“You don’t have to feel ashamed that your schizophrenic, son. You know you can talk to me,” dad told me over the phone last night. “It is no different than you having cancer or diabetes.”
You should have seen my eyes roll in frustration as my face grew flustered. I know he means well, but I frankly don’t believe I am schizophrenic and it sucks when people constantly remind you that you are. There is so much stigma surrounding mental illness and I want no part of it. Right now I am officially diagnosed as having generalized anxiety disorder. I don’t have visual or auditory hallucinations. There are no voices in my head. I am not down at the town square preaching on a street corner about the end of the world is nigh. And no, Jesus doesn’t speak to me directly, My condition has exponentially improved since I came off that plethora of medications I was on.
Earlier in the week my therapist told me that maybe my father was scared – scared of losing control.
“You and your mother’s mental illnesses keeps him busy and feeling in charge of everything,” she told me. “You now getting better and obtaining independence screws up the family dynamics. Your father feels out of control.”
9 comments:
I am glad you have a therapist who sees the dynamics in the family.
It is hard for a family to change gears when things change. Your dad has been in control for so long, I am sure it must be so hard for him to let go.
Hopefully your continued success will enable him to let go little by little until you are free.
Your therapist is very wise and I think she is correct. I enjoy your blog so much, Andrew.
What you encounter is so ubiquitous, Andrew. And I could feel the bile rise in my own mouth. That statement is so retrograde and so untrue. I would be tempted to correct my dad, if I were you. But I am proud of you that you did not.
At the very least, I disagree with the phrase for its way of defining who you are. To say, "You are a schizophrenic," is to have someone define me by a diagnosis. I would be more comfortable with the statement, "I have schizophrenia," or "I have bouts with what others call schizophrenia."
While I too do not hear voices or see things, I am defined as having schizophrenia by the doctors that see me. Others are more comfortable saying that I have something like bipolar.
I, like you, am triggered by anxiety. I have thoughts that don't match reality. Those delusions, illusions and symptoms of paranoia ARE all characteristics that are part of the schizophrenia diagnosis.
I rest in this comfort: I am not alone and I am not my diagnosis. And I can disagree with the latest DSM categories to be the person I am meant to be. Because I continue to reclaim my identity I don't get lost in symptoms. I too shrug off an easy diagnosis.
I consider my diagnosis to be closer to PTSD.
People do not need labels...There is no need..
Speaking from experience, alas: I think your therapist is right on. As I've told you previously, your dad is afraid that you/and/or/mom will eventually go off the rails and he will have to deal with the not-so-great consequences. By keeping control of money and reinforcing yours/mom's dependence on him, he can feel safer that bad things won't happen. That, of course, is an illusion, but it helps with his stress.
I've backed way off with trying to 'control' my daughter's life, not without some fear and worry, I might add. But her choices are hers to live, not mine, and I've also made it clear that I'm no longer in the rescue business. But that's a hard decision to stick to.
Please remember that NAMI and those of us who are involved with mental illness continually strive to de-stigmatize mental diseases. Your father is right that there should be no shame involved with mental illness: it is not an individual's fault any more than is cancer (diabetes is far more preventable).
Hang in there and be very, very thankful that you have a therapist who can see your dad as he really is. Very controlling. I wonder what it would take for him to finally dismiss the schizophrenia diagnosis for good and see that it was wrong?
Oy Vey Andrew.
I am afraid I would not have been as calm as you. I would have told my Dad "when you receive your medical degree, then you may diagnose me"
Listen to your doctor. I too agree it is your dad's way of being in control.
Only the gentle are ever really strong, says James Dean.
Only the therapist that YOU chose can give an unbiased opinion. Your previous doctor only listened to what your dad had to say - never discussed things with you alone. Your dad told that doctor what medications you needed and then he fed them to you.
You and YOUR doctor now have control over your mental health - which is going so well that you are now a self supporting adult, taking care of most of your own needs. You've got a problem with anxiety . . . but you've got a lot of company. There are so many of us out here with anxiety - it's very treatable!
I'm really proud of how far you have taken yourself. YOU have done this on your own - and just look at your success!
With love and great pride!
Grannie
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