I am a Fringe Person, Too!

• Kim went with me to Horsefly’s 39th birthday party last night.  She was so nervous about finally meeting all my family and Charlie’s family.  “They are going to think I am so fat!” she told me.  “They will just adore you,” I told her.  Things went fine and Kim was soon welcomed into my family as a new member. “She’s cute and has a good personality,” dad told me at one point pulling me to the side. “I am happy for you.”
• “Why aren’t you close to your brother and sister?” Kim asked on the drive home from Charlie’s as my  sister was there and we didn’t interact much. “I would love to have siblings.”  “I am a fringe person,” I told her. “They are extremely mainstream so we don’t have a lot in common.  My brother and sister rarely talk to my mother as well treating her with contempt for when she was very mentally ill years ago.” “That’s sad,” Kim replied. “Your mother is a wonderful person. I just love her to death!”  I sadly grew quiet in contemplation thinking about it as I took Kim home.  She remarked on my quietness saying sorry she brought the issue up.  We have a strange family was my conclusion.  We are just not a close concentric family like most others.
• Charlie is on a mission today to find me a new area rug for what was my old computer room.  The room looks so bare now that I have moved my computer desk into the den.  I am so excited as to what he will find today.  I have been very keen on getting my house looking better both inside and out.   He always has a few spares tucked away in some of the houses he owns in which he stores antiques and things.
• I bought five work shirts and work pants today.  I love khaki “Docksider” slacks as they are so comfortable.  Blue jeans are just too hot for right now at work.  Today will also be laundry day as I have a pile of it to do.  I will be busy washing, drying, ironing work shirts and pants today.
• Charlie is going ahead with buying the house next to mine where the former drug dealer lived.  He said last night he has already got the ball rolling.  Dad commented last night that it is going to be nice to extend my fence to that house to give Maggie more room to run.  Charlie said he is going to install a dog door in that house as well so Maggie can see him when he is over.  It reminds me of those elaborate hamster habitats we are building for Maggie.  She is going to have all kinds of new places and environments to explore.
• I had another wonderful day yesterday mentally.  It truly is a marvel to behold.  I haven’t really haven’t felt better in years and it bears repeating.  Last night, at Horsefly’s party, I was so calm and collected.  No anxiety what so ever although I did take two Klonopin before going just in case I would have an anxiety attack. Kim says I am a natural socially which is ironic.  I told her I am “good at getting on stage, but I feel awkward.”
• I still feed Joyce’s cat, Lucky, everyday when I get home from work.  He is waiting on me patiently every morning for his daily can of Tuna.  I’ve been leaving my basement door cracked and Lucky has been sleeping under my house these days where it is nice and cool during the heat of the day.  He wanders the neighborhood at night marking his territory I surmise.
• I am sadly losing momentum as far as my yard card business is concerned.  It has been so hot here lately and I absolutely dread getting out and knocking on doors to drum up business.  I should be out right now pulling my mower around to neighborhoods looking for work.  I now have eight regular customers, but I need many more to make it a viable business.  It doesn’t help that I have been a voracious book reader lately just consuming books one after the other.  My cool house, a book, and my Lazy Boy beckons every hot afternoon.
• George wrote today that he got into a vicious fight with his cellmate.  Apparently, his cellmate didn’t go to breakfast the other morning choosing to stay in the cell and drank several of George’s Cokes.  George said he as irate as he can only get six a week.  George wrote that all the other prisoners got to whooping and hollering, “Fight! Fight! Fight!”   Ah, prison drama.  It just never ends.
• Mrs. Florene calls me everyday almost.  She is so excited for September 9th to get here.  She asked me this morning if I thought they would parole George.  “With prison overpopulation and the relative minor-ness of George’s charges he should come home,” I told her optimistically.  I really need to get over to Florene’s house and see about George’s cars although George won’t be able to drive ever again unless it is illegally.  I am already envisioning scenarios where I will be George’s chauffer when he arrives home.  And what will George do about work with all those felony charges?  Mrs. Florene is going to have her hands full when he finally does get home from prison.
• One of my biggest disappointments in getting digital cable was BBCAmerica.  I was so looking for interesting British programming like they often show on public television.  I was sad when I realized Georgia Public Broadcasting had more British shows than BBCAmerica.  No Eastenders.  No British comedies. Nothing.  Just Top Gear and Star Trek:The Next Generation.  It has so much promise, but the almighty advertising dollar wins out over quirky and interesting British programming. 

I am a Fringe Person, Too!

• Kim went with me to Horsefly’s 39th birthday party last night.  She was so nervous about finally meeting all my family and Charlie’s family.  “They are going to think I am so fat!” she told me.  “They will just adore you,” I told her.  Things went fine and Kim was soon welcomed into my family as a new member. “She’s cute and has a good personality,” dad told me at one point pulling me to the side. “I am happy for you.”
• “Why aren’t you close to your brother and sister?” Kim asked on the drive home from Charlie’s as my  sister was there and we didn’t interact much. “I would love to have siblings.”  “I am a fringe person,” I told her. “They are extremely mainstream so we don’t have a lot in common.  My brother and sister rarely talk to my mother as well treating her with contempt for when she was very mentally ill years ago.” “That’s sad,” Kim replied. “Your mother is a wonderful person. I just love her to death!”  I sadly grew quiet in contemplation thinking about it as I took Kim home.  She remarked on my quietness saying sorry she brought the issue up.  We have a strange family was my conclusion.  We are just not a close concentric family like most others.
• Charlie is on a mission today to find me a new area rug for what was my old computer room.  The room looks so bare now that I have moved my computer desk into the den.  I am so excited as to what he will find today.  I have been very keen on getting my house looking better both inside and out.   He always has a few spares tucked away in some of the houses he owns in which he stores antiques and things.
• I bought five work shirts and work pants today.  I love khaki “Docksider” slacks as they are so comfortable.  Blue jeans are just too hot for right now at work.  Today will also be laundry day as I have a pile of it to do.  I will be busy washing, drying, ironing work shirts and pants today.
• Charlie is going ahead with buying the house next to mine where the former drug dealer lived.  He said last night he has already got the ball rolling.  Dad commented last night that it is going to be nice to extend my fence to that house to give Maggie more room to run.  Charlie said he is going to install a dog door in that house as well so Maggie can see him when he is over.  It reminds me of those elaborate hamster habitats we are building for Maggie.  She is going to have all kinds of new places and environments to explore.
• I had another wonderful day yesterday mentally.  It truly is a marvel to behold.  I haven’t really haven’t felt better in years and it bears repeating.  Last night, at Horsefly’s party, I was so calm and collected.  No anxiety what so ever although I did take two Klonopin before going just in case I would have an anxiety attack. Kim says I am a natural socially which is ironic.  I told her I am “good at getting on stage, but I feel awkward.”
• I still feed Joyce’s cat, Lucky, everyday when I get home from work.  He is waiting on me patiently every morning for his daily can of Tuna.  I’ve been leaving my basement door cracked and Lucky has been sleeping under my house these days where it is nice and cool during the heat of the day.  He wanders the neighborhood at night marking his territory I surmise.
• I am sadly losing momentum as far as my yard card business is concerned.  It has been so hot here lately and I absolutely dread getting out and knocking on doors to drum up business.  I should be out right now pulling my mower around to neighborhoods looking for work.  I now have eight regular customers, but I need many more to make it a viable business.  It doesn’t help that I have been a voracious book reader lately just consuming books one after the other.  My cool house, a book, and my Lazy Boy beckons every hot afternoon.
• George wrote today that he got into a vicious fight with his cellmate.  Apparently, his cellmate didn’t go to breakfast the other morning choosing to stay in the cell and drank several of George’s Cokes.  George said he as irate as he can only get six a week.  George wrote that all the other prisoners got to whooping and hollering, “Fight! Fight! Fight!”   Ah, prison drama.  It just never ends.
• Mrs. Florene calls me everyday almost.  She is so excited for September 9th to get here.  She asked me this morning if I thought they would parole George.  “With prison overpopulation and the relative minor-ness of George’s charges he should come home,” I told her optimistically.  I really need to get over to Florene’s house and see about George’s cars although George won’t be able to drive ever again unless it is illegally.  I am already envisioning scenarios where I will be George’s chauffer when he arrives home.  And what will George do about work with all those felony charges?  Mrs. Florene is going to have her hands full when he finally does get home from prison.
• One of my biggest disappointments in getting digital cable was BBCAmerica.  I was so looking for interesting British programming like they often show on public television.  I was sad when I realized Georgia Public Broadcasting had more British shows than BBCAmerica.  No Eastenders.  No British comedies. Nothing.  Just Top Gear and Star Trek:The Next Generation.  It has so much promise, but the almighty advertising dollar wins out over quirky and interesting British programming. 

