My Thoughts for the End of the Blogging Day…

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

That’s the eleventh step of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I’ve never paid much attention to the details of that step having never gotten that far in the program.  This evening, I noticed it said to ask God ONLY for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.  I have been praying all wrong!  I have been praying for anything and everything.  I pray mostly for mental health.  In the shower.  While I eat.  While I am driving.  I am asking God to help remove my mental illness.  It has tortured me so over the years.  Maybe God’s will was to mold me as the person I am today through my mental illness.  I think I am very kind and it is one of my most important aspects as a person.  I have a lot of empathy for people who are downtrodden and/or ill.  I have been praying for a miracle and maybe I’ve gotten it all wrong.  God must be much more subtle than that and I will not set myself up for disappointment when he doesn’t cater to my every prayer and whim.  

My Thoughts for the End of the Blogging Day…

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

That’s the eleventh step of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I’ve never paid much attention to the details of that step having never gotten that far in the program.  This evening, I noticed it said to ask God ONLY for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.  I have been praying all wrong!  I have been praying for anything and everything.  I pray mostly for mental health.  In the shower.  While I eat.  While I am driving.  I am asking God to help remove my mental illness.  It has tortured me so over the years.  Maybe God’s will was to mold me as the person I am today through my mental illness.  I think I am very kind and it is one of my most important aspects as a person.  I have a lot of empathy for people who are downtrodden and/or ill.  I have been praying for a miracle and maybe I’ve gotten it all wrong.  God must be much more subtle than that and I will not set myself up for disappointment when he doesn’t cater to my every prayer and whim.  

Much Too Pretty to be Sitting at this Computer…

Well, I am off to sit on the porch, smoke, drink soda, and listen to last night’s Coast to Coast AM on my iPod.  It is an absolutely gorgeous spring day with a temperature of 78 here.  I will catch up on comments in a few hours so if you comment and I don’t reply then you know I am enjoying this spring day.  Thank you all for the interaction today.  It means a lot to me!

Much Too Pretty to be Sitting at this Computer…

Well, I am off to sit on the porch, smoke, drink soda, and listen to last night’s Coast to Coast AM on my iPod.  It is an absolutely gorgeous spring day with a temperature of 78 here.  I will catch up on comments in a few hours so if you comment and I don’t reply then you know I am enjoying this spring day.  Thank you all for the interaction today.  It means a lot to me!

Some Piano…

Have you noticed how Maggie always has to get in these videos? lol  I looked terrible in this video, but posted it anyway.

Some Piano…

Have you noticed how Maggie always has to get in these videos? lol  I looked terrible in this video, but posted it anyway.

Gift Cards: I Love Thee…

“I am getting you a $100 iTunes gift card for your birthday today,” mom just told me on the phone. “What do you do with them?  You can’t buy beer with them, can you?”

I smiled.

“I usually just get audiobooks for my iPod,” I replied. “And no, you can’t get beer off of iTunes.  I certainly wish you could sometimes.  If I could download beer off the Internet then I would be in serious terrible trouble.”

“What do you want for grocery day?” mom then asked.

I told her I wanted Lean Cuisines instead of Marie Callender meals.  The Marie meals played havoc on my bulimia and drove me crazy this past week. They are fatty, over the top, salty, tasteful, and make me want to binge.  Lean Cuisines are bland, small portioned, and not dangerous.

“Get me three packs of Snicker’s bars!” I then said excitedly.  Sugar is my new drug it seems.  I am very limited by my family of the drugs in which i can partake these days.

“I will get you two 2-liters of diet soda, but your father says they have to be caffeine free.”

“Okay,” I replied. “But get me three.”

“Three?” mom asked. “That is going to push your budget over the limits.”

LOL!

“Mom, they cost .99 cents per 2-liter!”

“Well, okay,” she said and hung up the phone.

I can’t wait for my Snicker’s bars and soda!  The hours till around 2pm are going to pass so slowly.     

Gift Cards: I Love Thee…

“I am getting you a $100 iTunes gift card for your birthday today,” mom just told me on the phone. “What do you do with them?  You can’t buy beer with them, can you?”

I smiled.

“I usually just get audiobooks for my iPod,” I replied. “And no, you can’t get beer off of iTunes.  I certainly wish you could sometimes.  If I could download beer off the Internet then I would be in serious terrible trouble.”

“What do you want for grocery day?” mom then asked.

I told her I wanted Lean Cuisines instead of Marie Callender meals.  The Marie meals played havoc on my bulimia and drove me crazy this past week. They are fatty, over the top, salty, tasteful, and make me want to binge.  Lean Cuisines are bland, small portioned, and not dangerous.

“Get me three packs of Snicker’s bars!” I then said excitedly.  Sugar is my new drug it seems.  I am very limited by my family of the drugs in which i can partake these days.

“I will get you two 2-liters of diet soda, but your father says they have to be caffeine free.”

“Okay,” I replied. “But get me three.”

“Three?” mom asked. “That is going to push your budget over the limits.”

LOL!

“Mom, they cost .99 cents per 2-liter!”

“Well, okay,” she said and hung up the phone.

I can’t wait for my Snicker’s bars and soda!  The hours till around 2pm are going to pass so slowly.     

The Rigors of Blogging and Facebook…

My sister follows me on Facebook and so does my sister-in-law.  It has scared the shit out of me that they are going to tell my father that I am writing about my mental illness and addictions openly there now.  I am certainly throwing caution to the wind.  I often wonder if I should just put my real name on this blog and where I live.  Does it really matter that people can find me?  Do I have the courage to be me despite what others think?

My sister sent me a private message last night after I had wrote I get a lot of readers on my blog. She wanted the address and wanted to know about building up a readership.  I didn’t send her an address.  I don’t want my family reading my blog it seems.  I did tell her that blogging is like anything else in life as she should know being a very successful oncologist.  You get out of it about what you put into it.  if you write a lot and try to be interesting then people will stop by I think.  Most people start a blog and give up after a few weeks when no one visits.  When i started this iteration of my blog, I only had two people reading: Pipe Tobacco and Jennifer. 

I am seriously considering putting my real name up today and where i live.  I would love your thoughts on the matter before I do this.  I always admired Kevin “The Homeless Guy” Barbieux for always using his real name on his blog despite the incredibly controversial topics he wrote about.  Let me know what you think and if I am being stupid or not. 

(I am also feeling especially gregarious right now.  That may change in a week or two when the paranoia of my schizophrenia rears it’s ugly head.  I will go back to being quiet and withdrawn – a social pariah.)

