My Chewbacca…

My father was heading home from work after a couple of English bitters he drank with some coworkers so they could watch the after effects of the Royal wedding. I went and picked up him up after several hours when he got a little drunk and tipsy and took him home so he could return to his usually very philanthropic activities on the weekends -- I once detested this man, I thought as he got in the car and we were off to the Valley..

Dad slept it off and arrived with the cavalry late this afternoon, He was just saying how rotund Maggie was getting in her hindquarters

“She waddles when she walks!” were his words as he laughed.

“A cup of dog food a day and no more!” my father said in my laundry room as dad was placing Maggie's food back down on her little mat. I sat her fresh water bowl down as well after thoroughly cleaning it

Dad left to go home as I told Maggie by clandestinely whispering, “Don’t worry doll we’re still having our hamburgers tonight.”

I don’t think she is that fat as well. A little chunky maybe but chunky, is more of a kinder and gentler term than fat.

The Snowball that Kept Going And Growing….

I’ve been trying to lessen my impact upon my mother – to ease some of the load I can be on her. It is hard to believe she is 65 now. She takes it upon herself as me, her son, as being some kind of project to work on and to mold. She will quickly get her hands full loaded with routines for me in a heartbeat and feels like she can’t say no once she is obligated.  . 

“She just can’t do all that anymore,” my father said this morning in agreement.  “She gets bumfuzzled. And we need to keep her off the road.”

Mom has been bringing me 2 quarts of ice cream every Friday for months now.  I suggested we only do that once a month from here on – a true treat to look forward to. Things were getting complicated as they normally do with my mother.   She is the proverbial snowball rolling down hill gaining momentum as she goes.

The Neighbor Who Rides a Rocket to Work…

I met my new neighbors late yesterday afternoon.  I got up some courage as I was at my mailbox and walked across the street and shook his hand. I could see some Asian heritage in his face as I got closer and the kids were adorable.  They’ve moved into the house immediately opposite to mine. He is a anesthesiologist at the local hospital. They seem like solid good folks.  He has been a literal whirlwind of activity getting the house ready to move into. He also drives an awesome and extremely fast looking crotch rocket (Japanese motorcycle) and a new model Infinity sedan.  He must be making decent money. I still can’t understand why they would want to live in this neighborhood, though, out of all the nice neighborhoods in town.  It can be kind of rough at times around here.  My car getting stolen on Christmas Day a few years ago crosses my mind.

When I moved into this house, Joyce and Ed also brought me housewarming gifts such as baskets of fruit and snack foods.  I feel corny about doing this to my new neighbors, though. Sorry in advance neighbors!  I am just not Betty Crocker it seems. 

I’ve Got Time on my Hands…

It still feels entirely weird not working. I feel lost and floundering – like a fish out of water.  I can see where retired folks get tired of retirement and go back to work. There is a certain intrinsic value to making your own money as well.  I just don’t want to get into a mess mentally if I go back. And I certainly don’t want to get fired again which was terribly embarrassing.. We are just going to tread lightly for awhile and see how I do on the mental illness front.  I am extremely lucky to have my benefits. I need a factory desk job where I build widgets and not have to socialize all day it seems in an ideal world.

My Most Heartfelt Apologies…

Please, let me extend my deepest condolences and apologies to all the people who email me and post faithfully on the blog.  My social aloofness in the real world carries into my online social world as well it seems. It is me and nothing is wrong with you! Don’t take my indifference or apathy as a personal affront.  I’ve read every comment you all have written lately and it is heart warming to receive them.  I just have problems forming healthy relationships then maintaining them in both worlds.

Battle of the Stubborn Folk…

Dad and I are still at odds of a certain sort at the moment.  Nothing that bad, but we’ve had a few clashes. I amazingly (I still can’t believe it either!) saved over $4000 dollars and some change working all last winter. I just haven't had many real world or daily expenses.  Dad was astounded and shocked that I had the willpower to do such a thing with all the the enticing entrapments like Budweiser and restaurant bars which are usually my downfalls.  Dad wants us to put that money into a joint account at the bank.  If it smells fishy, then it usually is.  I don’t want to go fishing.  At least, not for today.