Just for the Kitties to Maggie’s Chagrin…

• Mom called me as I was driving home from work.  “I bought 50 pounds of kitty litter on sale and I can’t get it in the house!” she told me.  I laughed.  Mom is so obsessive compulsive.  “Well, it was on sale and I had coupons and thought I would stock up.” I drove over and helped mom get the kitty litter in the house.  I heard Helen groan as I carried them into the pantry as changing the cat’s numerous litter boxes is her least favorite task.
• Mom and I then took my car to West Point Tire and Auto to get my oil changed and my brakes worked on.  She is insisting on paying for this despite me vehemently protesting.   She then brought me home and now I am without a car and it’s a good excuse just to goof off and not fool with my yard care business today.  We have all kinds of heat advisories out for today so sometimes things work out for the best.
• Kim said she wasn’t feeling good this morning when she arrived at work. “Bipolar related stuff,” she told me with a weak grin. “I couldn’t sleep last night worried about anything and everything.”  She said she is obsessing about starting a diet and joining Weight Watchers.  I told her she looks just fine like she is and didn’t need to change a thing.  “But I run out of breath walking the long walk into work,” she told me in reply.  I didn’t comment realizing I was on shaky ground.
• George wrote me today that my having regular sex now solved all my problems mentally.  I couldn’t help but laugh and shake my head as I read.  He has been saying that for years now.  George also wrote to tell me the blog is fantastic and fascinating.  He wants me send pictures of Kim. He said heavier women like Pookie and Kim make better lovers. “There’s more to love!” LOL!!!
• I haven’t been writing about Helen Friday’s as mom and dad are both on diets and Helen has been cooking the most bland diet food.  Low sodium. Low fat. Low taste.  Little color.  We have had baked chicken breasts for two weeks in a row now.  I hope today will be better and maybe I can put some pictures up of Helen’s cooking.
• I felt so well mentally yesterday that it was amazing.  It was probably the best day I have had in many, many years.  Today is proving to be the same with me feeling very well.   I find myself grinning alot these days and it is nice – taking joys out of the simple pleasures of life.  There is still some anxiety – mostly just anxiety about having anxiety oddly enough.  I actually have more anxiety these days about things going back to way they were and how miserable I was mentally.  It is a Catch-22 it seems.
• I visited 12 houses trying to mow lawns for my yardcare business yesterday.  Only one person wanted me to mow their lawn, but I left business cards with all the people I visited.  I am hoping to get some calls in a few weeks.  The business card idea was excellent!  Thanks to those of you that suggested it.  I also left a stack of business cards on the counter near the cash registers at my father’s pharmacy as well.  Maybe a few folks will pick up a card and call.
• I grow increasingly more aggravated at The Weather Channel at every passing day.  Today it was wall to wall grizzly bear attacks.  “What does this have to do with the weather?” I thought.  I was interested in seeing where the cold front was and how it was going to affect our weather the next few days. I never did find out where the cold front was after watching for over twenty minutes. They need to start calling themselves The Boring News Channel (with a dash of weather thrown in).  The Local on the Eights is their saving grace for me and the only real reason I watch these days.
• They have a zero percent chance for rain for us today.  That usually means the weather guessers have gotten it wrong and it will rain.  I am already seeing showers pop up on the radar a few counties away.  The high temperature is supposed to be 100 with a heat index of 110.  Scorching!
• I watched CNN and Fox News for awhile last night.  The news they report is so terrible, gossipy, and depressing.  I reminded myself why I don’t keep up with the news.  I have found if news is important, it finds me instead of me looking for it.    
• One thing I am learning about dating again is that women are extremely complicated and sensitive creatures.  I have to be so careful of what I say or do as not to cause hurt feelings or misunderstandings.  It can be a very delicate dance being in a relationship – especially since you are rusty after years of bachelorhood and being single.  Sometimes I feel like the proverbial bull in the china shop.  Kim is so emotional and I am not sure if it is just bipolar related or just a common symptom of most women as I have forgotten.  I tend to be much more laidback and let things roll off my back more easily relationship wise.  If Kim says something caustic to me, I will laugh not believing it.  if I do it to her, she will sulk and not talk to me.  You just can’t win sometimes.   
• I have gotten in the habit of driving over around 8pm to get my nightly diet Cokes.  I only allow myself six a day much to dad’s amazement.  He thought I would stay hopped up on caffeine all the time when I started working again. It is my most pleasurable ritual to wake up about 3:30am, drink my diet cokes, listen to Coast to Coast AM, and pace the floor vigorously.  I always open up the house to the outside and turn on my fan in the laundry room.  Such a nice way to start the day! 

Just for the Kitties to Maggie’s Chagrin…

• Mom called me as I was driving home from work.  “I bought 50 pounds of kitty litter on sale and I can’t get it in the house!” she told me.  I laughed.  Mom is so obsessive compulsive.  “Well, it was on sale and I had coupons and thought I would stock up.” I drove over and helped mom get the kitty litter in the house.  I heard Helen groan as I carried them into the pantry as changing the cat’s numerous litter boxes is her least favorite task.
• Mom and I then took my car to West Point Tire and Auto to get my oil changed and my brakes worked on.  She is insisting on paying for this despite me vehemently protesting.   She then brought me home and now I am without a car and it’s a good excuse just to goof off and not fool with my yard care business today.  We have all kinds of heat advisories out for today so sometimes things work out for the best.
• Kim said she wasn’t feeling good this morning when she arrived at work. “Bipolar related stuff,” she told me with a weak grin. “I couldn’t sleep last night worried about anything and everything.”  She said she is obsessing about starting a diet and joining Weight Watchers.  I told her she looks just fine like she is and didn’t need to change a thing.  “But I run out of breath walking the long walk into work,” she told me in reply.  I didn’t comment realizing I was on shaky ground.
• George wrote me today that my having regular sex now solved all my problems mentally.  I couldn’t help but laugh and shake my head as I read.  He has been saying that for years now.  George also wrote to tell me the blog is fantastic and fascinating.  He wants me send pictures of Kim. He said heavier women like Pookie and Kim make better lovers. “There’s more to love!” LOL!!!
• I haven’t been writing about Helen Friday’s as mom and dad are both on diets and Helen has been cooking the most bland diet food.  Low sodium. Low fat. Low taste.  Little color.  We have had baked chicken breasts for two weeks in a row now.  I hope today will be better and maybe I can put some pictures up of Helen’s cooking.
• I felt so well mentally yesterday that it was amazing.  It was probably the best day I have had in many, many years.  Today is proving to be the same with me feeling very well.   I find myself grinning alot these days and it is nice – taking joys out of the simple pleasures of life.  There is still some anxiety – mostly just anxiety about having anxiety oddly enough.  I actually have more anxiety these days about things going back to way they were and how miserable I was mentally.  It is a Catch-22 it seems.
• I visited 12 houses trying to mow lawns for my yardcare business yesterday.  Only one person wanted me to mow their lawn, but I left business cards with all the people I visited.  I am hoping to get some calls in a few weeks.  The business card idea was excellent!  Thanks to those of you that suggested it.  I also left a stack of business cards on the counter near the cash registers at my father’s pharmacy as well.  Maybe a few folks will pick up a card and call.
• I grow increasingly more aggravated at The Weather Channel at every passing day.  Today it was wall to wall grizzly bear attacks.  “What does this have to do with the weather?” I thought.  I was interested in seeing where the cold front was and how it was going to affect our weather the next few days. I never did find out where the cold front was after watching for over twenty minutes. They need to start calling themselves The Boring News Channel (with a dash of weather thrown in).  The Local on the Eights is their saving grace for me and the only real reason I watch these days.
• They have a zero percent chance for rain for us today.  That usually means the weather guessers have gotten it wrong and it will rain.  I am already seeing showers pop up on the radar a few counties away.  The high temperature is supposed to be 100 with a heat index of 110.  Scorching!
• I watched CNN and Fox News for awhile last night.  The news they report is so terrible, gossipy, and depressing.  I reminded myself why I don’t keep up with the news.  I have found if news is important, it finds me instead of me looking for it.    
• One thing I am learning about dating again is that women are extremely complicated and sensitive creatures.  I have to be so careful of what I say or do as not to cause hurt feelings or misunderstandings.  It can be a very delicate dance being in a relationship – especially since you are rusty after years of bachelorhood and being single.  Sometimes I feel like the proverbial bull in the china shop.  Kim is so emotional and I am not sure if it is just bipolar related or just a common symptom of most women as I have forgotten.  I tend to be much more laidback and let things roll off my back more easily relationship wise.  If Kim says something caustic to me, I will laugh not believing it.  if I do it to her, she will sulk and not talk to me.  You just can’t win sometimes.   
• I have gotten in the habit of driving over around 8pm to get my nightly diet Cokes.  I only allow myself six a day much to dad’s amazement.  He thought I would stay hopped up on caffeine all the time when I started working again. It is my most pleasurable ritual to wake up about 3:30am, drink my diet cokes, listen to Coast to Coast AM, and pace the floor vigorously.  I always open up the house to the outside and turn on my fan in the laundry room.  Such a nice way to start the day! 

The Great Overtake…

I just burst out laughing at something someone wrote on Twitter about the fog at Auckland's airport being joyous instead of terrible as usual. Yes, I have my laptop back in action with some new SDRAM and Kim and I were both lying on the bed browsing wirelessly. 

“What’s so funny?” Kim asked curiously.