The Rigors of Blogging and Facebook…

My sister follows me on Facebook and so does my sister-in-law.  It has scared the shit out of me that they are going to tell my father that I am writing about my mental illness and addictions openly there now.  I am certainly throwing caution to the wind.  I often wonder if I should just put my real name on this blog and where I live.  Does it really matter that people can find me?  Do I have the courage to be me despite what others think?

My sister sent me a private message last night after I had wrote I get a lot of readers on my blog. She wanted the address and wanted to know about building up a readership.  I didn’t send her an address.  I don’t want my family reading my blog it seems.  I did tell her that blogging is like anything else in life as she should know being a very successful oncologist.  You get out of it about what you put into it.  if you write a lot and try to be interesting then people will stop by I think.  Most people start a blog and give up after a few weeks when no one visits.  When i started this iteration of my blog, I only had two people reading: Pipe Tobacco and Jennifer. 

I am seriously considering putting my real name up today and where i live.  I would love your thoughts on the matter before I do this.  I always admired Kevin “The Homeless Guy” Barbieux for always using his real name on his blog despite the incredibly controversial topics he wrote about.  Let me know what you think and if I am being stupid or not. 

(I am also feeling especially gregarious right now.  That may change in a week or two when the paranoia of my schizophrenia rears it’s ugly head.  I will go back to being quiet and withdrawn – a social pariah.)

Issues… We Have Them…

Issues… We Have Them…

My Thoughts for the Day…

Computer Stuff…

My Twitter/email/TV computer started restarting randomly yesterday.  I was stumped until I changed the power supply from 300 watts to a 430 watt power supply. It is running fine now.  The overclock was causing the motherboard to use more “juice” and it wasn’t getting enough power.  I love trouble shooting this sort of thing.  I really should get a job working on computers.  Most people don’t know this, but I am A+ certified to repair PCs.  I took the exam in Montgomery, Al. years ago and it cost $250 dollars to take it which I thought was a racket. 

Mental Illness Update for the Day…

I am feeling very mentally well today.  I woke up in very good spirits.  I am still having those periods of euphoria, but they will soon pass as my body becomes acclimated to this new high level of medications.  I was on 25mg a day and now it is double to 50mg a day.  I still grow very tired at the end of the day, though.  I was in the bed by eight last night and slept until 5am this morning.

The Stigma of Mental Illness…

I am in a long running conversation with a lady on Twitter about the stigmas of mental illness.  It is true most of us hide our disease when it would be perfectly acceptable to tell employers, friends, and family we had cancer or the flu.  She feels more people die unduly to mental illness due to this stigma.  She is probably right.  I am in the position where I don’t work and frankly have grown tired of hiding my illness over the years.  I want to reach out to others with my same problems and realized I had to speak out to do this.  I really don’t consider myself an advocate per se, but do want to reach out and talk.  It is actually incredibly hard to find others with mental illness in these social media outlets due to the stigma involved. I have found two people with schizophrenia on Twitter after countless searches and only one on Facebook. 

My Thoughts for the Day…

Computer Stuff…

My Twitter/email/TV computer started restarting randomly yesterday.  I was stumped until I changed the power supply from 300 watts to a 430 watt power supply. It is running fine now.  The overclock was causing the motherboard to use more “juice” and it wasn’t getting enough power.  I love trouble shooting this sort of thing.  I really should get a job working on computers.  Most people don’t know this, but I am A+ certified to repair PCs.  I took the exam in Montgomery, Al. years ago and it cost $250 dollars to take it which I thought was a racket. 

Mental Illness Update for the Day…

I am feeling very mentally well today.  I woke up in very good spirits.  I am still having those periods of euphoria, but they will soon pass as my body becomes acclimated to this new high level of medications.  I was on 25mg a day and now it is double to 50mg a day.  I still grow very tired at the end of the day, though.  I was in the bed by eight last night and slept until 5am this morning.

The Stigma of Mental Illness…

I am in a long running conversation with a lady on Twitter about the stigmas of mental illness.  It is true most of us hide our disease when it would be perfectly acceptable to tell employers, friends, and family we had cancer or the flu.  She feels more people die unduly to mental illness due to this stigma.  She is probably right.  I am in the position where I don’t work and frankly have grown tired of hiding my illness over the years.  I want to reach out to others with my same problems and realized I had to speak out to do this.  I really don’t consider myself an advocate per se, but do want to reach out and talk.  It is actually incredibly hard to find others with mental illness in these social media outlets due to the stigma involved. I have found two people with schizophrenia on Twitter after countless searches and only one on Facebook. 

Attitude of Gratitude!

You can’t see it on the video, but I’m not wearing pants!!! LOL!

Attitude of Gratitude!

You can’t see it on the video, but I’m not wearing pants!!! LOL!

Mexican Tuesdays!

On top of my nachos supreme and chips and salsa, I got shaving cream and cups! LOL   Mom can bring me the oddest things sometimes.  I wonder what goes on in her mind.  I didn’t get any 20oz Cokes, though. :-(

 

Mexican Tuesdays!

On top of my nachos supreme and chips and salsa, I got shaving cream and cups! LOL   Mom can bring me the oddest things sometimes.  I wonder what goes on in her mind.  I didn’t get any 20oz Cokes, though. :-(

 

Euphoria City…

I took the post down about George.  It was just too racy.  George can be crass and I worry about posting our exchanges.  It’s guy humor and most of my readers are women.  (I put the George post back up.  Y’all tell me if it’s too vulgar or racy, or if it offends.  It is exactly what happened.)

I’ve had periods of Euphoria all day long.  It is very nice.  The alcoholic in me likes anything that makes you feel “high”.  I’ve spent most of the day chain smoking and smiling.  I’m not very verbose today, though.  I don’t know what  much to say. My injection is my “Soma”, and can make me quiet and withdrawn.

I wish I got more comments.  Only a select few people comment out of nearly 300 people visiting the blog every day.  At any given time, there are 4 or 5 people reading the blog and I am always disappointed when they leave without saying hello.  There is a recovery and sobriety lesson in there somewhere – not letting others dictate my feelings and moods.  I am off to smoke some more and read a book as I sit in front of this computer.

Euphoria City…

I took the post down about George.  It was just too racy.  George can be crass and I worry about posting our exchanges.  It’s guy humor and most of my readers are women.  (I put the George post back up.  Y’all tell me if it’s too vulgar or racy, or if it offends.  It is exactly what happened.)