“It is going to be my electronics and computer slush fund,” I assertively told my father and he finally peaceably left.

We no longer have those screaming matches like we did over a year ago which has worked wonders for my anxiety. My therapist has really helped us on those regards.  Dad will actually tell me these days that I totally surprised him with my transformation and that he is proud to be my father.  What  more could a loving  son ask for?  Now, if we can actually just keep those damn psychosis away. It’s is gong to be interesting to read my new diagnosis. 

Yes! It’s Helen Friday…

I was just sitting over at mom and dad’s eating dinner.  I was kind of pushing my fork and food around on the plate looking bored.  We had baked ham again.  My father has certain meals he fixates on. The baked ham meal is the meal I enjoy the least. I never, ever developed a taste for it.

“It is what Helen is best at cooking, You can confuse her with to many curveballs” my father said tonight in defense of himself and Helen.   Helen did have her awesome biscuits at dinner.  Dad keeps insisting for Helen to keep cooking cornbread when biscuits are Helen’s forte.  

Skunk 2.0…

“That’s the best marijuana I have ever smoked.  You could smell it a mile away. I also kept the weed in airtight Tupperware containers so it wouldn’t stink up the car or your dorm room.” George told me last night which was instigated when Pipe Tobacco had asked about its effects.  “Skunk.  I’d be smoking some now if it wasn’t for these damn random drug tests.”

I’ve never known George to be much of a drug user though. He was mainly just an imbiber of opportunity. He has never smelt of Mary Jane when we were around each other.  He was always pretty content with his ice beer. 

“Have you ever partook in the pungent weed?” George then asked me. 

“A few times but it triggered my mental illness and the paranoia was a game loser for me. I kept thinking I was going to get arrested any moment. I had a couple of college roommates who grew it in their closets which was amazing.”

I then chuckled some and George asked me why.

“The munchies you get after smoking would drive a person with an eating disorder crazy!” I said with a smile. “You will literally eat yourself out of house and home. It is like eating on steroids.” 

“Hey, maybe we could save the lives of those Karen Carpenter types who won’t eat.”

A broad grin spread across my face as I smiled at George’s interesting altruism and problem solving. 

Don’t Cry Florene…

“You’re not crazy!” Mrs. Florene, who fondly calls me “one of her boys” exclaimed to me a moment ago. “I don’t believe it.”

She is very protective of George and I.  About as fierce a protector for me as she is for George.  If my memory serves me correctly, I have known Florene for six years now.  She instantly became like a surrogate grandmother for me. 

She started to cry when I told her I had a psychotic break a few weeks ago.  I felt terrible. Had I done the wrong thing by revealing to her all that?  I assured her things were fine now, there is no eminent danger, and I may never have another.  Mrs. Florene’s and my parting words were that she would pray for me and encouraged me to as well.  Oh, if only it could be that easy, I thought.

The Dull Cicada Roar...

A Calm and Quieting Moment Between a Father and Son…

A person wracked in psychosis can’t just go about their lives when they are lost in insanity and delusions. Bathing is an insurmountable task without help,  Dad then asked me to do him one big favor for his return visit tonight. “ Wash your beautiful hair and get it looking like you normally do.  You really are a strikingly good looking man!”  I shyly smiled as he gave me a big hug. 

“That will be my gift to you for tonight,” I told him.  “And I will shave.”

Dad was astonished how nice and clean I got the house to looking the other day – one of my first psychosis free days (and possibly mania induced).  It had gotten in some pretty bad shape for the two weeks after my psychotic break. The only bad thing about vacuuming is that it scares Maggie to death and she will sit in the backyard for hours. Someone must have hurt her as a puppy.

Classy People and Good Friends…

You know?  I have been very lucky to have some really and very classy and caring people reading the blog over the years – all people who I would embrace as real world friends.  Thank you for the help and assistance and assurance. All I ask is for your readership in return.  Nothing more.