“It’s a weather related joke,” I said still smiling.

“Ah, boring,” she replied. “I just don’t get your obsession with the weather.”

I looked over at Kim and her boobs were overtaking her laptop which was lying on her chest.  She is very, very large chested.   She had taken off her bra and put on one of my t-shirts before getting on the bed – glad to be out of her work clothes.  I burst out laughing again.

“What’s so funny now?” she asked.

“Your boobs are eating your laptop!” I replied with an air of teenage humor.

She looked down at her chest and burst out laughing.  We both laughed and laughed and I watched as she pushed the laptop further down her chest to clear her slowly spreading boobs. 

The Great Overtake…

I just burst out laughing at something someone wrote on Twitter about the fog at Auckland's airport being joyous instead of terrible as usual. Yes, I have my laptop back in action with some new SDRAM and Kim and I were both lying on the bed browsing wirelessly. 

“What’s so funny?” Kim asked curiously.

“It’s a weather related joke,” I said still smiling.

“Ah, boring,” she replied. “I just don’t get your obsession with the weather.”

I looked over at Kim and her boobs were overtaking her laptop which was lying on her chest.  She is very, very large chested.   She had taken off her bra and put on one of my t-shirts before getting on the bed – glad to be out of her work clothes.  I burst out laughing again.

“What’s so funny now?” she asked.

“Your boobs are eating your laptop!” I replied with an air of teenage humor.

She looked down at her chest and burst out laughing.  We both laughed and laughed and I watched as she pushed the laptop further down her chest to clear her slowly spreading boobs. 

Cumulus Field, How I Love Ya!

• The cumulus cloud field is already looking impressive for so early in the morning.  Storms are erupting in central Alabama this hour.  Maybe this is the harbinger of storms for later in the day.  I can only hope.
  
• My supervisor asked me to work an extra hour this morning.  The second shift guy said he was running late and wouldn’t be on time.  My manager has a terrible time finding reliable help to do my job.  I actually ended up goofing off for the hour with nothing to do.  I had gotten caught up pretty early today. Her worries were for naught.
  
• I spent my last hour talking to Derrick in electronics.  I know I’ve said it before, but he is so androgynous.  He looks like your stereotypical butch lesbian.  I seem to have this knack for filling my life with interesting fringe people.  We talked computer talk – mainly about computer gaming video cards and how far they’ve advanced in just a few short years.
  
• Kim loved her flowers.  She said the whole time she was married her husband never once sent her flowers.  She said the girls at work were so jealous and they said I was a keeper.  She also loved her gift certificate to get her manicure and pedicure.  She is going today to get them done when she gets off of work around four.  It made me feel like a million bucks to do that for her.  Sometimes giving can be better than getting I am learning.
  
• These “This and That” type posts are my version of lazy blogging.  I find them far easier and more pleasurable to write than my more “conversational” posts.  I am just being entirely lazy and will try to change that.
  
• George writes just about every day.  Today, I had two letters in the mailbox from him.  He was writing about his favorite times of the day being meal call when he got to leave his cell to be hustled to the prison cantina to eat.  He said breakfast is the best and his favorite meal although he never wants to eat powdered eggs again.  He also wrote his cellmate has been sulking with him for weeks now since he told him to shut up.  He said shopping in the commissary is also a pleasure and he has gotten hooked on caffeine from the sodas he buys every week.
  
• George also wrote of seeing the prison psychiatrist and he prescribed him a new drug to help with alcohol cravings for when he gets out of jail.  I wrote back to George this morning to write me all about how he feels on the drug once he starts taking it.  George said the drug was called Naltrexone and it comes in an injection.
  
• My business cards for my yardcare business arrived today.  I plan on passing them out to every house I visit today – putting them on doors of the houses that don’t answer.  Well, I better go get to work.  It is hot today, but I am feeling very able anxiety wise and better capitalize on this good feeling and get some work done.  I want 10 regular customers by next week.  That is my new goal.     

Cumulus Field, How I Love Ya!

• The cumulus cloud field is already looking impressive for so early in the morning.  Storms are erupting in central Alabama this hour.  Maybe this is the harbinger of storms for later in the day.  I can only hope.
  
• My supervisor asked me to work an extra hour this morning.  The second shift guy said he was running late and wouldn’t be on time.  My manager has a terrible time finding reliable help to do my job.  I actually ended up goofing off for the hour with nothing to do.  I had gotten caught up pretty early today. Her worries were for naught.
  
• I spent my last hour talking to Derrick in electronics.  I know I’ve said it before, but he is so androgynous.  He looks like your stereotypical butch lesbian.  I seem to have this knack for filling my life with interesting fringe people.  We talked computer talk – mainly about computer gaming video cards and how far they’ve advanced in just a few short years.
  
• Kim loved her flowers.  She said the whole time she was married her husband never once sent her flowers.  She said the girls at work were so jealous and they said I was a keeper.  She also loved her gift certificate to get her manicure and pedicure.  She is going today to get them done when she gets off of work around four.  It made me feel like a million bucks to do that for her.  Sometimes giving can be better than getting I am learning.
  
• These “This and That” type posts are my version of lazy blogging.  I find them far easier and more pleasurable to write than my more “conversational” posts.  I am just being entirely lazy and will try to change that.
  
• George writes just about every day.  Today, I had two letters in the mailbox from him.  He was writing about his favorite times of the day being meal call when he got to leave his cell to be hustled to the prison cantina to eat.  He said breakfast is the best and his favorite meal although he never wants to eat powdered eggs again.  He also wrote his cellmate has been sulking with him for weeks now since he told him to shut up.  He said shopping in the commissary is also a pleasure and he has gotten hooked on caffeine from the sodas he buys every week.
  
• George also wrote of seeing the prison psychiatrist and he prescribed him a new drug to help with alcohol cravings for when he gets out of jail.  I wrote back to George this morning to write me all about how he feels on the drug once he starts taking it.  George said the drug was called Naltrexone and it comes in an injection.
  
• My business cards for my yardcare business arrived today.  I plan on passing them out to every house I visit today – putting them on doors of the houses that don’t answer.  Well, I better go get to work.  It is hot today, but I am feeling very able anxiety wise and better capitalize on this good feeling and get some work done.  I want 10 regular customers by next week.  That is my new goal.     

More This and That…

• Things are going really well these days.  I haven’t felt better in many years – basically my whole life.  My outlook on life is so optimistic these days.  I feel the world is my oyster.  I am still having some anxiety, but it is manageable with my new medications.  The Paxil is working wonders for my social anxiety.  I am feeling so gregarious and adventurous socially these days.
• Kim and Sadie stayed over all day yesterday afternoon after she got off of work.  Our only trip was to the grocery store to get some Stouffer’s lasagna and Texas toast for supper.  She was much more upbeat than the night previously.  Kim brought her laptop and we both spent a bunch of time on the Internet just enjoying each other’s presence in the room.  She and I both just relaxed.  It was nice.
• I took down the video of me because I thought it was too voyeuristic and stupid.  I felt self conscious about it.  It was also poor quality and I didn’t put much effort into fixing that.
• The manager of Kroger called me yesterday asking if I had changed my mind about the job.  He said he was really impressed with my interview.  That made me feel good, but I told him I better stay at Wal-Mart for the time being.  I am absolutely loving my hours at work.  I am such an early morning person.  Late afternoons are when I have the most problems anxiety wise.
• Now that I have control of my medications, I am finding it hard to resist not to take an extra Klonopin or two at the slightest hint of anxiety.  I know I must resist as I will run out of pills at the end of the month and need them to successfully work my job and make it through the day.
• It is the perfect temperature in my house right now at 79 degrees.  I have all my windows and doors open to the outside world and am enjoying listening to Coast to Coast AM and all the nighttime insects.  The chorus of a Southern summer night is so beautiful and music to my ears.
• I am so glad Mary K is back to writing her other blog about her experiences with diabetes and RA.  I feel like I am getting to know her better through that blog.  I want to share with her her experiences and her trials and tribulations.
• For months, I have been using Windows Vista which came with my Dell. I installed Windows 7 last night and am giving it another try.  My computer wasn’t sleeping successfully with Vista and now that is fixed.  Thank goodness!
• I only slept 4 hours tonight, but it was a sound sleep.  I slept so hard that I didn’t move all night and my hip is hurting from sleeping on it too hard.  I had a pillow between my legs and never rolled over. 
• Mrs. Florene called me last night with the wonderful news that George goes in front of the parole board on Thursday, September 9th.  We are keeping our fingers crossed that they will parole him.  George had a lot of felony charges, but he has been a model prisoner.  I want my best friend home safe and sound and back to his old, crazy ways.  He will have to wear an alcohol monitoring device for 6 months Mrs. Florene said. 
• Dad has really lightened up about me and my new life.  He told me last night that he loved me dearly and just wants me to be happy.  “I’ve been too hard on you,” he said. “I am sorry.  I’ve put too much pressure on you over the years.”
• Dad bought the biggest LCD big screen television you have ever seen.  It is truly a marvel.  The only problem?  He can’t figure out how to turn in on most of the time.  That made me laugh when he had me drive over late last night to show him how to turn on the digital cable and the TV.  I am still astounded he can turn on his computer and get on the Internet. 
• After work, I plan on focusing my efforts today and drumming up more customers for my yardcare business.  I now have 7 regular customers that get their lawn’s mowed every two weeks.  I want be eventually busy enough that I mow lawns everyday and not just a few days every two weeks.  When my lawn care business gets so busy as to support me fulltime then I will quit my job at Wal-Mart.  This will probably take a year, though, I surmise.  I want to be my own boss so badly.  Just like my father.  I’ve got a lot of him in me much to his chagrin. :-)
• Derrick, the guy from work who works in electronics, called me yesterday asking about my new processor.  I fell over myself telling him about my new “VelociRaptor” drive on the way.  He was intrigued that I like to upgrade my computers myself much like him.  He is a big gamer, though, which I am not.  I just can’t play video games these days.  They bore me intensely.  Too tedious!  It is nice having a guy friend to talk to that has similar interests as me.  He has become a good friend.  
• Well, it is 4:15am and I better get dressed and ready for work.  I will write again this afternoon most likely.  I have goofed off enough for the morning.