I’ve had periods of Euphoria all day long.  It is very nice.  The alcoholic in me likes anything that makes you feel “high”.  I’ve spent most of the day chain smoking and smiling.  I’m not very verbose today, though.  I don’t know what  much to say. My injection is my “Soma”, and can make me quiet and withdrawn.

I wish I got more comments.  Only a select few people comment out of nearly 300 people visiting the blog every day.  At any given time, there are 4 or 5 people reading the blog and I am always disappointed when they leave without saying hello.  There is a recovery and sobriety lesson in there somewhere – not letting others dictate my feelings and moods.  I am off to smoke some more and read a book as I sit in front of this computer.

Good ‘ole George…

“Momma’s driving me crazy so I coming over here with you,” George said a minute ago. “I’ve been off of work two nights in a row sick and momma’s bout to nag me to death.  It makes me want to drink a gallon of bourbon.”

I laughed. “Come on in!”

“Let’s order a pizza for lunch,” George said.

George had brought a case of Cokes and I began to drool.  What a nice surprise!  I ordered the pizzas online and we are now waiting on them to arrive.  George is laying on my bed smoking a cigarillo.  He is using a cup of water as an ashtray which is sitting on my bedside table.  He has his legs crossed and looks comfortable.  I am doing “computer shit” as George puts it. LOL!

“If you watched porn, what kind of porn would you watch?” George just asked me.

“Everyday Joes,” I replied, meaning amateur porn. “Porn stars and mainstream porn just seems so fake.  I got enough of that with my ex-wife.”

“Find me a good amateur porn site.  Work your computer magic. You can find anything.”

I found www.youramateurporn.com pretty easily and it had all free videos and was virus free.

“Email me that link!” George said excitedly.

“You know it’s rather gross that I am thinking of you visiting this site and beating off,” I replied.

“I forget you don’t beat off,” George told me laughing.

“It’s not funny!” I said huffily. “I can’t help my medications make me asexual!”

I am now having euphoria from my injection.  This is my version of an orgasm.  I just told George I was feeling quite strange, but good at the same time.

“I’ve got to get me some of dat shit!” George exclaimed. “Do they have to inject it in your ass?”

I laughed as I lit up a cigarette.  Smoking is ten times more pleasurable during these moments of euphoria.  I can’t believe George is wanting an injection of Risperdal just to get high.  Us addicts are something else!

Good ‘ole George…

“Momma’s driving me crazy so I coming over here with you,” George said a minute ago. “I’ve been off of work two nights in a row sick and momma’s bout to nag me to death.  It makes me want to drink a gallon of bourbon.”

I laughed. “Come on in!”

“Let’s order a pizza for lunch,” George said.

George had brought a case of Cokes and I began to drool.  What a nice surprise!  I ordered the pizzas online and we are now waiting on them to arrive.  George is laying on my bed smoking a cigarillo.  He is using a cup of water as an ashtray which is sitting on my bedside table.  He has his legs crossed and looks comfortable.  I am doing “computer shit” as George puts it. LOL!

“If you watched porn, what kind of porn would you watch?” George just asked me.

“Everyday Joes,” I replied, meaning amateur porn. “Porn stars and mainstream porn just seems so fake.  I got enough of that with my ex-wife.”

“Find me a good amateur porn site.  Work your computer magic. You can find anything.”

I found www.youramateurporn.com pretty easily and it had all free videos and was virus free.

“Email me that link!” George said excitedly.

“You know it’s rather gross that I am thinking of you visiting this site and beating off,” I replied.

“I forget you don’t beat off,” George told me laughing.

“It’s not funny!” I said huffily. “I can’t help my medications make me asexual!”

I am now having euphoria from my injection.  This is my version of an orgasm.  I just told George I was feeling quite strange, but good at the same time.

“I’ve got to get me some of dat shit!” George exclaimed. “Do they have to inject it in your ass?”

I laughed as I lit up a cigarette.  Smoking is ten times more pleasurable during these moments of euphoria.  I can’t believe George is wanting an injection of Risperdal just to get high.  Us addicts are something else!

I Really Dig this Video and this Group…

I Really Dig this Video and this Group…

Some Photos from Around Mom and Dad’s…

Isn’t mom and dad’s house the most hideous color?  I don’t know what possessed dad to paint it this color but it embarrasses my siblings and I.

Some Photos from Around Mom and Dad’s…

Isn’t mom and dad’s house the most hideous color?  I don’t know what possessed dad to paint it this color but it embarrasses my siblings and I.

Model Railroad Club of Toronto…

Model Railroad Club of Toronto…

No Hairy Butts Here!

“I”m glad your butt isn’t hairy,” my nurse told me as she was injecting me. “i have never liked hairy butts on men.”

I laughed. Boy, did I laugh.

“Well, I am glad I could accommodate you,” I replied, smiling feverishly. 

Rebecca saying that really surprised me.  She is very conservative.  You know I just had to drive up to the pharmacy and tell dad all about it.  He loved it!

I am already feeling better just an hour after my injection.  My mind is quieter and I am calmer and more relaxed.  I got three Snicker’s bars and three Coca-Colas at the pharmacy so I am set for an hour or two. 

No Hairy Butts Here!

“I”m glad your butt isn’t hairy,” my nurse told me as she was injecting me. “i have never liked hairy butts on men.”

I laughed. Boy, did I laugh.

“Well, I am glad I could accommodate you,” I replied, smiling feverishly. 

Rebecca saying that really surprised me.  She is very conservative.  You know I just had to drive up to the pharmacy and tell dad all about it.  He loved it!

I am already feeling better just an hour after my injection.  My mind is quieter and I am calmer and more relaxed.  I got three Snicker’s bars and three Coca-Colas at the pharmacy so I am set for an hour or two. 

The Way to My Heart is Through My Stomach!

The Way to My Heart is Through My Stomach!

An Attitude of Gratitude…

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

Today, I am thankful for medications and being able to afford them through the help of my family and the government.  My medications run over $1000 dollars a month – as much as what I get in disability each month.  I could never afford this without Medicare Part D which pays the full cost of my medications. 

I am also thankful for AA.  Having a safe and supporting place to go everyday to talk about my drinking issues is amazing.  And it doesn’t cost anything.  People come together to help and support each other via a common cause – the simple desire to stop drinking.  I am learning to live in a healthy way by attending the program.  I have a new lease on life. 