Baby steps is my new mantra for the next few days I enter back into the real world carefully.   I woke up this morning after a night of dreaming of crucifixes trying to decide on a plan of action to get better.  We are going to do one selfless task a day until I feel more up-to-snuff and one thing that is soothing to me. This morning was a simple soaking bath that felt like a massage.   Tomorrow shall be a BLT sandwich for lunch.  Dad said this sounded like a good course of action.    He is just overjoyed I am getting out of the house.  He was calling me the hermit for a few days there.  He kept saying he was scared to death to come over here and find me dead on the bed.

Luckily, my zest for music has thankfully returned to full force.  I can listen to music all day if I could.  This is very. very therapeutic for me.  

I was having some computer problems this morning were the sound on my computer wasn’t working (optical digital connection wasn't synchronizing).  One of my old selves could fix this in seconds.  It took me very,very long minutes to fix it as I grew frustrated.  My memory is still not as good as I hoped.  I still get confused. 

I’ve Been a Psychotic Miserable Mess for Two Weeks and Now I Don’t want to Go to Bed…

Maggie keeps coming into the computer room to see if is time for bed bless her beautiful little heart. The storm is still raging outside like I've never heard before. I’ve lost whole days lately – like drinking black outs.  Music is timeless and has been my solace.  Many afternoons have found me curled up on the bed listening to and an old James Taylor CD on my iPod.  Thank you to those of you who never gave up on me and still read.  My natural inclination was not to blog and hide, but I tried something different this time and you could see me crazy and all. It is obvious that I have a mental illness now.  So where do we go from here?  I am shying away from a medication solution.  Most psychiatric drugs make you more miserable than the illness they are trying to cure.

Dad is itching and wringing his hands to take control again. He means well, but will keep my money and my SSDI money separate for the time being.  I have a more healthy relationship when we keep some distance. I want to keep my current doctor who has me on 2mg Risperdal before bed.  Today was the most stable day I’ve had in weeks. 

One thing I hate about home ownership lately is the solicitation of said at my home. I have had a hundred people this week (I know I am exaggerating some here), but you get the point.  The dogs go nuts.  My anxiety levels go off the charts and I end of an anxious mess.   Usually, I will go hide into the bathroom and Maggie signals the all clear.  I know a simple no solicitation sign would help, but they are so ugly,

I saw my niece and nephew for the first time in over a year today. 

“You know I would never hurt your children,” I told my sister and she gave me a hug. 

They only let mom around them supervised.  It embarrasses my mother deeply.

Stormy Night In Bama...Scary Weather to be exact...

                                                   Already 40 people confirmed dead.

It is a Swarm Year!

If you live in the Deep South, stand outside and what do you hear? The Cicadas are back.  I thought I was having auditory illusions all day.  It is a low hum that will increase as the week goes.

Pipe Who?

George was asking me a hundred questions today as we sat on the phone. I was telling him a fellow on my blog who enjoys my writings about us.

“Pipe who?” George asked.

“Pipe Tobacco,” I replied. “Just your online handle like yours being ding dong 66"

“I don’t call myself ding dong 66 online!” George said as we both laughed.

George also told Pipe Tobacco to smoke some special weed for him as he thought of poor George.

Viscous Vileness…

I’ve seen this first hand on the web with The Homeless Guy. It has started to show up on the blog today. Kevin fought a comment war and almost ran off his readers, but we are not going to do that here. People love to kick you when you are down, though. Maybe it makes them feel valiant or vindictive in some some way?

70,000 White Lotus Flowers from God...

I know it is a strange name.  The name haunted my brain in my bed all last night. Lush pools of koi fish and lotus flowers. I spent hours last night thinking about it and decided it deserved to be a blog name.

Potluck Dog Snack...

It feels so weird sleeping in the night after sleeping in the day for months. The dogs and I just had our snack for the day.  The dogs shared a bowl of chicken noodle soup and I ate a couple of hotdogs. Dad is off today so I expect him to stop by at anytime.  Mom just called saying we need to "discuss" my grocery allotment money.  Dad probably told her we were spending too much money.