More This and That…

• Things are going really well these days.  I haven’t felt better in many years – basically my whole life.  My outlook on life is so optimistic these days.  I feel the world is my oyster.  I am still having some anxiety, but it is manageable with my new medications.  The Paxil is working wonders for my social anxiety.  I am feeling so gregarious and adventurous socially these days.
• Kim and Sadie stayed over all day yesterday afternoon after she got off of work.  Our only trip was to the grocery store to get some Stouffer’s lasagna and Texas toast for supper.  She was much more upbeat than the night previously.  Kim brought her laptop and we both spent a bunch of time on the Internet just enjoying each other’s presence in the room.  She and I both just relaxed.  It was nice.
• I took down the video of me because I thought it was too voyeuristic and stupid.  I felt self conscious about it.  It was also poor quality and I didn’t put much effort into fixing that.
• The manager of Kroger called me yesterday asking if I had changed my mind about the job.  He said he was really impressed with my interview.  That made me feel good, but I told him I better stay at Wal-Mart for the time being.  I am absolutely loving my hours at work.  I am such an early morning person.  Late afternoons are when I have the most problems anxiety wise.
• Now that I have control of my medications, I am finding it hard to resist not to take an extra Klonopin or two at the slightest hint of anxiety.  I know I must resist as I will run out of pills at the end of the month and need them to successfully work my job and make it through the day.
• It is the perfect temperature in my house right now at 79 degrees.  I have all my windows and doors open to the outside world and am enjoying listening to Coast to Coast AM and all the nighttime insects.  The chorus of a Southern summer night is so beautiful and music to my ears.
• I am so glad Mary K is back to writing her other blog about her experiences with diabetes and RA.  I feel like I am getting to know her better through that blog.  I want to share with her her experiences and her trials and tribulations.
• For months, I have been using Windows Vista which came with my Dell. I installed Windows 7 last night and am giving it another try.  My computer wasn’t sleeping successfully with Vista and now that is fixed.  Thank goodness!
• I only slept 4 hours tonight, but it was a sound sleep.  I slept so hard that I didn’t move all night and my hip is hurting from sleeping on it too hard.  I had a pillow between my legs and never rolled over. 
• Mrs. Florene called me last night with the wonderful news that George goes in front of the parole board on Thursday, September 9th.  We are keeping our fingers crossed that they will parole him.  George had a lot of felony charges, but he has been a model prisoner.  I want my best friend home safe and sound and back to his old, crazy ways.  He will have to wear an alcohol monitoring device for 6 months Mrs. Florene said. 
• Dad has really lightened up about me and my new life.  He told me last night that he loved me dearly and just wants me to be happy.  “I’ve been too hard on you,” he said. “I am sorry.  I’ve put too much pressure on you over the years.”
• Dad bought the biggest LCD big screen television you have ever seen.  It is truly a marvel.  The only problem?  He can’t figure out how to turn in on most of the time.  That made me laugh when he had me drive over late last night to show him how to turn on the digital cable and the TV.  I am still astounded he can turn on his computer and get on the Internet. 
• After work, I plan on focusing my efforts today and drumming up more customers for my yardcare business.  I now have 7 regular customers that get their lawn’s mowed every two weeks.  I want be eventually busy enough that I mow lawns everyday and not just a few days every two weeks.  When my lawn care business gets so busy as to support me fulltime then I will quit my job at Wal-Mart.  This will probably take a year, though, I surmise.  I want to be my own boss so badly.  Just like my father.  I’ve got a lot of him in me much to his chagrin. :-)
• Derrick, the guy from work who works in electronics, called me yesterday asking about my new processor.  I fell over myself telling him about my new “VelociRaptor” drive on the way.  He was intrigued that I like to upgrade my computers myself much like him.  He is a big gamer, though, which I am not.  I just can’t play video games these days.  They bore me intensely.  Too tedious!  It is nice having a guy friend to talk to that has similar interests as me.  He has become a good friend.  
• Well, it is 4:15am and I better get dressed and ready for work.  I will write again this afternoon most likely.  I have goofed off enough for the morning.

Insomnia Strikes!

I just couldn’t sleep tonight. I slept for two hours and woke up with a headache. I got up, fixed breakfast, and took a shower.  It is now 3:30am.  I have to be at work in an hour and a half. It is going to be a tiresome and long four hours this morning.  I hope I can sleep when I get home.  I am lucky my second job affords flexible hours.

Kim also called late last night as I was laying in the bed reading.  It didn’t help matters as what she said made me worry about her.

“I’m depressed,” she told me.  “I have the dooms and glooms.”

“Do you want to come over with me and Maggie?” I asked.

“I’m already in my pajamas in the bed,” she said. “Sadie’s already settled in for the night.”

We talked for about an hour with the hopes it would cheer her up.  We talked a lot about her bipolar disorder which causes great swings of ups and downs.  She was explicitly honest with me about her past and her kids – a subject we haven’t touched upon very much with me being too shy to press the issue.  Her mother got custody of her two daughters by declaring her mentally incompetent in court when she was very, very ill mentally she said.  Her ex-husband is still in the military overseas in Afghanistan and thus couldn’t take custody of the kids. 

“It’s all so complicated,” Kim told me crying into the phone. “I miss my girls.”

I tried my best to comfort her telling her how drastically my life has changed in a month and the she, too, could change things and get her daughters back with some determination.

“I love you so much,” she told me. “You’re my inspiration.  My life has been so much better with you in it.”

My heart melted as I told her I loved her back and thanked her for the kind words.

“What would you like to do tomorrow that would make you feel better?” I asked before shortly getting off the phone to try and get some broken sleep.

“I just want to spend the day with you when I get off.  I want to make out and make love and drink lots of wine.  I want to throw caution to the wind.”

I told her her wish was my command and we got off the phone.  I lay in the bed for the longest time with my book on my chest thinking about what just transpired.  We all live so complicated lives.  Nothing ever seems to be easy but for only the lucky few.  I am just thankful to have Kim in my life and with that I bid you adieu.   I will write again after work before bed!

Insomnia Strikes!

I just couldn’t sleep tonight. I slept for two hours and woke up with a headache. I got up, fixed breakfast, and took a shower.  It is now 3:30am.  I have to be at work in an hour and a half. It is going to be a tiresome and long four hours this morning.  I hope I can sleep when I get home.  I am lucky my second job affords flexible hours.

Kim also called late last night as I was laying in the bed reading.  It didn’t help matters as what she said made me worry about her.

“I’m depressed,” she told me.  “I have the dooms and glooms.”

“Do you want to come over with me and Maggie?” I asked.

“I’m already in my pajamas in the bed,” she said. “Sadie’s already settled in for the night.”

We talked for about an hour with the hopes it would cheer her up.  We talked a lot about her bipolar disorder which causes great swings of ups and downs.  She was explicitly honest with me about her past and her kids – a subject we haven’t touched upon very much with me being too shy to press the issue.  Her mother got custody of her two daughters by declaring her mentally incompetent in court when she was very, very ill mentally she said.  Her ex-husband is still in the military overseas in Afghanistan and thus couldn’t take custody of the kids. 

“It’s all so complicated,” Kim told me crying into the phone. “I miss my girls.”

I tried my best to comfort her telling her how drastically my life has changed in a month and the she, too, could change things and get her daughters back with some determination.

“I love you so much,” she told me. “You’re my inspiration.  My life has been so much better with you in it.”

My heart melted as I told her I loved her back and thanked her for the kind words.

“What would you like to do tomorrow that would make you feel better?” I asked before shortly getting off the phone to try and get some broken sleep.

“I just want to spend the day with you when I get off.  I want to make out and make love and drink lots of wine.  I want to throw caution to the wind.”

I told her her wish was my command and we got off the phone.  I lay in the bed for the longest time with my book on my chest thinking about what just transpired.  We all live so complicated lives.  Nothing ever seems to be easy but for only the lucky few.  I am just thankful to have Kim in my life and with that I bid you adieu.   I will write again after work before bed!