My gratitude lists will always include Maggie as well.  She really tickled me last night.  She was the proverbial bottomless pit as far as food was concerned yesterday.  She ate her double cheeseburger with relish.  Later, dad gave her a cup of her Purina One.  She ate that.  I had lasagna for supper and couldn’t eat it all and Maggie ate the rest.  She was bloated and it made me smile.  Jumping up on the bed to sleep was laborious for her.  I almost had to pick her up.  She is hungry again this morning and watched intently as I ate a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast.  Yes, she got half of the two. 

I am also thankful for Kevin “The Homeless Guy” Barbieux for reminding me to be kind to others which he is not.  He has taught me so many lessons over the years.  I have often gone by the mantra “do the opposite of what Kevin does” for better life living results.  He also taught me that homelessness wasn’t the end of the world.  There are places you can go and live off of the system for decades.  I always knew if my family abandoned me, then I would have a place to go however austere and contrived.  It was just a glimmer of hope in the pits of despair that once was the hell that was my mental illness and drinking.       

An Attitude of Gratitude…

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

Today, I am thankful for medications and being able to afford them through the help of my family and the government.  My medications run over $1000 dollars a month – as much as what I get in disability each month.  I could never afford this without Medicare Part D which pays the full cost of my medications. 

I am also thankful for AA.  Having a safe and supporting place to go everyday to talk about my drinking issues is amazing.  And it doesn’t cost anything.  People come together to help and support each other via a common cause – the simple desire to stop drinking.  I am learning to live in a healthy way by attending the program.  I have a new lease on life. 

My gratitude lists will always include Maggie as well.  She really tickled me last night.  She was the proverbial bottomless pit as far as food was concerned yesterday.  She ate her double cheeseburger with relish.  Later, dad gave her a cup of her Purina One.  She ate that.  I had lasagna for supper and couldn’t eat it all and Maggie ate the rest.  She was bloated and it made me smile.  Jumping up on the bed to sleep was laborious for her.  I almost had to pick her up.  She is hungry again this morning and watched intently as I ate a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast.  Yes, she got half of the two. 

I am also thankful for Kevin “The Homeless Guy” Barbieux for reminding me to be kind to others which he is not.  He has taught me so many lessons over the years.  I have often gone by the mantra “do the opposite of what Kevin does” for better life living results.  He also taught me that homelessness wasn’t the end of the world.  There are places you can go and live off of the system for decades.  I always knew if my family abandoned me, then I would have a place to go however austere and contrived.  It was just a glimmer of hope in the pits of despair that once was the hell that was my mental illness and drinking.       

My Thoughts for the Day…

Shall I Howl???

I am a firm believer that the gravitational pulls of a full moon have effects on our brain chemistry.  Last night, I was sitting here at this computer and looked out the window: A full moon.  I immediately called dad on his cell phone even though he had just left after our medication ritual.

“Guess what?” I asked him. “It is a full moon.  You know what I should be doing.”

“You should be acting crazy, drinking beer, and raisin’ hell,” dad replied laughing.

I laughed and laughed. It was so true.

“We should be full tilt nuts right now.”

“That explains the crazy customers I had in the store all day,” dad said laughing some more. “Everybody was wanting their pain pills.  We had some real crazies today.”

At least dad and I can laugh about it.  It was true though.  Tomorrow was to be my shot and it was a full moon – a very interesting combination.  

Throwing Caution to the Wind with Facebook…

I am throwing caution to the wind with regards to Facebook.  I am just going to be me and be honest about my problems and I.  I realized that was the only way I was going to use the service.  So many of my former blogging friends have gravitated there.  They no longer write their blogs and just post on Facebook.  I want to join in.  It feels odd letting my classmates know I have a mental illness, though.  There is a stigma to mental illness and we learn to hide it.  There has been an outpouring of support about religion though. Classmates are contacting me via email and an old friend who used to work for my father stopped by my house yesterday with a “recovery Bible” after what I wrote on Facebook.  It was so good seeing her, but it felt kind of odd.  She wants me to go to church with her this Sunday.  I used the same excuse I use with Mrs. Florene.  I don’t have Sunday clothes.  I am just not ready for formal religion just yet and the Baptists are certainly interesting.

Computer Stuff…

You may remember I put together a computer out of spare parts I had lying around.  Last night, I got adventurous and started to overclock.  It has a 3.0 GHz “prescott” Intel Pentium 4 processor.  I managed to bump up the front side bus up to 1000 MHz for an amazing overclock of 3.75 GHz.  I was so proud and excited, and it is rock solid stable as well. 

I also managed to overclock the memory/RAM for my main blogging and gaming computer.  I linked the memory bus to the front side CPU bus for an overclock of 850 MHz.  The front side bus is running at 1700 MHz.  That was just amazing!  I am still astounded that it is stable, but we are running fine.  I ran lots of number crunching tests and didn’t get any errors. 

Next on the agenda was overclocking my Nvidia Geforce 8800 GT video card. The bios is locked so no overclocking.  I was so disappointed.  It is a good card, though, at stock speeds and has served me well these past few years. 

I changed browsers yesterday.  Internet Explorer 8 was running slow for me in 64-bit mode so I changed to Apple’s Safari 4 browser.  It isn’t groundbreaking, but it does the job and I like it so far.  It is fast and stable.  I’ve never liked Firefox because of the download manager.  I download lots of stuff and I was always hunting where Firefox put them.  It aggravated the shit out of me.  Firefox is still the fastest and most secure browser, though.   

My Thoughts for the Day…

Shall I Howl???

I am a firm believer that the gravitational pulls of a full moon have effects on our brain chemistry.  Last night, I was sitting here at this computer and looked out the window: A full moon.  I immediately called dad on his cell phone even though he had just left after our medication ritual.

“Guess what?” I asked him. “It is a full moon.  You know what I should be doing.”

“You should be acting crazy, drinking beer, and raisin’ hell,” dad replied laughing.

I laughed and laughed. It was so true.

“We should be full tilt nuts right now.”

“That explains the crazy customers I had in the store all day,” dad said laughing some more. “Everybody was wanting their pain pills.  We had some real crazies today.”

At least dad and I can laugh about it.  It was true though.  Tomorrow was to be my shot and it was a full moon – a very interesting combination.  

Throwing Caution to the Wind with Facebook…

I am throwing caution to the wind with regards to Facebook.  I am just going to be me and be honest about my problems and I.  I realized that was the only way I was going to use the service.  So many of my former blogging friends have gravitated there.  They no longer write their blogs and just post on Facebook.  I want to join in.  It feels odd letting my classmates know I have a mental illness, though.  There is a stigma to mental illness and we learn to hide it.  There has been an outpouring of support about religion though. Classmates are contacting me via email and an old friend who used to work for my father stopped by my house yesterday with a “recovery Bible” after what I wrote on Facebook.  It was so good seeing her, but it felt kind of odd.  She wants me to go to church with her this Sunday.  I used the same excuse I use with Mrs. Florene.  I don’t have Sunday clothes.  I am just not ready for formal religion just yet and the Baptists are certainly interesting.