Another Fine Morning…

Ah, coherency! Where have you been all my life?

I said I was going to get myself together and clean out all these mental illness blog droppings that have accumulated on the blog. A strange fact from yesterday was that I totally don’t remember it. I can’t remember one lick of it except when Maggie started to alert me that dad was coming over when she heard a Honda CR-V a few blocks over. I do remember cleansing my house with a God like fury.  My house is spic and span now.  Dad said that I couldn't have ever given him a better present.

"No more talk of this work thing anymore dad told me last night.  You are on disability for a reason!"

Dad says we are heading to his lawyer tomorrow and make sure I am fine about my disability almost being up. Dad said I had really pushed it close there for a few weeks.

Dad was astonished yesterday morning when he found out how much I have saved last winter. Dad and I had both been busy piling up money for a rainy day.

Big The Blog has delved it quagmire and bastion of crazy I will try to clean these hare seem much more that to qua lather caked put mooring as well.

clean the mess up get the blog situated  and troy to post when you are save weak

 

 

 

bpp in ba shape will face the in the omronogn

My blog is is going to have to very boit;; be when you too me bet done. the log isbtlall a bklfing I srutdo dremedudl.tajt fpr a few daus/  OO ;evest ,u evef as wel

Hey susshite. a in

Aim one

Location:3rd St S,Lanett,United States

LOL

Better Day Today…

Bright Day Sunshine!  I still can’t believe I got fired yesterday.  I have never gotten fired before in my whole life. That is just so embarrassing. Oh well the life goes going, they gave me some severance pay and we go our separate ways. Going to work on my yard care business.  I have one lawn mow to mow today  and that is my own. My lawn is pitifully screaming , “Mow us!”
My spurred speech and drooling have stopped as well. My doctors are all baffled after running all these tests and more and then more tests. Their diagnosis is  “acute psychotic breakdown”.  You can also see that I am getting better buy by my typing- is getting smolly as
My mother makes me laugh sometimes Well, you were saying some crazy shit for a few days!!! ” s; mom saying to my father as we were in the lobby.
My favorite psychosis this morning what paper ‘smal’cutting’ can do mscouni hell it it wo hard m e to fherrs hens and I was working feverish

Goodbye Walmart….

Walked out of of this work to be fired.

Enter the Psychotic Break…

And just like that it was over.  I am feeling much so much better.  Here goes that old saying but for the grace  of God go I.   The what dad likes to call is it that.  And it has taken too much away from me over – too much over he years

Speech is slurred today. Feeling better though.work is slow slow go.

Mustering Up Some Gather….

During these malaises dad would dad would say I am depressed.  This is what  happened before.  I lose the the muse write. I think I am feeling better.  I become quiet and morose.

Coming Up With An Answer….

I am afraid I was more mentally than I thought.  It is impossible to post feeling mentally unwell.

Suffering somewhat mentally. Trying to holding to together.

Unwell…

Not feeling well lately.  Will hopefully be a back on my feet in a few days!  I hope you are all doing splendidly.  Mom and I are feuding for the time being.  

Much Younger Than You Think…

I got called into work and there is no rudder thing to happen to you on your day off.  I keep thinking don’t forget the overtime and a fat paycheck in a few week time.

Jan was asking me what my age was as we were walking out of the store to our cars this morning.

“I am 39,” I said without flinching. 

I’ve been keeping it a carefully controlled secret and George has been dying to let the cat out of the bag.

“I would have never though you were so young,” Jan exclaimed with excitement.

I said, “Thanks! I hope!”

A little bit of Jan everyday is good for the heart and soul. 

Equal Rights For Brown Browned Skinned people…

“If you live in a country full of brown skinned people then you are eventually going to get bombed by the US.” George told me this morning with a smug, but most true smug look on his face.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

The First Inaugural Light Through My Camera!

It’s Just So Genius!

Apple’s genius feature on my iPod seems to think I want to listen to lots of Smashing Pumpkins hits and The Cranberries this morning. I am not complaining mind you.  Earlier, it was fixated on Alice in Chains.  Good, good stuff.   It brings back a lot of fond memories of the early nineties, grunge and a few concert going experiences.  