Recapping the Day…

• A few months ago, I listened to all the Twilight series on audiobook which I downloaded on iTunes and put on my iPod.  I’ve been hoping to read the books patiently waiting on mom to finish them and pass them down to me.  I think reading will be a more pleasurable and visceral experience.  Mom had the first book in the bag with my diet Cokes tonight.  I will start reading when I go to bed.  I can’t wait to read again about my favorite emo vampire, Edward Cullen. 
• I called dad and pitched him the idea of getting that new 600gb “VelociRaptor” harddrive with the leverage that he didn’t have to buy me a plane ticket to Washington D.C.  He fell for it thankfully.  He said he would get Tricia to order it this week sometime.  It is going to cost $268 dollars.  Expensive!  It is an extremely cutting edge technology drive, though.
• The brake light come on in my car tonight as Kim and I were driving to Sonic for supper.  Thankfully, all I needed was some brake fluid and a quick trip to AutoZone fixed that.  My brakes need servicing soon though as my wear indicators are squealing. I will do them myself most likely.  I’ve always done them on all the previous cars I’ve owned.  A Honda shouldn’t be much different.  I will just buy the shoes and pads at AutoZone.
• As I mentioned previously, Kim and I went to Sonic for supper.  I got a coney dog and tots and the only thing Kim ate was a banana split.  Dating is expensive I am learning.  Women are hard work!
• I had a little bit of anxiety this afternoon and fell into my old mentally ill ways of pacing the floor for hours.  My legs are so sore I can barely stand.  I hid this from Kim.  I don’t want to come across as crazy.  I chalk it up to withdrawal from all those medications I was on for years.  There are going to be a few hiccups down the road of progress I fear.
• Speaking of medications, next Tuesday will mark the first Tuesday in six years that I haven’t received my antipsychotic injection in the old derrière.  This was dad’s method of “social control” for me to keep me sleepy, quiet, and complacent.  He will be freaking out come next week no doubt.  I won’t hear the end of it.  I will jump that hurdle when it arises.  I will go from 6mg a day down to the 3mg my psychiatrist has me currently taking for withdrawal reasons.  We will slowly titrate that down to zero over the coming weeks.
• Dad is still insisting on paying for my cigarettes out of his own money to not pay for them with my disability money.  He said tonight we shouldn’t be paying for addictions with the government’s money.  I reminded him tonight that it was my money.  Disability is an insurance and I paid thousands in taxes in all the decades I managed to work successfully.  This also strikes me as completely odd as I can pay for them myself these days.  That’s $38 dollars a week I am not having to spend.  Dad has his moments although he can be so hard on me.
• Kim also smokes.  A fact I was shy to reveal on the blog not to put her in a bad light.  I strike it up to her bipolar disorder.  So many mentally ill people smoke.  She has an addictive personality like me.  We both have to be careful with our inclinations.    
• I ordered a mixed bouquet of flowers from Mrs. Sandra’s florist to be delivered tomorrow to the jewelry counter at Wal-Mart.  I hope Kim enjoys them and it thrills her.  I want to show off like that peacock I have mentioned flaring his feathers. I wrote on the little card that she has changed my life immensely for the better and brought me immeasurable joy.

Recapping the Day…

• A few months ago, I listened to all the Twilight series on audiobook which I downloaded on iTunes and put on my iPod.  I’ve been hoping to read the books patiently waiting on mom to finish them and pass them down to me.  I think reading will be a more pleasurable and visceral experience.  Mom had the first book in the bag with my diet Cokes tonight.  I will start reading when I go to bed.  I can’t wait to read again about my favorite emo vampire, Edward Cullen. 
• I called dad and pitched him the idea of getting that new 600gb “VelociRaptor” harddrive with the leverage that he didn’t have to buy me a plane ticket to Washington D.C.  He fell for it thankfully.  He said he would get Tricia to order it this week sometime.  It is going to cost $268 dollars.  Expensive!  It is an extremely cutting edge technology drive, though.
• The brake light come on in my car tonight as Kim and I were driving to Sonic for supper.  Thankfully, all I needed was some brake fluid and a quick trip to AutoZone fixed that.  My brakes need servicing soon though as my wear indicators are squealing. I will do them myself most likely.  I’ve always done them on all the previous cars I’ve owned.  A Honda shouldn’t be much different.  I will just buy the shoes and pads at AutoZone.
• As I mentioned previously, Kim and I went to Sonic for supper.  I got a coney dog and tots and the only thing Kim ate was a banana split.  Dating is expensive I am learning.  Women are hard work!
• I had a little bit of anxiety this afternoon and fell into my old mentally ill ways of pacing the floor for hours.  My legs are so sore I can barely stand.  I hid this from Kim.  I don’t want to come across as crazy.  I chalk it up to withdrawal from all those medications I was on for years.  There are going to be a few hiccups down the road of progress I fear.
• Speaking of medications, next Tuesday will mark the first Tuesday in six years that I haven’t received my antipsychotic injection in the old derrière.  This was dad’s method of “social control” for me to keep me sleepy, quiet, and complacent.  He will be freaking out come next week no doubt.  I won’t hear the end of it.  I will jump that hurdle when it arises.  I will go from 6mg a day down to the 3mg my psychiatrist has me currently taking for withdrawal reasons.  We will slowly titrate that down to zero over the coming weeks.
• Dad is still insisting on paying for my cigarettes out of his own money to not pay for them with my disability money.  He said tonight we shouldn’t be paying for addictions with the government’s money.  I reminded him tonight that it was my money.  Disability is an insurance and I paid thousands in taxes in all the decades I managed to work successfully.  This also strikes me as completely odd as I can pay for them myself these days.  That’s $38 dollars a week I am not having to spend.  Dad has his moments although he can be so hard on me.
• Kim also smokes.  A fact I was shy to reveal on the blog not to put her in a bad light.  I strike it up to her bipolar disorder.  So many mentally ill people smoke.  She has an addictive personality like me.  We both have to be careful with our inclinations.    
• I ordered a mixed bouquet of flowers from Mrs. Sandra’s florist to be delivered tomorrow to the jewelry counter at Wal-Mart.  I hope Kim enjoys them and it thrills her.  I want to show off like that peacock I have mentioned flaring his feathers. I wrote on the little card that she has changed my life immensely for the better and brought me immeasurable joy.

This Made Me Bust Out Laughing – God Bless the Onion…

Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon

GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commissioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal madwoman made a daring escape from Arkham Asylum last week and has been taunting authorities by interrupting television broadcasts ever since. "If you ever want to see Commissioner Gordon again, you'll do exactly as I say," Lady Gaga said from her secret lair, adjusting her angular yellow Tyvek and spandex dress as henchmen danced menacingly around the bound commissioner. While the kidnapping occurred at stately Wayne Manor, home of playboy jet-setter Bruce Wayne, the eccentric billionaire was not available for comment.

This Made Me Bust Out Laughing – God Bless the Onion…

Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon

GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commissioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal madwoman made a daring escape from Arkham Asylum last week and has been taunting authorities by interrupting television broadcasts ever since. "If you ever want to see Commissioner Gordon again, you'll do exactly as I say," Lady Gaga said from her secret lair, adjusting her angular yellow Tyvek and spandex dress as henchmen danced menacingly around the bound commissioner. While the kidnapping occurred at stately Wayne Manor, home of playboy jet-setter Bruce Wayne, the eccentric billionaire was not available for comment.

Wonderful, Beautiful Computer Hardware Parts!

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Thermal Matters…

I left work at nine and drove directly to Auburn to buy some thermal compound for my processor.  I thought I had a full tube of Arctic Silver, but it was empty.  I couldn’t install my processor without it.   I reluctantly came back to the Valley to start the job at my Benefactor’s house.  I really wanted to come home and play, but work beckoned.  Installing my processor would have to wait.  As I  had expected, it was a hot and sweaty job requiring lots of physical exertion.  I earned every bit of the $50 dollars my Benefactor paid me.

“You work hard and very fast,” my Benefactor told me at one point as he stood in the backyard nosily surveying my efforts.

“I can’t wait to get home,” I told him. “I have a new toy to play with. Computer related stuff.”

“I don’t get all these new fangled computers,” he replied. “All you hear about on TV these days is dot com this and dot com that.”

I smiled at his obsolescence and continued to chop down underbrush.  

I then rushed home so excited to get into some computer work – immediately removing the cover off my computer case.  I carefully removed the heatsink. Uninstalled the old processor which will be sold on EBay.  And proceeded to install the new one.  I then applied a razor thin layer of thermal paste and put back on the heatsink.  Everything went flawlessly and I was so relieved when the BIOS on my motherboard recognized the new processor after a quick BIOS update and my computer booted up without a hitch.  FAST!  Is all I can say.  I effectively have 12 GHz of processing power now.  Applications open almost instantly – the only bottleneck being my harddrive and I already have plans on replacing that tonight which I will run by dad when he gets off of work.  I want to order a new extremely fast 600gb velociraptor drive and will get dad to pay for it out of my disability money under the guise that he would have spent that money to buy me a plane ticket to Washington if I went.  I am going to have a blazing fast and updated computer when all is said and done before long.

