you share them with us. I really did miss you and worry while you were away. Life sure is a journey, huh? I've known you so long and feel like I've been there with you. You've evolved so much, and it's still going on. When you look back you can see how far you've come. There's been great times and some not so much. You've kept a perspective through it all. And constants...there are many, especially the love of your family and George and Maggie and blogging and computers, and on and on. And you've always had friends here, and speaking for myself, you mean a lot to me.
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