In Transit…

I just checked the tracking website for Fed-Ex and it says my camera is in transit for delivery in Lagrange and is 30 miles away.  I am chomping at the bit to play with my new toy.  Which is an understatement for a gadget hound like me. Let’s see how long I can stay up once I have arrived home.  I will probably just read the owner’s manual and then head to bed.

Shades of my Mother…

Everything has to be so particular to both mom and dad. I seem to live in a completely anally retentive family.

“Sorry I haven’t gotten your steaks sooner,” my father told me last night before work.  “We don’t seem to have butchers anymore.  I want to get the steaks cut as one to a package to make them easier to freeze.”

I told dad to check out the Piggly Wiggly as they still have a butcher and cut certain meats to order. I have been toying with the idea just to get dad to get me $100 of Rodger’s barbecue.

Here’s to Just Another Sunny Spring Day…

On my porch this morning when I had arrived home was a sack of my 12 birthday cokes. There was a time in my life that my parents wouldn’t even let me have so many of these at one time. I had told mom the other this was just what I wanted from her.  Inside the bag was a note from mom saying dad was getting me a cake and steaks tonight.  Mom and I both have a weakness for store bought birthday cakes. So, we will be having cake and ice-cream tonight with Charlie and family joining us. 

Jim was furiously talking politics last night at work – about the government almost getting shut down due to our government’s incompetence.  My eyes kind of glazed over and I had George’s characteristic 1000 yard stare he sports often these days.   Sometimes I will just feign interest, but I was too tired and distracted last night to show any real interest.

Hey Look Everybody! Andrew’s Trying to Sleep!

Dad was in a huge hurry to get to work this morning.  He was in charge of opening the pharmacy at 9am. He said all his girls as he calls them would be waiting at the front door to get in.  He quickly stopped by the house this morning to show me how to cook his chicken, pasta stars, and pork chop soup In the crockpot.  I appreciate him taking the time to do that as that was always an endearing soup when I was growing up.  I just have filled my large thermos full of the steaming hot and mouthwatering “pork chop soup.”

I also seriously need to get a sign on my door that says I sleep during the day and work third shift.  I even had the Jehovah's witnesses vying for my attention at one point today.   They were some of the most methodical and organized Jehovah's witnesses I have ever encountered including a Lincoln town car as a getaway car for transportation.  Surely, I would have to put on some pants to fight these foes off my front porch!

Sadly, My Momma Still Dresses Me…

And yes, all my clothes are from Walmart.  Mom went to work this afternoon buying me new Spring and Summer clothes.  This was completely going against the burly, rugged, individualistic and independent male figurehead I was trying to portray and develop lately.  She even had a tape measure to measure my waist and inseam to add insult to injury. 

Biting the Bullet…

Canon PowerShot SX30 IS Black 14.1 MP 2.7" 230k LCD 35X Optical Zoom Digital Camera

• 1/2.3" CCD
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• 35X Optical Zoom 4X Digi...

• Part#: 4344B001
• Dimensions (WxHxD): 4.84" x 3.64" x 4.24"
• Weight: 1.32 lbs.
• Type: SLR-Style
• Model #: 4344B001
• Item #: N82E16830120469
• Return Policy: Limited Replacement Only Return Policy

• Now: $429^.99  Free Shipping

I decided last night to bite the bullet and finally order a new digital camera.  I’ve been watching the Canon SX series closely and slowly watching the prices drop below $500 dollars for months now.  I finally took the plunge last night into the realm of new digital camera ownership. It should be here in a few days and you should be seeing much more photographs on the blog.  This will invigorate me as far as photo publishing goes.  Finally, a camera that isn’t a hassle to use as far as getting the photos off the camera and onto my computer.  

Where Are You, Andrew?

They called a grand total of 3 times after midnight from work.  I wasn’t so gullible enough as to answer the phone and let my answering machine catch the calls. I am pretty much a pushover when it comes to peer pressure and would have gone into work if they caught me on the phone and pressed the issue.  I felt I deserved a hard-earned day off.  I didn’t feel any quilt whatsoever about ignoring those calls and going about my night as I saw fit. 