Wasabi Nights…

Last night was very, very nice.  It is so nice to have a companion to spend time with and do things.  Kim and I went out to eat at the new sushi restaurant downtown.  I am still astounded that our little town has a sushi house.  The new Kia plant is working wonders for our local economy.  As Charlie said the other day, downtown is thriving these days after being dead for decades.  

“You are really adept at those chopsticks,” Kim told me as I dipped a tuna roll in a little ornate square dish of wasabi sauce.

“Rachel was obsessed with all things Asian,” I told her of my ex-wife making conversation as I chewed my food. “We often ate out at Asian restaurants and she cooked lots of Asian themed food.  Rachel kept a set of formal ivory chopsticks at home for when we ate.  She kept saying we were going to get remarried and would order fancy wedding kimonos off of EBay spending a fortune.”

“She sounded like an interesting lady,” Kim replied with an air of jealously.

“Yes, she was. She was an interesting woman,” I told her. “But she was also completely nuts!”

I chuckled as I shook my head and ate another bite of food.

Kim laughed. “Like me?”

“No, you are not nuts,” I replied. “You are just perfect in my book. Rachel makes you look completely sane!”

After our meal, we went and got Sadie and Kim’s Eclipse, and brought Sadie to my house so her and Maggie could play.  Kim ended up spending the night over at my house and you should have seen us all piled in my queen sized bed – dogs and all.  We were the crew!  I got one of the better nights of sleep I have had in ages listening to the dogs snore and sigh softly overnight.  I told Kim she and Sadie should stay over more often.

“I don’t want you to go to work!” she told me pouting this morning as I crawled out of the bed at four AM to shower, shave, and fix some breakfast.  “I want you to stay in bed with me.”

“I would love nothing more than to just throw the covers back over my head and sleep till noon.  Just leave the door unlocked when you leave for work,” I told her as I kissed her on the cheek as her and the dogs went back to sleep.  I headed to work.  It was the first time I didn’t want to go into work in the three weeks since I started working at Wal-Mart.  Pleasanter things were in store at home.

I Need a Better Brew…

Kim looked in my fridge last night to put in a bottle of wine to chill and she noticed my six pack of Schlitz malt liquor I had bought previously in the day.  I reached in, grabbed one, and took a drink – my sunset brew for the day.

“How can you drink that stuff?” she asked. “Only winos and Billy Dee Williams drink malt liquor.”

I burst out laughing at the Billy Dee Williams reference and those old Colt 45 malt liquor commercials.

“Malt liquor is sweeter than beer and less carbonated,” I told her. “I kind of like it.  It’s a throwback to when George and I would drink all the time.  Everything I know about drinking I learned from George.”

“What’s your favorite beer?” Kim asked.

“Heineken by far,” I replied. “I also like Grolsch, but they are so expensive, I can’t afford them or I should say I am too cheap to buy them.  Schlitz is only $2.99 a 6-pack.”

“I am going to start buying you a six pack of Heineken every few days so you won’t drink that junk,” Kim told me. “I don’t want you to be like a wino.”

I laughed. That would be nice I thought – nice not to be like a wino.  Although, I don’t need any nefarious influences as far as my drinking is concerned.  I find myself able to drink two or three beers and be satisfied, though, these days.  Dad would just die if he knew I had a girlfriend who is buying me Heineken.  That would be the horror of all horrors for him. 

Brownie Points…

I thought I would do something special for Kim today.  I am going to swing by the nail salon and get her a gift certificate to get a manicure and a pedicure.  I think she will really be surprised and like that.  She often says she likes to get it done, but it’s expensive.  I am going to give her a treat.  That fifty dollars I worked so hard for today will pay for it I hope.  I have no idea how much it will cost. 

I would also like to get her some flowers, but I don’t know what to get.  I thought roses would be too ostentatious.  The last time I bought flowers was a dozen roses for my ex-wife when we were dating.  I sent them to the restaurant she was working at.  Would it seem too sappy for me to get Kim flowers?  I hope not.  I am going to give it a try and see how she reacts.

George Gets His Magazines…

George wrote today that he received the first issues of his magazines already.  “There’s a lot of shit going on in the world that I didn’t know about,” he wrote of reading Time.  George’s letters have been more upbeat lately with more confirmation that he will most likely be paroled come September or October.  Florene and I are praying for September and it has been a big topic of discussion between us – us both growing excited at every passing day.   We both can’t wait for fall to get here.  It all depends on when George goes in front of the parole board. 

Wonderful, Beautiful Computer Hardware Parts!

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Thermal Matters…

I left work at nine and drove directly to Auburn to buy some thermal compound for my processor.  I thought I had a full tube of Arctic Silver, but it was empty.  I couldn’t install my processor without it.   I reluctantly came back to the Valley to start the job at my Benefactor’s house.  I really wanted to come home and play, but work beckoned.  Installing my processor would have to wait.  As I  had expected, it was a hot and sweaty job requiring lots of physical exertion.  I earned every bit of the $50 dollars my Benefactor paid me.

“You work hard and very fast,” my Benefactor told me at one point as he stood in the backyard nosily surveying my efforts.

“I can’t wait to get home,” I told him. “I have a new toy to play with. Computer related stuff.”

“I don’t get all these new fangled computers,” he replied. “All you hear about on TV these days is dot com this and dot com that.”

I smiled at his obsolescence and continued to chop down underbrush.  

I then rushed home so excited to get into some computer work – immediately removing the cover off my computer case.  I carefully removed the heatsink. Uninstalled the old processor which will be sold on EBay.  And proceeded to install the new one.  I then applied a razor thin layer of thermal paste and put back on the heatsink.  Everything went flawlessly and I was so relieved when the BIOS on my motherboard recognized the new processor after a quick BIOS update and my computer booted up without a hitch.  FAST!  Is all I can say.  I effectively have 12 GHz of processing power now.  Applications open almost instantly – the only bottleneck being my harddrive and I already have plans on replacing that tonight which I will run by dad when he gets off of work.  I want to order a new extremely fast 600gb velociraptor drive and will get dad to pay for it out of my disability money under the guise that he would have spent that money to buy me a plane ticket to Washington if I went.  I am going to have a blazing fast and updated computer when all is said and done before long.

Wasabi Nights…

Last night was very, very nice.  It is so nice to have a companion to spend time with and do things.  Kim and I went out to eat at the new sushi restaurant downtown.  I am still astounded that our little town has a sushi house.  The new Kia plant is working wonders for our local economy.  As Charlie said the other day, downtown is thriving these days after being dead for decades.  

“You are really adept at those chopsticks,” Kim told me as I dipped a tuna roll in a little ornate square dish of wasabi sauce.

“Rachel was obsessed with all things Asian,” I told her of my ex-wife making conversation as I chewed my food. “We often ate out at Asian restaurants and she cooked lots of Asian themed food.  Rachel kept a set of formal ivory chopsticks at home for when we ate.  She kept saying we were going to get remarried and would order fancy wedding kimonos off of EBay spending a fortune.”

“She sounded like an interesting lady,” Kim replied with an air of jealously.

“Yes, she was. She was an interesting woman,” I told her. “But she was also completely nuts!”

I chuckled as I shook my head and ate another bite of food.

Kim laughed. “Like me?”

“No, you are not nuts,” I replied. “You are just perfect in my book. Rachel makes you look completely sane!”

After our meal, we went and got Sadie and Kim’s Eclipse, and brought Sadie to my house so her and Maggie could play.  Kim ended up spending the night over at my house and you should have seen us all piled in my queen sized bed – dogs and all.  We were the crew!  I got one of the better nights of sleep I have had in ages listening to the dogs snore and sigh softly overnight.  I told Kim she and Sadie should stay over more often.

“I don’t want you to go to work!” she told me pouting this morning as I crawled out of the bed at four AM to shower, shave, and fix some breakfast.  “I want you to stay in bed with me.”

“I would love nothing more than to just throw the covers back over my head and sleep till noon.  Just leave the door unlocked when you leave for work,” I told her as I kissed her on the cheek as her and the dogs went back to sleep.  I headed to work.  It was the first time I didn’t want to go into work in the three weeks since I started working at Wal-Mart.  Pleasanter things were in store at home.

I Need a Better Brew…

Kim looked in my fridge last night to put in a bottle of wine to chill and she noticed my six pack of Schlitz malt liquor I had bought previously in the day.  I reached in, grabbed one, and took a drink – my sunset brew for the day.

“How can you drink that stuff?” she asked. “Only winos and Billy Dee Williams drink malt liquor.”

I burst out laughing at the Billy Dee Williams reference and those old Colt 45 malt liquor commercials.

“Malt liquor is sweeter than beer and less carbonated,” I told her. “I kind of like it.  It’s a throwback to when George and I would drink all the time.  Everything I know about drinking I learned from George.”

“What’s your favorite beer?” Kim asked.

“Heineken by far,” I replied. “I also like Grolsch, but they are so expensive, I can’t afford them or I should say I am too cheap to buy them.  Schlitz is only $2.99 a 6-pack.”