Computer Stuff…

You may remember I put together a computer out of spare parts I had lying around.  Last night, I got adventurous and started to overclock.  It has a 3.0 GHz “prescott” Intel Pentium 4 processor.  I managed to bump up the front side bus up to 1000 MHz for an amazing overclock of 3.75 GHz.  I was so proud and excited, and it is rock solid stable as well. 

I also managed to overclock the memory/RAM for my main blogging and gaming computer.  I linked the memory bus to the front side CPU bus for an overclock of 850 MHz.  The front side bus is running at 1700 MHz.  That was just amazing!  I am still astounded that it is stable, but we are running fine.  I ran lots of number crunching tests and didn’t get any errors. 

Next on the agenda was overclocking my Nvidia Geforce 8800 GT video card. The bios is locked so no overclocking.  I was so disappointed.  It is a good card, though, at stock speeds and has served me well these past few years. 

I changed browsers yesterday.  Internet Explorer 8 was running slow for me in 64-bit mode so I changed to Apple’s Safari 4 browser.  It isn’t groundbreaking, but it does the job and I like it so far.  It is fast and stable.  I’ve never liked Firefox because of the download manager.  I download lots of stuff and I was always hunting where Firefox put them.  It aggravated the shit out of me.  Firefox is still the fastest and most secure browser, though.   

Double Take and a Turn Around!!!

I was just sitting at a red light in downtown West Point, Georgia.  A train was passing in front of me and I was geeking out! I love trains. I was headed to the 8pm AA meeting in Lagrange.  It is a long drive and I was just out of town and was trying to psyche myself up for this ordeal. I kept praying in the shower that God would allow me and help me to make it. Then it happened.  I had a massive panic/anxiety attack sitting in front of that train.  My arms went numb.  My mind was racing a hundred miles an hour.  The whole world seemed to spin.  I managed to turn around and head home.  I have never been so glad to pull in my driveway in all my life.  I was literally scared to death.  I tried to do too much tonight.  Late in the evenings are when my medication levels are low in my bloodstream.  I am always tired and go to bed around 8:30 until dad arrives with the meds.  Tomorrow is also my injection of Risperdal Consta.  I should’ve been more cautious and just attended an online meeting at 9pm.  You live and you learn.  I am just glad the panic attack didn’t last long.  Usually, they can last for an hour or more and I am wracked with agony.  Thank God for tonight’s reprieve from the usual. 

Double Take and a Turn Around!!!

I was just sitting at a red light in downtown West Point, Georgia.  A train was passing in front of me and I was geeking out! I love trains. I was headed to the 8pm AA meeting in Lagrange.  It is a long drive and I was just out of town and was trying to psyche myself up for this ordeal. I kept praying in the shower that God would allow me and help me to make it. Then it happened.  I had a massive panic/anxiety attack sitting in front of that train.  My arms went numb.  My mind was racing a hundred miles an hour.  The whole world seemed to spin.  I managed to turn around and head home.  I have never been so glad to pull in my driveway in all my life.  I was literally scared to death.  I tried to do too much tonight.  Late in the evenings are when my medication levels are low in my bloodstream.  I am always tired and go to bed around 8:30 until dad arrives with the meds.  Tomorrow is also my injection of Risperdal Consta.  I should’ve been more cautious and just attended an online meeting at 9pm.  You live and you learn.  I am just glad the panic attack didn’t last long.  Usually, they can last for an hour or more and I am wracked with agony.  Thank God for tonight’s reprieve from the usual. 

A Special Moment in the Life of Maggie – Getting Her Weekly Double Cheeseburger.

A Special Moment in the Life of Maggie – Getting Her Weekly Double Cheeseburger.

Celebrating Spring!

   

Celebrating Spring!

   

Curious Family Dynamics…

My mother suffers from schizophrenia and bi-polar.  She also has an addiction to aprozolam (Xanax) which my father tolerates as it keeps her malleable and complacent.  She easily gets muddled and confused.  She will often sound thick tongued over the phone.  She did today and I worried deeply about her.  Her’s is not an easy life as I sometimes delude myself into thinking with Helen cleaning the house and cooking all her meals.

“I just put your cokes out on the porch,” mom told me a moment ago over the phone.

“Mom, I picked up my cokes at eight this morning,” I replied.

Used to, I would take advantage of her muddle-ness and confusion.  I would jump all over the chance at getting six extra cokes for the day.  I won’t lie and say it wasn’t enticing, but cooler and more ethical heads prevailed this morning.  Dad has often told me I’ve taken advantage of my mother’s tendency to do things such as this over the years and i want to change that. I don’t write this to toot my own horn, but to display some of the dynamics that go on in families with individuals who are addicted and are mentally ill.    

Curious Family Dynamics…

My mother suffers from schizophrenia and bi-polar.  She also has an addiction to aprozolam (Xanax) which my father tolerates as it keeps her malleable and complacent.  She easily gets muddled and confused.  She will often sound thick tongued over the phone.  She did today and I worried deeply about her.  Her’s is not an easy life as I sometimes delude myself into thinking with Helen cleaning the house and cooking all her meals.

“I just put your cokes out on the porch,” mom told me a moment ago over the phone.

“Mom, I picked up my cokes at eight this morning,” I replied.

Used to, I would take advantage of her muddle-ness and confusion.  I would jump all over the chance at getting six extra cokes for the day.  I won’t lie and say it wasn’t enticing, but cooler and more ethical heads prevailed this morning.  Dad has often told me I’ve taken advantage of my mother’s tendency to do things such as this over the years and i want to change that. I don’t write this to toot my own horn, but to display some of the dynamics that go on in families with individuals who are addicted and are mentally ill.    

Depression Sucks!

Depression Sucks!