Speak Your Mind!

I’ve gotten into the Internet browsing rut it seems and I cannot get out of it.  I need help! What are some of your favorite websites?  I read Mashable.com everyday mostly about social media.  I occasionally read CNN.com com but lately they are so hell bent on social engineering rather than actually reporting the news and the facts.  That’s why they say they are “news and views” these days. It is much more views than actually news. 

The Convenience of Conveniences

You know?  I really appreciate my new life these days and how drastically different it was a year ago about this time. Work gets old sometimes, but I wouldn't have any other way.  I think work gets tiresome for everyone from time to time. 

The novelty still hasn’t worn off about my ability to buy things today with my very own money.  A debit card is just so convenient as well.  How did I live so long without one?  And shopping over the Internet is such a joy.

I already have machinations about what we are going to do for my birthday in a few days.   I want my mother to buy a hundred dollars worth of ribeye steaks and Kroger brand steak sauce.  It will be interesting to see how she will react to me telling her that.  I will enjoy living it up for a few months with my disability money. My grandmother would’ve called it living high up on the hog.

Ladies Man…

I had that Joni Mitchell earworm Ladies Man stuck in my head all day after hearing it this early morning on shuffle via my iPod. It also made me think of George and his Don Juan-like aspirations.  I think the Apple Genius feature is just so brilliant and seems to be reading my mind as far as my music goes and what I want to hear next.

Helen cooked a really wonderful supper of pork chops, rice, biscuits, and gravy.   I told mom to be sure to save the leftovers for the dogs and I.  My father won’t eat leftovers as he never has much to our great fortune.

My New Year’s resolution was to be less capricious and less erratic.  So far, so good!  No disappearing acts going on around here.  Those may be my famous last words so I better knock on wood.

What Heaven Bestowed Upon Us Today…

A few weeks ago, mom asked me if I could use plastic cutlery, plates, and cups.  I said, “Sure! I will cut down on using my dishwasher.”  Mom surprised me when she brought this today.  Judy at dad’s pharmacy special ordered it.  That is thousands of plastic spoons, plastic forks, cups, and plates.  A little bit over the top maybe? lol

The Bigotry of a Generation…

I talked to my great aunt last night who is in her nineties these days.  She was talking about that little “nigger” boy E-L that helps her around the yard and house for a few dollars and some change.  I cringe when she talks that way – a relic of the old South, but it is more common than you think.  Her generation in the South grew up racist it seems and talk like this was commonplace. Thank God Rosa Parks changed the world with her one act of defiance on a bus in Montgomery, Alabama.

My great aunt was also going on about how fat her legs have gotten.  I told dad this last night and he laughed and laughed.

“Dad, she is going to be 95 years old soon.  Wouldn’t you think she would have more pressing things to worry about?”

Dad just laughed and said. “That’s your Auntie Myrtis!”

The Great Hot Sauce Debacle…

I had told mom to pick me up a large bottle of Louisiana hot sauce when she went and got my groceries last Monday. Well, mom brought me a large bottle of Tabasco sauce which is just too hot for my tastes which I let slip out to mom when I should know better.  My favorite hot sauce is the Crystal brand.  It is not too hot and it is very vinegary as I like it.  Mom has fretted over that for days which I didn’t realize that was going on.  She finally tracked down Crystal brand hot sauce across the river in Georgia at Givorn’s Foods.  I told mom she had earned a free day in bed with no one bothering her. 

Do You Also Shop for Store Brand?

That’s what mom does for me and I am usually pretty happy with the store brand of products.  Mom says she can save up to $30 a week buying Kroger brand with my groceries doing so. I eat a lot of cereal and milk and mom said store brand cereal prices are so much better. 