“I am going to start buying you a six pack of Heineken every few days so you won’t drink that junk,” Kim told me. “I don’t want you to be like a wino.”

I laughed. That would be nice I thought – nice not to be like a wino.  Although, I don’t need any nefarious influences as far as my drinking is concerned.  I find myself able to drink two or three beers and be satisfied, though, these days.  Dad would just die if he knew I had a girlfriend who is buying me Heineken.  That would be the horror of all horrors for him. 

Brownie Points…

I thought I would do something special for Kim today.  I am going to swing by the nail salon and get her a gift certificate to get a manicure and a pedicure.  I think she will really be surprised and like that.  She often says she likes to get it done, but it’s expensive.  I am going to give her a treat.  That fifty dollars I worked so hard for today will pay for it I hope.  I have no idea how much it will cost. 

I would also like to get her some flowers, but I don’t know what to get.  I thought roses would be too ostentatious.  The last time I bought flowers was a dozen roses for my ex-wife when we were dating.  I sent them to the restaurant she was working at.  Would it seem too sappy for me to get Kim flowers?  I hope not.  I am going to give it a try and see how she reacts.

George Gets His Magazines…

George wrote today that he received the first issues of his magazines already.  “There’s a lot of shit going on in the world that I didn’t know about,” he wrote of reading Time.  George’s letters have been more upbeat lately with more confirmation that he will most likely be paroled come September or October.  Florene and I are praying for September and it has been a big topic of discussion between us – us both growing excited at every passing day.   We both can’t wait for fall to get here.  It all depends on when George goes in front of the parole board. 

Light Show!

Light Show!

Super Excited! Big Storms Around! Hearing Thunder Now!

Thunder Booming!

Super Excited! Big Storms Around! Hearing Thunder Now!

Thunder Booming!

Bad Me, I Put Off Working…

My Benefactor just called last hour.

“Can you come and trim some undergrowth?” he asked. “I will pay you $50 dollars to do it.”

This will probably be the last bit of work available to do on his house and yard for awhile other than mowing his lawn.  We have really got his yard looking nice – no more complaints from the city.

“Can I come after I get off of work at nine tomorrow?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said.

It is already blazing hot and I have my processor coming today and want to be at the house when they deliver it.  I shouldn’t have put off tomorrow what I can do today, but I hope it will be cooler if I start earlier.  It is going to be another tough, sweaty job.

I just looked online and my package is in Lagrange just 16 miles away.  It says “in transit”. I am hoping the FedEx guy will be here any moment now.  I haven’t been so excited about a purchase since I got my iPod for Christmas.  The processor is going to be overkill for what I use my computer for, but it’s a hobby.  An expensive hobby if you like to keep your computer updated.  My next purchase will be two fast video cards in SLI.  That will cost around $400 dollars.  I better get saving.  I have so many purchases I want to make these days.

Hey Beautiful…

Kim was dressed so beautiful today when she arrived at work at eight.  I was out in the parking lot gathering up a scattering of carts when she surprised me.

“What are we doing tonight?” she asked me.

“Anything as long as it’s with you,” I told her.

“Awww, you are so sweet,” she swooned.

“Let’s go to that new Sushi place downtown tonight.  My treat,” I told her.

“Sounds like a plan,” Kim replied. “I better go clock in.”

“I’ll see you tonight!”

She really did look beautiful.  For a heavier woman, she carries herself well.  She had on this black short sleeved top with a v-neck that made her look much slimmer than she really is and some grey slacks that accentuated her sexy butt.  She had on her Invicta lady's watch with the cat on the face which fascinates me.  I’ve always wanted to own an Invicta watch.  Around her neck, was a plain herringbone silver necklace.  She also had on some silver hoop earrings that accentuated her blonde hair. 

Processors Aren’t the Only Thing Being Delivered…

Mom arrived with groceries a moment ago as I was writing this post.  I quit and went out to get my groceries in from the trunk.

“How was work?” mom asked as I gathered up several bags.

“It was steady which was nice,” I replied. “The four hours flew by.”

Mom got me my staples.  She also got me five of those “steam to perfection” pasta bowls.  I have never found a frozen meal that tastes better.  Mom came in to see Maggie which just thrilled Maggie to death.  Most of the time, mom will just sit in the car.

“You’ve lost weight,” I told her. “You can tell it in your butt.”

“Really?” mom said looking excited. “I’ve tried so hard lately.”

Sometimes, a little encouragement is all we need.  And mom is looking better.  I can’t keep from thinking that if we got mom off Zyprexa then the weight would just fall off her.  It is renowned for causing weight gain and diabetes. 

Bad Me, I Put Off Working…

My Benefactor just called last hour.

“Can you come and trim some undergrowth?” he asked. “I will pay you $50 dollars to do it.”

This will probably be the last bit of work available to do on his house and yard for awhile other than mowing his lawn.  We have really got his yard looking nice – no more complaints from the city.

“Can I come after I get off of work at nine tomorrow?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said.

It is already blazing hot and I have my processor coming today and want to be at the house when they deliver it.  I shouldn’t have put off tomorrow what I can do today, but I hope it will be cooler if I start earlier.  It is going to be another tough, sweaty job.

I just looked online and my package is in Lagrange just 16 miles away.  It says “in transit”. I am hoping the FedEx guy will be here any moment now.  I haven’t been so excited about a purchase since I got my iPod for Christmas.  The processor is going to be overkill for what I use my computer for, but it’s a hobby.  An expensive hobby if you like to keep your computer updated.  My next purchase will be two fast video cards in SLI.  That will cost around $400 dollars.  I better get saving.  I have so many purchases I want to make these days.

Hey Beautiful…

Kim was dressed so beautiful today when she arrived at work at eight.  I was out in the parking lot gathering up a scattering of carts when she surprised me.

“What are we doing tonight?” she asked me.

“Anything as long as it’s with you,” I told her.

“Awww, you are so sweet,” she swooned.

“Let’s go to that new Sushi place downtown tonight.  My treat,” I told her.

“Sounds like a plan,” Kim replied. “I better go clock in.”

“I’ll see you tonight!”

She really did look beautiful.  For a heavier woman, she carries herself well.  She had on this black short sleeved top with a v-neck that made her look much slimmer than she really is and some grey slacks that accentuated her sexy butt.  She had on her Invicta lady's watch with the cat on the face which fascinates me.  I’ve always wanted to own an Invicta watch.  Around her neck, was a plain herringbone silver necklace.  She also had on some silver hoop earrings that accentuated her blonde hair. 

Processors Aren’t the Only Thing Being Delivered…

Mom arrived with groceries a moment ago as I was writing this post.  I quit and went out to get my groceries in from the trunk.

“How was work?” mom asked as I gathered up several bags.

“It was steady which was nice,” I replied. “The four hours flew by.”

Mom got me my staples.  She also got me five of those “steam to perfection” pasta bowls.  I have never found a frozen meal that tastes better.  Mom came in to see Maggie which just thrilled Maggie to death.  Most of the time, mom will just sit in the car.

“You’ve lost weight,” I told her. “You can tell it in your butt.”

“Really?” mom said looking excited. “I’ve tried so hard lately.”

Sometimes, a little encouragement is all we need.  And mom is looking better.  I can’t keep from thinking that if we got mom off Zyprexa then the weight would just fall off her.  It is renowned for causing weight gain and diabetes. 

Up and At ‘Em…

Well, it is 4:00am and I am up and at ‘em.  Today, Monday, marks the start of my fourth week of returning to work.  Who would have thought I could have worked three days let alone four weeks a month ago.  A month ago, all I could think of was suicide I was so miserable.  Now? My life has taken on this 180 degree change.

Yesterday marked a whole day without anxiety.  Isn’t that just wonderful?  It was the first time in  years.  No social anxiety. No knots in my stomach.  No feelings of impending doom. I thought I was in heaven and relished every bit of it.  I’ve had some withdrawal coming off all those medications, but it is nothing compared to the symptoms I experienced on them.  Who would have thought all those medications that were supposedly helping me were the problem?  Dad still says I am crazy and am on a manic high and am going to crash soon.  Let’s hope he’s wrong.  He’s not perfect despite what he might think. He doesn’t know everything.   I keep having to remind him he is not a doctor nor my psychiatrist.

Charlie’s Idiosyncrasies…

Charlie came by late last night.  His wife had cooked a “tomato pie”.  It was this Italian dish with layers of garden fresh tomatoes and various Italian cheeses in a biscuit like crust.  It was delicious and a wonderful late night snack.  I ate both two large slices with relish before bed.  I always eat a large meal before retiring to bed. 

“I am buying the house next door to you as soon as it comes up for auction,” Charlie told me last night. “I found out today it is in foreclosure.”

“The drug dealer’s house that went to jail?”

“Yeap,” Charlie said. “We are going to extend your fence over to that house and let Maggie have more room to run.  I want Maggie to be my dog, too!”

I smiled.  It will be wonderful to have Charlie owning that house.  He will do what he normally does with a fixer upper.  He will flip the house and sell it for a profit.  Charlie relishes home improvement projects and will do most of the work himself.  I have never met a harder working man. 