Twitter Idiosyncrasies…

• The #amwriting people: People who are always writing about writing, but never write anything interesting.  They always use the #amwriting hashtag and encourage you to use it too.  Write about your life. Your dog. Anything other than just writing about writing.  I want to get to know you and that is why I followed you. 
• Link posters: People who clutter up the Twitter stream with endless links to things they think are interesting.  These links are only interesting to them.  They insistently want you to be interested as well.  Sigh.
• The “I may win” retweeters:  People who retweet that dealsplus or other retweet to win crap hoping they will win an Apple product or other assorted junk.  It is the scourge of Twitter.  You are not going to win an Apple product I assure you and you are cluttering up the Twittersphere. 
• The 4square twitterers:  These people think visiting the Chevron is great and they want you to know they’ve been there as well.  If you visit the gas station enough, you get to be “mayor” of Chevron.  Your first bit of legislation as mayor should be to ban tweeting about visiting Chevron!
• Follow Friday: I don’t like this.  People tweet endless lists of people to follow.  I’ve followed them to join in on the spirit of the game and was met with a bunch of uninteresting people, people that never tweet, or Internet marketers.  Tweet the most interesting person you follow and let that be it.  I will follow and enjoy!

Twitter Idiosyncrasies…

• The #amwriting people: People who are always writing about writing, but never write anything interesting.  They always use the #amwriting hashtag and encourage you to use it too.  Write about your life. Your dog. Anything other than just writing about writing.  I want to get to know you and that is why I followed you. 
• Link posters: People who clutter up the Twitter stream with endless links to things they think are interesting.  These links are only interesting to them.  They insistently want you to be interested as well.  Sigh.
• The “I may win” retweeters:  People who retweet that dealsplus or other retweet to win crap hoping they will win an Apple product or other assorted junk.  It is the scourge of Twitter.  You are not going to win an Apple product I assure you and you are cluttering up the Twittersphere. 
• The 4square twitterers:  These people think visiting the Chevron is great and they want you to know they’ve been there as well.  If you visit the gas station enough, you get to be “mayor” of Chevron.  Your first bit of legislation as mayor should be to ban tweeting about visiting Chevron!
• Follow Friday: I don’t like this.  People tweet endless lists of people to follow.  I’ve followed them to join in on the spirit of the game and was met with a bunch of uninteresting people, people that never tweet, or Internet marketers.  Tweet the most interesting person you follow and let that be it.  I will follow and enjoy!

A Good Start to the Day…

“Good morning!” dad said over the phone a minute ago.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m drinking me some coffee, eating a microwaved honey bun, and watching CNN,” he replied.

“I called to ask you about that NAMI meeting,” dad then said. “Me and your mother want to go with you.  I am not making any promises with work and all, but I do want to go.  I want to hear what other people have to say about mental illness.”

“Thank you,” I replied. “That makes me so excited!  I am more likely to go on a regular basis if you all get involved.”

“I want you to talk to your brother and sister as well.  There have to be some cutting edge studies on mental illness and schizophrenia you can get involved in.  I want you to try some new medications.  I will call your brother and sister tonight and ask them to inquire about them.  They have contacts in psychiatry.”

I thanked dad and hung up the phone.  I am leery of different medications, though, and the thought of being a guinea pig for said medications and studies scares me.  Most medications for schizophrenia have such terrible side effects.  I will try to keep an open mind about the matter and see what my brother and sister say.  It will be so interesting if they get involved with my mental healthcare.

A Good Start to the Day…

“Good morning!” dad said over the phone a minute ago.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m drinking me some coffee, eating a microwaved honey bun, and watching CNN,” he replied.

“I called to ask you about that NAMI meeting,” dad then said. “Me and your mother want to go with you.  I am not making any promises with work and all, but I do want to go.  I want to hear what other people have to say about mental illness.”

“Thank you,” I replied. “That makes me so excited!  I am more likely to go on a regular basis if you all get involved.”

“I want you to talk to your brother and sister as well.  There have to be some cutting edge studies on mental illness and schizophrenia you can get involved in.  I want you to try some new medications.  I will call your brother and sister tonight and ask them to inquire about them.  They have contacts in psychiatry.”

I thanked dad and hung up the phone.  I am leery of different medications, though, and the thought of being a guinea pig for said medications and studies scares me.  Most medications for schizophrenia have such terrible side effects.  I will try to keep an open mind about the matter and see what my brother and sister say.  It will be so interesting if they get involved with my mental healthcare.

Giving Thanks…

I sat down this morning at the desk in my computer room to write today’s gratitude list.  I had so many thoughts on my mind and so many things to be thankful for. Number one was yesterday.  I had a mental illness free day and they are rare.  For that, I was so thankful.  No racing of the mind.  No endless pacing of the floor to chase away my mental illness blues.  No feelings of overwhelming despair. 

This morning I am thankful for my central heating and air.  I woke up very cold and heat was just pushing a button up a few degrees much to Maggie’s chagrin.  I basked in the warmth shedding clothes.  I have to remind myself of my homeless days and those times I would be so cold I would cry.  My only recourse was to crawl into my sleeping bag with layers upon layers of clothes on to get warm. 

Another thing to be thankful for was the hot turkey and Swiss sandwich I had for breakfast.  I toasted the bread, slathered on some mayonnaise, and warmed the turkey and Swiss in my toaster oven.  It was heavenly.  A far cry from all those cans of fish steaks I ate cold when I was homeless and all the countless bowls of tepid oatmeal.

Yes, I have much to be thankful for today with my homelessness forefront on my mind this morning.  Thankful indeed!  

Giving Thanks…

I sat down this morning at the desk in my computer room to write today’s gratitude list.  I had so many thoughts on my mind and so many things to be thankful for. Number one was yesterday.  I had a mental illness free day and they are rare.  For that, I was so thankful.  No racing of the mind.  No endless pacing of the floor to chase away my mental illness blues.  No feelings of overwhelming despair. 

This morning I am thankful for my central heating and air.  I woke up very cold and heat was just pushing a button up a few degrees much to Maggie’s chagrin.  I basked in the warmth shedding clothes.  I have to remind myself of my homeless days and those times I would be so cold I would cry.  My only recourse was to crawl into my sleeping bag with layers upon layers of clothes on to get warm. 

Another thing to be thankful for was the hot turkey and Swiss sandwich I had for breakfast.  I toasted the bread, slathered on some mayonnaise, and warmed the turkey and Swiss in my toaster oven.  It was heavenly.  A far cry from all those cans of fish steaks I ate cold when I was homeless and all the countless bowls of tepid oatmeal.

Yes, I have much to be thankful for today with my homelessness forefront on my mind this morning.  Thankful indeed!  

Maggie’s Always Hungry…

Maggie’s Always Hungry…

My Thoughts for the Day…

All Mixed Up!