Ah, Those Golden Arches…

I can see clearly now as to why people can get so completely and helplessly hooked on fast food. It never really entered my lexicon of daily terms for years as I couldn’t buy or afford any.  It is just so convenient, economical in the short-term, and the tastes are amplified and compliment each other. This morning found me once again at McDonald’s ordering the dog’s sausage biscuits again and a large “big ass” coke for me to quench my thirst.  I looked for Anne again this morning, but she must be working afternoons or nights these days.  I haven’t seen her in what seems like weeks. Anne grew up in the school of hard knocks and I just want to be a good friend to her as I have had a few interesting journeys through life myself.  You know me and fringe dwelling people.  We are like two peas in a pod.

Jack Frost? Again?

We had what I hope is our very last and final heavy frost this morning.  The windows on my car were covered with ice and I was glad I had picked up a cheap ice scraper on sale from AutoZone the other week on a whim or was it portending things?  It worried me that this cold snap would kill any  tender new growth and sprouting buds we’ve had lately, though.

Cheap Thrills or Dangerous Dealings…

I cringed as George said he turned in his AA meeting attendance list the other night after forging the signatures. The repercussions from this could be life altering if George is found out.  The Psychologist just said thanks and stuffed it into his briefcase George then told me.  Let’s hope we hear no more of that and George’s other shady transgressions. George doing that worried the sh@t out of me, though.  I would rather not know about such things from here on out and told George so.

She’s A Heavy Duty Kind of Nuts and Twigs Gal…

My favorite militant Vegan Twitterer was at it again on her soapbox this morning in full force and I just couldn’t resist – resist being a tad bit aggravating and contrary myself. It was like she was taunting me with her Vegan propaganda – a moth to the flame. She’s sick and this has been like the fourth time in as many weeks.  I wrote her back that I never get sick and I gobble down the cheeseburgers all day long when she wrote that veganism was healthier. Well, that went over like a lead balloon and I should have known, but it did make me smile from ear to ear at her reaction. She might also want to rethink her food strategy and game plan.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve known quite a few outstanding Vegans over the years and and they are all fine and upstanding citizens. It’s this one, in your face militant, percent like this woman that aggravate the crap out of me. It is very akin to having a religion of Veganism. I guess I will have to go put a ceremonial bouquet of nuts and twigs at the foot of their altar to atone for my sins and egregious aspersions.

A Wind That Strongly Whistles…

I was walking out from work on this bright and beautiful morning when my father called me. “Now that’s completely odd,” I thought as I answered my Crackberry as I walked across the parking lot to my car. Dad has never called me so early in the morning and I expected the worst. 

“Drive by your grandmother’s house and tell me what you think,” he said. “Your uncle just called and said a tree fell on it during the storm last night.”

It was bad when I rode by there. She used to live just a few streets over from me.  A large oak tree had been uprooted and had knocked the front porch completely off including a part of the front bedroom.  They’ve been trying to sell her house for years now and the neighborhood just keeps declining and declining.  They’re certainly not going to sell it anytime soon with such a setback. 

Hey! I am Going to Let You Peer into my Head! Tell Me What’s Wrong…

I had very carefully asked my psychiatrist yesterday if there was a chance for me to live psychiatric medication free. 

“Lets don’t try to do too much at once,” was her cautious answer.  “I want to see if your depressions are cyclical.”

She reminded me of my two months long malaise I suffered months ago. She very carefully worded a reply that wouldn’t offend me when she said normal people just don’t go on two month severe depressions like that. I certainly don't have all the answers so I will have to rely on her. 

Road Trips…

In a few short hours I will have to muster up some courage to brave the interstate and then I will be on my way to Auburn, Alabama to see my psychiatrist.  I am expecting business to be as usual with me as far as us carrying on with my current regimen of pills goes.  Mom offered to go with me, but I told her to stay at home and rest.  You should have heard the sigh of relief on the other end of the phone line.  I don’t blame her.  I don’t want to go either. It is a very long drive.

I am not going to waste such a long drive on just psychiatry alone, though.  I have to get some books for mom at the bookstore. I also want to go by the Suzuki/Honda dealership and get some prices on motorcycles.  I am growing very excited about eating chicken fingers for lunch at Jim Bob’s chicken fingers.  I am going to bring home a few plates for the dogs as well.