“Saturday is Horsefly’s 39th birthday,” Charlie then told me. “I want you to come and if you can’t then I am bringing you birthday cake and hamburgers.”

“I would really like to be there,” I told Charlie. “I am feeling less socially anxious in years and think I can handle a large crowd.  What can I get Horsefly for his birthday?”

“Get him a bottle of Scope mouthwash,” Charlie told me with a laugh. “He can’t have enough bottles.  You should see the shelves in his room.  He has probably a hundred.  Just put a bow on it.”

I smiled at Horsefly’s weird obsessions and told Charlie I would do my very best to be there. Paxil don’t let me down!

Up and At ‘Em…

Well, it is 4:00am and I am up and at ‘em.  Today, Monday, marks the start of my fourth week of returning to work.  Who would have thought I could have worked three days let alone four weeks a month ago.  A month ago, all I could think of was suicide I was so miserable.  Now? My life has taken on this 180 degree change.

Yesterday marked a whole day without anxiety.  Isn’t that just wonderful?  It was the first time in  years.  No social anxiety. No knots in my stomach.  No feelings of impending doom. I thought I was in heaven and relished every bit of it.  I’ve had some withdrawal coming off all those medications, but it is nothing compared to the symptoms I experienced on them.  Who would have thought all those medications that were supposedly helping me were the problem?  Dad still says I am crazy and am on a manic high and am going to crash soon.  Let’s hope he’s wrong.  He’s not perfect despite what he might think. He doesn’t know everything.   I keep having to remind him he is not a doctor nor my psychiatrist.

Charlie’s Idiosyncrasies…

Charlie came by late last night.  His wife had cooked a “tomato pie”.  It was this Italian dish with layers of garden fresh tomatoes and various Italian cheeses in a biscuit like crust.  It was delicious and a wonderful late night snack.  I ate both two large slices with relish before bed.  I always eat a large meal before retiring to bed. 

“I am buying the house next door to you as soon as it comes up for auction,” Charlie told me last night. “I found out today it is in foreclosure.”

“The drug dealer’s house that went to jail?”

“Yeap,” Charlie said. “We are going to extend your fence over to that house and let Maggie have more room to run.  I want Maggie to be my dog, too!”

I smiled.  It will be wonderful to have Charlie owning that house.  He will do what he normally does with a fixer upper.  He will flip the house and sell it for a profit.  Charlie relishes home improvement projects and will do most of the work himself.  I have never met a harder working man. 

“Saturday is Horsefly’s 39th birthday,” Charlie then told me. “I want you to come and if you can’t then I am bringing you birthday cake and hamburgers.”

“I would really like to be there,” I told Charlie. “I am feeling less socially anxious in years and think I can handle a large crowd.  What can I get Horsefly for his birthday?”

“Get him a bottle of Scope mouthwash,” Charlie told me with a laugh. “He can’t have enough bottles.  You should see the shelves in his room.  He has probably a hundred.  Just put a bow on it.”

I smiled at Horsefly’s weird obsessions and told Charlie I would do my very best to be there. Paxil don’t let me down!

Planning my Ritualistic Morning…

I just drove over after supper to pick up my diet Cokes for the morning.  Mom heard me pull up in the driveway and was waiting at the backdoor for me with questions – lots of questions.

“How much do you make a month?” she asked obtrusively.

“About $650 dollars,” I replied.

She sighed with relief. “Well, at least you’re not over the limit.”

“What’s got you so obsessive about this Social Security?” I asked.

“Your father says you are going to lose it and you can’t work a full time job that will support you.  I just worry about you.  You haven’t worked in eight years.  That is a very long time.  I could never go back to work.”

I then sighed. “Mom, I am 38 years old. I will be fine.  I can work full time given some job experience and acclimation to working again.”

“Why do you want to work so badly?” she then asked.

“For my self esteem mainly,” I replied. “I want to be a self supporting man.  It’s a guy thing. Guy’s want to be independent and to be able to support themselves and their loved ones.”

“I just wish you would quit and stay on disability,” mom said. “You know your father will support you if you need anything.”

“That’s the problem,” I said frowning. “It is demeaning to me to be dependent on you all for everything.  I didn’t have a life.  I had nothing to do, but sit at home and feel sorry for myself – obsessing over my perceived mental illnesses.”

“You know I love you and only want what is best for you,” mom told me.

“I know,” I replied. “That’s the big difference between you and dad.  Dad just wants you and I to be quiet and complacent so he can go about his life unimpeded.  He’s not looking out for my best interests.  You genuinely are.”

I grabbed my cokes and told mom goodnight.  She stood at the door and watched as I drove off.  I love my  mother so much and hate dad has gotten her into worrying so much about me.   There seems to be this concerted effort within the family to get me to go back to the old ways.  I don’t want to go back to dying emotionally and mentally.  I want to live.  I want purpose to my life.  I just want to be me for a change after being someone else for years – someone’s sick and mentally ill son who needed to be taken care of.  Family roles are so hard to break I am learning from the opposition I have experienced. 

The Filling is Good…

Kim told me tonight she loves my house.

“It’s so small and cozy,” she told me. “Perfect for just you.”

Kim’s house is about twice the square feet as mine.  Her mother owns it and let’s her live in it rent free.  I was lamenting to Kim tonight after supper about my house being really nice looking on the inside, but the outside looks crappy.

“You could paint it,” she said.

“I would really like to put vinyl siding on it, but the cost is prohibitive,” I replied.

“Well, the shrubbery looks much better since you trimmed it,” she told me trying to make me feel better.

“Dad was going to have vinyl siding put on it, but it seems I have fallen out of favor,” I told her. “I would rather pay for it myself anyway.  I better start saving.  I’ve got to come up with a couple thousand dollars.”

Kim hugged me and told me to keep my eye on the prize.

“Who knows?” she said. “Maybe your yardcare business will take off and you will be rolling in money soon.”

I smiled.  It was a nice thought.  I would love nothing more than for that to happen.  I will keep plugging away at my daily efforts at that business hoping to be completely self supporting in a year.  Finally, I can put Social Security disability to rest.

Planning my Ritualistic Morning…

I just drove over after supper to pick up my diet Cokes for the morning.  Mom heard me pull up in the driveway and was waiting at the backdoor for me with questions – lots of questions.

“How much do you make a month?” she asked obtrusively.

“About $650 dollars,” I replied.

She sighed with relief. “Well, at least you’re not over the limit.”

“What’s got you so obsessive about this Social Security?” I asked.

“Your father says you are going to lose it and you can’t work a full time job that will support you.  I just worry about you.  You haven’t worked in eight years.  That is a very long time.  I could never go back to work.”

I then sighed. “Mom, I am 38 years old. I will be fine.  I can work full time given some job experience and acclimation to working again.”

“Why do you want to work so badly?” she then asked.

“For my self esteem mainly,” I replied. “I want to be a self supporting man.  It’s a guy thing. Guy’s want to be independent and to be able to support themselves and their loved ones.”

“I just wish you would quit and stay on disability,” mom said. “You know your father will support you if you need anything.”

“That’s the problem,” I said frowning. “It is demeaning to me to be dependent on you all for everything.  I didn’t have a life.  I had nothing to do, but sit at home and feel sorry for myself – obsessing over my perceived mental illnesses.”

“You know I love you and only want what is best for you,” mom told me.

“I know,” I replied. “That’s the big difference between you and dad.  Dad just wants you and I to be quiet and complacent so he can go about his life unimpeded.  He’s not looking out for my best interests.  You genuinely are.”

I grabbed my cokes and told mom goodnight.  She stood at the door and watched as I drove off.  I love my  mother so much and hate dad has gotten her into worrying so much about me.   There seems to be this concerted effort within the family to get me to go back to the old ways.  I don’t want to go back to dying emotionally and mentally.  I want to live.  I want purpose to my life.  I just want to be me for a change after being someone else for years – someone’s sick and mentally ill son who needed to be taken care of.  Family roles are so hard to break I am learning from the opposition I have experienced. 

The Filling is Good…

Kim told me tonight she loves my house.

“It’s so small and cozy,” she told me. “Perfect for just you.”

Kim’s house is about twice the square feet as mine.  Her mother owns it and let’s her live in it rent free.  I was lamenting to Kim tonight after supper about my house being really nice looking on the inside, but the outside looks crappy.

“You could paint it,” she said.

“I would really like to put vinyl siding on it, but the cost is prohibitive,” I replied.

“Well, the shrubbery looks much better since you trimmed it,” she told me trying to make me feel better.

“Dad was going to have vinyl siding put on it, but it seems I have fallen out of favor,” I told her. “I would rather pay for it myself anyway.  I better start saving.  I’ve got to come up with a couple thousand dollars.”

Kim hugged me and told me to keep my eye on the prize.

“Who knows?” she said. “Maybe your yardcare business will take off and you will be rolling in money soon.”

I smiled.  It was a nice thought.  I would love nothing more than for that to happen.  I will keep plugging away at my daily efforts at that business hoping to be completely self supporting in a year.  Finally, I can put Social Security disability to rest.