I’m neither conservative nor liberal. I consider myself a moderate and would like to see a new moderate based party.  I think a third party is going to be so important and key to America Libertarians aside.  I think it is terrible the extremes our two current parties go to on either side of the coin.  It is bad for our country.  We need to meet in the middle and have a consensus – a truce for the betterment of our country.  We need to work together and not be so deeply divided along party lines.

I listen to lots of AM talk radio, but can’t listen to the political shows that are so prevalent during the day.  I abhor the likes of Rhandi Rhodes, Neal Boortz, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh.  I think they delude people into believing what they erroneously say.  And all they do is divide and bitch and moan – drawing lines in the sand and proselytizing about it.

Dad asked me again last night what I thought of the healthcare reform bill.  I said I thought it was about time.  We have to have insurance for our houses with mortgages.  We are mandated by our states to have insurance on our cars.  Why not health insurance? And for the 34 million Americans who can’t afford it.  I just worry how it is going to affect dad and my brother and sister who all have jobs in healthcare.  Who knows?  It could be a boon.  34 more million Americans are going to be able to get care where they currently can’t.  I eagerly await to see how this is all going to unfold.  

All is Well in my Mind…

Is it the calm before the storm as what often happens?  I’ve felt so well mentally these past few days.  I woke up this morning with my mind so clear and alert.  Normally, it is clouded and muddled by mental illness.  I could grow to really enjoy this.

It is easy to think I am cured when I get like this.  I let my guard down and revel in this new found wellness.  I think my writing really shines when I get like this as well.  I am so easily able to put my thoughts down on “paper”.  The words just easily flow.  I guess that is why I wrote so much yesterday.  I worried about it, though.  I worried I wrote too much and people would grow tired of my rambling.  I had so much I wanted to say and I thought people wouldn’t be bothered to read it all.  So many of you mean so much to me and I appreciate the comments so very much.  Feedback is a good thing good or bad.  It is my Atlas Marker. 

I am very apprehensive about my shot, though, tomorrow.  I am embarrassed.  Two weeks ago, I had taken over 24 Benadryl before my shot.  “I am feeling really mixed up,” I told my nurse. She looked flabbergasted.   What did I say to her and how did I act?  I can’t remember.  All I remember is her putting me in a waiting room to see my doctor after my shot.  I remember my doctor calling dad, dad arriving, and they drug tested me.  I was really acting crazy.  “How you taken any Benadryl or drugs?” I remember my doctor looking deeply into my eyes and asking.  “No,” I said lying as I looked steadfastly back into his eyes not to give away my ruse. Tomorrow, I will go into the doctor’s office with my tail between my legs and hope for the best.  I just hope I didn’t scare my nurse.  Rebecca means so much to me and is always so kind.  

My Thoughts for the Day…

All Mixed Up!

I’m neither conservative nor liberal. I consider myself a moderate and would like to see a new moderate based party.  I think a third party is going to be so important and key to America Libertarians aside.  I think it is terrible the extremes our two current parties go to on either side of the coin.  It is bad for our country.  We need to meet in the middle and have a consensus – a truce for the betterment of our country.  We need to work together and not be so deeply divided along party lines.

I listen to lots of AM talk radio, but can’t listen to the political shows that are so prevalent during the day.  I abhor the likes of Rhandi Rhodes, Neal Boortz, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh.  I think they delude people into believing what they erroneously say.  And all they do is divide and bitch and moan – drawing lines in the sand and proselytizing about it.

Dad asked me again last night what I thought of the healthcare reform bill.  I said I thought it was about time.  We have to have insurance for our houses with mortgages.  We are mandated by our states to have insurance on our cars.  Why not health insurance? And for the 34 million Americans who can’t afford it.  I just worry how it is going to affect dad and my brother and sister who all have jobs in healthcare.  Who knows?  It could be a boon.  34 more million Americans are going to be able to get care where they currently can’t.  I eagerly await to see how this is all going to unfold.  

All is Well in my Mind…

Is it the calm before the storm as what often happens?  I’ve felt so well mentally these past few days.  I woke up this morning with my mind so clear and alert.  Normally, it is clouded and muddled by mental illness.  I could grow to really enjoy this.

It is easy to think I am cured when I get like this.  I let my guard down and revel in this new found wellness.  I think my writing really shines when I get like this as well.  I am so easily able to put my thoughts down on “paper”.  The words just easily flow.  I guess that is why I wrote so much yesterday.  I worried about it, though.  I worried I wrote too much and people would grow tired of my rambling.  I had so much I wanted to say and I thought people wouldn’t be bothered to read it all.  So many of you mean so much to me and I appreciate the comments so very much.  Feedback is a good thing good or bad.  It is my Atlas Marker. 

I am very apprehensive about my shot, though, tomorrow.  I am embarrassed.  Two weeks ago, I had taken over 24 Benadryl before my shot.  “I am feeling really mixed up,” I told my nurse. She looked flabbergasted.   What did I say to her and how did I act?  I can’t remember.  All I remember is her putting me in a waiting room to see my doctor after my shot.  I remember my doctor calling dad, dad arriving, and they drug tested me.  I was really acting crazy.  “How you taken any Benadryl or drugs?” I remember my doctor looking deeply into my eyes and asking.  “No,” I said lying as I looked steadfastly back into his eyes not to give away my ruse. Tomorrow, I will go into the doctor’s office with my tail between my legs and hope for the best.  I just hope I didn’t scare my nurse.  Rebecca means so much to me and is always so kind.  

My Thoughts for the End of the Blogging Day…

My Heart Glows!

“I’ve got a lady named Beth reading my blog and she has a daughter with similar issues to me,” I told dad a moment ago. “She’s really opening my eyes to your side of the story and what parents go through.”

“She’s had it tough, hasn’t she?” dad said very intrigued as if he knew. 

“She doesn’t complain about her daughter,” I replied. “But I am getting glimpses of what it is like to be in your shoes.”

“I like I have an advocate on your blog now,” dad said. “You make me want to read again.”

Oh Lord! I don’t want dad reading my blog again, but I liked he showed some interest in it.  It is such an important aspect of my life.  I consider it therapy. 

Dad was in an awesome mood and so loving tonight which was irony coming on the heels of what I wrote about him today.  We cleaned off my porch so I could sit out there this spring and summer and listen to my radio shows on my iPod.

“I’m never going to let you go back to who you were,” dad told me when he was leaving.  “I am one determined son of a bitch and we are going to straighten you out.  Every time you fall, I am going to pick you back up!”