Mice or Steaks…

I have whittled down my selection of gifts for my birthday coming up in just a few days.  I told mom that I wanted the same thing as last year.

“Groceries?” she asked.

“I want some steaks and things I usually can’t afford,” I told her. 

It was that or a wireless keyboard and mouse like I got George for Christmas.  I’ve used George’s computer a few times lately recovering him from virus hell.  The technology has come a drastically long way compared to the wireless mice and keyboards I used several years ago. 

I’m Drawing a Line In the Sand. Don’t Cross it!

“You don’t have to feel ashamed that your schizophrenic, son. You know you can talk to me,” dad told me over the phone last night. “It is no different than you having cancer or diabetes.”

You should have seen my eyes roll in frustration as my face grew flustered. I know he means well, but I frankly don’t believe I am schizophrenic and it sucks when people constantly remind you that you are.  There is so much stigma surrounding mental illness and I want no part of it.  Right now I am officially diagnosed as having generalized anxiety disorder.  I don’t have visual or auditory hallucinations.  There are no voices in my head.  I am not down at the town square preaching on a street corner about the end of the world is nigh. And no, Jesus doesn’t speak to me directly,  My condition has exponentially improved since I came off that plethora of medications I was on. 

Earlier in the week my therapist told me that maybe my father was scared – scared of losing control.

“You and your mother’s mental illnesses keeps him busy and feeling in charge of everything,” she told me. “You now getting better and obtaining independence screws up the family dynamics. Your father feels out of control.” 

Out Like A Bolt of Greased Lightning…

I didn’t linger at work as I can sometimes do in the mornings. I told Derrick a quick goodbye after some scuttlebutt and  a short conversation, and  I was out the front door like a bolt of greased lightning. 

“What’s the hurry?” George asked me with great interest as I bolted past him outside through the parking lot.

“I’m tired, hungry, and ready to go to bed,” I replied.

“Hey? I thought we we’re going to get prostitutes and beer later,” George quipped jokingly with his characteristic Cheshire grin.  

I haven't been going to McDonald’s lately, but sincerely enjoyed the convenience of it today.  I was suffering from severe thirst and was happy to get a gigantic extra large coke (what my father would call the big assed coke).  I then drove by mom’s to pick up my cokes and cigarettes for the day.  Luckily mom was awake and it didn’t take an army of banging drums to get her to the front door as she had forgotten to put them on the porch.  Mom was in good spirits – glad my father only works till lunch on Saturdays.  Dad says she will just sit around and watch him if he lets her and it makes me laugh every time. 

“When did you get so tired of ice cream?” mom asked me worriedly this morning continuing a conversation we started last night.

“It just happened the other day,” I told her. “I bought a carton of vanilla and couldn’t finish it. I told you I would get tired of it eventually after an obsession like I was having with it.”

Pork Pie Hat…

Dad had to work really late tonight subbing for one of his co-pharmacists who called in so mom invited me to eat with her instead of fixing a plate of Helen’s food to bring to me.  The fried pork cutlets were good if a tad on the salty side.  Mom noticed it, too, and said something about it as well.   Mom also had lots of goodies to give to me tonight. My arms were laden with new contacts, Maggie's/Caramel’s heartworm and flea medicines, dog food, toilet paper, and paper towels when I left the house.  

“I am going to do something special just for you tomorrow,” mom said.  “What do you want?”

“I would be thrilled to get two of Rodger’s barbeque sandwiches,” I replied excitedly about the cost prohibitive sandwiches.   

Mom said she would bring them over late in the evening after I had gotten up.

Shoo! Anxiety! Delicately We Step…

I had the first real feelings of anxiety last night that I have had in months.  At one point, I got so dizzy and muddled and then had to sit down behind the counter for thirty minutes.  I am so praying this is not starting up again and I am not a very religious person and usually don’t pray.  It is one of the scariest feelings I have ever had when you feel that mental loss of control coming on and you don’t have a bed to lie down upon to gather yourself.