Feeling Discombobulated...

Helen cooked supper tonight. It was the second meal Helen has cooked that I didn't like. It was baked chicken, green beans, steamed potatoes, and broccoli. It didn't help that mom fixed my plate and I got the worst cuts of baked chicken. I am spoiled and like the breasts and such. I called Helen on her cellphone after she left, "Next time you fix my plate," I told her. She laughed and said she would.

I'm still not smoking. It gets easier everyday. I hope tomorrow will even be easier as a stretch of days were very hard earlier in the week.

Thanks to You All!

Well, at midnight tonight, it will have been six days smoke free!  I never would have thought I would have made it this far.  The peer pressure online has certainly helped.  And it has also helped that I am broke at the moment - not a dollar to my name.  The means when the terrible cravings strike, I can't just drive down the street to Rectum and buy a pack of smokes. 

Yesterday was the hardest day yet.  I now know why so many people with mental illness smoke.  It is calming and comforting. It soothes the nerves. 

Well, I can't wait till midnight tonight.  My big goal is seven days - a whole week.  I'll see ya later smoke free alligator!

With Maggie's help I'll do this!

I don't have much to say today.  Tonight, at midnight I will be 5 days smoke free.  I am experiencing some pretty harsh withdrawals today.  This process has also played havoc with my sinuses.   Hope to be able to say I am smoke free tomorrow!

Fierce Determination...

Once or twice a decade I get this feeling of fierce determination and can do amazing things to change my life.  I get it from my mother.  She used to could do this as well.  Well, I felt it coming on the day before last.  I realized I needed to capitalize on this once a decade "mood."  I decided to quit smoking mainly because it has become such a G-D hassle.   I had to call mom.  Mom would call dad.  And dad would usually call me bitching about how much I smoked.  The cigarettes I smoked also went up ten dollars a carton the other day and that pissed me off. 

"You could afford a new Honda Civic car payment for what you are spending on cigarettes these days," dad told me not too long ago. 

All of these things precipitated this sudden change in my life.  Let's hope this "fierce determination" lasts for a few weeks- giving me a chance to finally quit that terrible, stinky habit.  It is going to take months to get this ash tray smell out of my house and every thing I own stinks! Ughhh!

Committed to Quitting...

I realize once I publish this that I will be committed to quitting smoking.  I just got off the phone with my family practitioner.  Dr. Kamath is going to call in some prescriptions to help with the quitting process.  I smoked my last cigarette last night around midnight.  I haven't felt this determined about quitting in years.  I am also very excited, but realized the upcoming week is going to be tough.  Very tough.  

Time for a Juicy Ribeye...

I don't know about you, but a big juicy medium well ribeye improves my mood quite effectively.  Just sayin'.  No twigs in soy milk for me please.

The Pecans are Falling...

The little Asian lady that walks by my house every morning knocked on my door today. 

"Can we pick up pecans in your backyard?" She and her daughter asked.

"If you can put up with my dog barking incessantly," I replied.

Maggie surprised me.  She didn't just go bonkers.  She got to playing with the little girl.  They were playing tug of war with a big pecan branch.  It warmed my heart to see that.  Maggie seems to have this second sense about people and whether they are good or not. 

My cousin Johnny?  Maggie hates him.  She will sit close to me and bark every time he moves. He was over here the night before last and Maggie's behavior embarrassed me. It makes me wonder, though.

I roared with laughter after reading this...

Leta is Dooce's 4 year old daughter.  She is so witty for her age. 

Poor Maggie...

Maggie is all out of sorts.  We've missed our walk for two days in a row.  Yesterday, we had torrential rains all day.  Today, I just didn't feel like walking two miles and it was so dreary and cold outside.  Maggie's been sitting by the piano and wagging her tail wildly when I walk by.  I keep her leash and harness on top of it.  You should see me try and put it on.  She wiggles so excitedly that it can be an ordeal.  I get to laughing every time.  "Hold still stinker!" I will say.

It is hard to eat healthy and the food not be bland.  Tonight, I cooked salmon steaks and stir fried pole beans in vegetable oil.  I kept thinking something was missing.  BREAD!  I was tempted to make some cornbread or biscuits, but didn't.  My supper wasn't stellar, but I got full. My psychiatrist said the oils in fish are extremely beneficial for people with schizophrenia.

Poppa was really late with my medications tonight.  I was getting kind of out done with him.  The later it gets without my meds, the more downhill I go. I have to be subservient though and can't say anything.  I wanted to holler at him and say, "Goddammit, you can't do me like this!"  That thought played over and over in my head making me feel vindicated.   

The Two Food Groups - Fruits and Veggies...

I felt better this afternoon. I called mom and told her I wanted to go with her when she shopped for my groceries.  She was spending too much and getting prepared foods I frankly was tired of eating.  Mom was leery at first thinking I would get in the way, but she was glad I went when all was said and done.  I got lots of fresh veggies and fruits.  Cooking healthy is this weeks mantra.  I also loaded up on Kashi meals and cereals.  I am taking my psychiatrists advise to heart.