I was just glowing as dad got in the car and drove off.  I do so love him so very, very much.  I told him he was my Rock of Gibraltar. Dad really set the mood for the rest of the evening and I have just taken my medications to boot.  It is going to be a good night!

My Thoughts for the End of the Blogging Day…

My Heart Glows!

“I’ve got a lady named Beth reading my blog and she has a daughter with similar issues to me,” I told dad a moment ago. “She’s really opening my eyes to your side of the story and what parents go through.”

“She’s had it tough, hasn’t she?” dad said very intrigued as if he knew. 

“She doesn’t complain about her daughter,” I replied. “But I am getting glimpses of what it is like to be in your shoes.”

“I like I have an advocate on your blog now,” dad said. “You make me want to read again.”

Oh Lord! I don’t want dad reading my blog again, but I liked he showed some interest in it.  It is such an important aspect of my life.  I consider it therapy. 

Dad was in an awesome mood and so loving tonight which was irony coming on the heels of what I wrote about him today.  We cleaned off my porch so I could sit out there this spring and summer and listen to my radio shows on my iPod.

“I’m never going to let you go back to who you were,” dad told me when he was leaving.  “I am one determined son of a bitch and we are going to straighten you out.  Every time you fall, I am going to pick you back up!”

I was just glowing as dad got in the car and drove off.  I do so love him so very, very much.  I told him he was my Rock of Gibraltar. Dad really set the mood for the rest of the evening and I have just taken my medications to boot.  It is going to be a good night!

Lovely Flowers at Sunset on a Stormy Night…

Lovely Flowers at Sunset on a Stormy Night…

Too Much Babble Today…

I am sorry. I am babbling today.  I feel lonely and need to talk.  I am sitting in an AA chatroom, but it’s just not the same as my blog buddies.  You all know me so well.  I reveal so much on a daily basis.  I apologize.  I am going to sign off for the day and stay quiet.  I will probably be on Twitter, though.  Babbling is allowed and accepted there. LOL  Good day.

Too Much Babble Today…

I am sorry. I am babbling today.  I feel lonely and need to talk.  I am sitting in an AA chatroom, but it’s just not the same as my blog buddies.  You all know me so well.  I reveal so much on a daily basis.  I apologize.  I am going to sign off for the day and stay quiet.  I will probably be on Twitter, though.  Babbling is allowed and accepted there. LOL  Good day.

What it Means to Love…

I just left an online AA meeting where we discussed true and deep love for someone or something.  It centered on the love for new found sobriety and going to any length to obtain it.  It really made me think.  Will I do anything and everything for my sobriety like I used to do for a drink?  I can already find myself settling back into complacency about my sobriety.  I didn’t go to the 10am meeting this morning.  You better bet if someone told me to meet them for a case of beer at 10am then I would have been there.  I would have driven to Timbuktu.  Will I do anything and everything to stay sober?  I better start getting serious again!

I love certain things.  I realize now I never loved my wife.  I have no regrets or remorse over my failed marriage.  I was miserable.  I was drunk all the time and I felt my then wife exacerbated this. 

I love Maggie wholeheartedly, but it is so easy to love our pets.  They love us back unconditionally with little strings attached.  I love mom and dad.  I fear dad doesn’t love me, but sees about me due to his extreme sense of responsibility.  He loves my brother and sister and is very proud of them. They are both doctors and overwhelmingly successful.   I am just tolerated. The prodigal son.  

Mom loves me unconditionally.  You can see it in everything she does.  She worries about me all the time and feels this supreme sense of quilt that I inherited my mental illness from her and her side of the family.  I love her back and would do anything for her.  I don’t feel this for my father to that extreme.  My father has a mean streak from all he’s been through with mom and I and it is not easily forgotten.  Hugs are few and far between.  I guess I should just be proactive and ask for a hug instead of waiting for one.  Maybe he will melt some. 

What it Means to Love…

I just left an online AA meeting where we discussed true and deep love for someone or something.  It centered on the love for new found sobriety and going to any length to obtain it.  It really made me think.  Will I do anything and everything for my sobriety like I used to do for a drink?  I can already find myself settling back into complacency about my sobriety.  I didn’t go to the 10am meeting this morning.  You better bet if someone told me to meet them for a case of beer at 10am then I would have been there.  I would have driven to Timbuktu.  Will I do anything and everything to stay sober?  I better start getting serious again!

I love certain things.  I realize now I never loved my wife.  I have no regrets or remorse over my failed marriage.  I was miserable.  I was drunk all the time and I felt my then wife exacerbated this. 

I love Maggie wholeheartedly, but it is so easy to love our pets.  They love us back unconditionally with little strings attached.  I love mom and dad.  I fear dad doesn’t love me, but sees about me due to his extreme sense of responsibility.  He loves my brother and sister and is very proud of them. They are both doctors and overwhelmingly successful.   I am just tolerated. The prodigal son.  

Mom loves me unconditionally.  You can see it in everything she does.  She worries about me all the time and feels this supreme sense of quilt that I inherited my mental illness from her and her side of the family.  I love her back and would do anything for her.  I don’t feel this for my father to that extreme.  My father has a mean streak from all he’s been through with mom and I and it is not easily forgotten.  Hugs are few and far between.  I guess I should just be proactive and ask for a hug instead of waiting for one.  Maybe he will melt some. 

David Balser’s Onion Valley Mining and Lumber

David Balser’s Onion Valley Mining and Lumber

The Couch is a Good Place to Be!

The Couch is a Good Place to Be!

Caught With My Pants Down…

“You haven’t come to get your Cokes yet,” mom said a moment ago over the phone. “I thought maybe you were feeling mentally unwell.  Are you having panic attacks?”

I smiled sheepishly.  Little did mom know that I was there when the police left and the backdoor of their home was open.  Charlie let me get some cokes and we locked the door.  I didn’t tell mom and dad knowing they would get on to me. Dad swears I am the only man in the USA that can get high off of cokes.   I have felt guilty ever since.  Used to, I wouldn’t have given a shit so I guess my conscience is improving with sobriety and AA. I still drank the diet Cokes, though.

“Um,” I replied not wanting to lie. “Just put the cokes out and I will be over right now to pick them up.”

“What are you doing?” mom then asked.

“Listening to Kim Comando on Computers,” I replied.

“You love that AM talk radio,” she said.

I drove over to get my six Cokes for the day.  It was raining and it was nice.  I thought how lucky I was to be alive on the drive and experiencing this day.  I was feeling very, very, very mentally well.  I was really enjoying the moment.  It is a good day to be alive and I hope this feeling lasts me for the day.  If only everyday were like this.